For every decision a woman makes, there’s usually someone to tell her that decision is wrong. It’s 2023 and people are still judging (and passing laws about) what women can and cannot do. If a woman makes the decision not to get married or have kids, her personal choice should be celebrated—not questioned, mocked, or discussed at length. 

Therapist Aishia Grevenberg uses her platform to talk about a variety of topics. She often makes posts about dating for pleasure, weaponized incompetence, and toxic relationships, among other subjects. In a recent post, she had the perfect response to a misogynistic podcaster who had some … interesting things to say about the “rich auntie lifestyle.” 

The podcaster claimed that the rich auntie life is “an excuse for a woman [who’s] not ready for responsibility or commitment.” Grevenberg responded by laying out her reasoning for the way she lives her life, with many comments commending her.

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A post shared by Aishia Grevenberg (@mytherapistlife)

It’s ridiculous that she even had to make a video explaining her life choices in the first place. But until women can live their lives however they see fit without question, we’ll likely continue feeling the need to defend our decisions. 

Grevenberg began her reel by saying, “I’m literally just trying to live my life, my rich auntie life. Let me help you understand what that is.” Her reasons were concise and perfectly understandable.

1. “I Don’t Have Children (Because I Don’t Want Them)”

There are so many reasons a woman might make the deeply personal choice not to have children. Grevenberg got straight to the point: She doesn’t have kids because she doesn’t want to have kids, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any responsibilities.

Along with being a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, Grevenberg dedicates time to giving her dog Sage “her best life.” She added that she’s not married because she doesn’t want to be married to “nobody’s dusty-ass son.” Grevenberg then explained that she dates for pleasure (a frequent topic of her posts) rather than for marriage. 

2. “I Have A Lot Of Money [And] I Spend It On Me”

Grevenberg said that living a “rich auntie life” is about living for your own happiness: doing whatever you want to do when you want to do it with no apologies. As she put it, “A rich auntie lifestyle is about saying, ‘I have made a deliberate, conscious choice that marriage is not for me and children are not for me. I am for me’ … That’s what a rich auntie is.” We applaud her for knowing what she wants and what she doesn’t want.

For many people, choosing whether or not to have kids is difficult. It’s not a decision that’s typically taken lightly—which is certainly a cultural shift.

In the past, people didn’t necessarily choose to have kids; they were simply expected to do so. However, as gender norms become more fluid, societal expectations change, and more women have financial freedom, many people are opting out of parenthood.

COVID Is Not Fully To Blame

As an elder millennial, I’m part of the generation that is having fewer babies than any other in American history. A 2015 study from The Urban Institute found that from 2007–2012, birth rates declined by more than 15 percent for women in their 20s.

Since 2007, birth rates have continued to fall, and a COVID-19 baby bust even occurred in 2021. While the pandemic may be one reason why birth rates are on the decline, there are plenty of other factors at play.

Financial stress is one major reason why millennials are opting out of parenthood. According to a 2020 survey from Morning Consult, nearly 3 out of 5 millennials without children chose not to have kids because it’s just too expensive. From childcare costs to education and even basic everyday items such as groceries, raising a kid certainly takes a financial toll.

Plus, let’s not forget how much it costs just to have a baby! For couples and single parents, birthing costs can put a strain on their wallets. According to the University of Michigan, the average mother in the U.S. paid over $4,500 for labor and delivery in 2020—and that’s with health insurance!

Even when finances aren’t a struggle, some people choose to forego having kids due to environmental concerns and overpopulation. Although I’m a parent to three girls, I opted out of childbirth partially due to overpopulation concerns. Since there are plenty of children who already need a home, adopting domestically was the route I chose.

While overpopulation, famine, war, and the state of political affairs are just a few reasons why some choose to remain childless, many people remain childless because it makes them happier. Although this outlook is often seen as self-centered, it’s more than a valid response. In fact, some people are simply more fulfilled without the extra stress of parenting.

As it turns out, data proves this to be true. Behavioral scientist and happiness expert Paul Dolan has previously shared evidence that young women are happiest without children or a spouse. More than 50 years earlier, a 1977 study published by Carnegie Mellon University said that couples without children tended to be happier than those with children.

One person who admits to not having kids because she’s happy without them is author and journalist Anne Helen Petersen. The author shared on her own website that her primary reason for being childless is due to our society “being incredibly hostile to mothers and working mothers in particular.”

However, she went on to say, “The other reason is that I am also very happy without kids.” It’s a sentiment more and more people have.

While being childless makes some people happy, others opt out of parenthood due to their mental health. In fact, some millennials choose to remain childless because they don’t want to pass their genes to the next generation.

How Does Mental Health Factor Into The Decision?

When The Atlantic asked readers to divulge if their mental health has been a factor in deciding to have kids, one reader shared, “As an adult, I realize that I inherited [my mothers’] same level of anxiety—but I have spent a lifetime developing strategies and practices to manage it…Nevertheless, I am fairly certain, just based on how much I worry about our dogs, that having children would exacerbate my anxiety in ways I would probably not be able to control, and in a way that is likely to burden my children.”

Perhaps another reason that’s often overlooked is the way most people parent today. Instead of fitting a child into their life, parents often find themselves fitting themselves into their child’s schedule.

From soccer games to piano recitals and chess tournaments, parents often schlep their kids around in the family minivan for what feels like a never-ending road trip. Plus, it’s a daunting task for anyone to figure out how to dedicate so much of their time to a child, let alone multiple children. 

The thing is, as more and more millennials and Gen Zers opt out of parenthood, there aren’t enough babies to keep up with the current rate of population growth. In 2020, the CDC released data showing that women now have 1.71 children, though the optimal number is 2.1 babies to maintain the population.

As millennials begin to enter midlife, only time will tell if Gen Z will pick up the slack to maintain America’s population. Then again, maybe a population decline is on the horizon.

During her 2018 book tour for Becoming, former First Lady Michelle Obama admitted that as women, we actually can’t “have it all,” at least not all at once.

And while some women may have felt relief from the pressure of trying (and oftentimes failing) to have it all, others were likely confused. We’ve been told for decades by our parents and by society that we’d be able to simultaneously have a family, a successful career, a well-kept home, etc.

But while having it all is nice to think about in theory, it hasn’t panned out quite the way we grew up believing it would. If the last few years have shown us anything, it’s that the bulk of the housework, childcare, and planning/organization typically falls to women. And this is in spite of women making strides in the professional realm as well.  

So why is there such a stark imbalance? 

Did Baby Boomers Equip Their Sons To Be Married To Successful Women?

A Reddit post from r/TwoXChromosomes claims that Baby Boomers may have accidentally raised their sons to be “man-children” while raising their daughters to be career-oriented women.

The post was based on a tweet from @jfitzgeraldmd that read, “Baby boomers did a pretty good job teaching their millennial daughters that they could be anything they wanted to be and a pretty terrible job of preparing their sons for what that would mean for them as husbands and fathers.” 

Equally applicable to Gen X as to millennials, the concept basically states that older generations didn’t sufficiently prepare their sons to take on more responsibilities within the home as more women entered the workforce and therefore had less time and energy to handle the domestic duties on their own. 

This isn’t meant to be a blanket statement, however. There are certainly men who’ve stepped up to the plate and become team players alongside their partners. In regards to my own husband, we both do household work, we both take care of our child, and I’m eternally grateful my husband’s parents raised a capable, caring, thoughtful human.

However, reading through the responses, it seems many women haven’t had the same experience.

Redditors Chime In

“Over the past 100 years we’ve completely changed the life expectations for women and what it means to be a woman and we’ve done little to nothing to change the expectations of men or what it means to be a man,” one user wrote. “Some of that work is starting but it’s long overdue.”

This concept was illustrated by a single mom who wrote, “[I] keep trying to find a guy to date who doesn’t seem like one extra dependent … but [I’m] still single seven years later. If a man can’t bring as much as he takes, and yes that means cleaning up after himself, why would I want to add that to my already full plate?! I already juggle work and kids! Come back when you have adulting skills and are ready to do half the work.”

Another user commented how her dad is guilty as charged. “My dad certainly fits this model, though my brother miraculously never followed suit,” they wrote. “Brother and his wife now have two kids, and my dad is simply beside himself witnessing how hands-on my brother is as a father. Constant little comments like, ‘in my day, dads were expected to go back to work right away,’ and my personal favorite, ‘in my day, dads didn’t change diapers!'”

Another commenter shared a Gloria Steinem quote that resonated with many: “Though we have the courage to raise our daughters more like our sons, we’ve rarely had the courage to raise our sons like our daughters.”

What Can Be Done?

Nowadays, it’s more common for families to instruct their sons to become more aware of their emotions and feelings, teach them how to cook and clean, and even allow them to play with toys traditionally aimed toward girls, helping prepare them for a future when they’ll to take on more responsibilities around the home.

However, we still hold out hope for the less responsible male partners of Gen X and millennial women to start lending more of a helping hand. Weaponized incompetence is becoming a more widely-recognized phenomenon, and an increasing number of women have begun to set boundaries when they encounter it. 

Still, as one frustrated Redditor pointed out, “The onus of educating late Gen X to early Gen Z men is now falling on their female peers, to everyone’s frustration. And despite the rational discourse being presented, there’s still a faction of them who refuse to listen and consider a woman’s POV on the topic of women, because poor behavior was modeled for them early on.”

You may have heard about couples sleeping in different bedrooms to improve their waking relationship, but could the same be said for living in a completely separate home?

According to data from the Census Bureau (as reported by the New York Times), the number of married couples “living apart together” (L.A.T.) increased in the year leading up to the pandemic. That number went down during the pandemic, but now that the pandemic has waned, it’s begun to rise again.

In 2022, there were 3.89 million Americans living separately from their spouses, which shakes out to 2.95% of all married adults in the country. The numbers don’t include those who are living apart because they’re contemplating divorce, but they do include those who are forced to live apart by their jobs (like military families).

As highlighted in the above-cited New York Times article, the decision to live apart from a spouse is often led by women who feel they need to find out who they are beyond being caretakers and who feel the need to have their own space.

One woman told the outlet that she moved into her own home away from her husband during the pandemic to be closer to a major city as life on their rural farm was a drain on her. As it turns out, she found that the distance worked for her relationship, saying it made her and her husband feel as though they were back in the dating phase of their relationship.

She added that having her own home helps her remember who she is by herself and what she likes doing by herself, which she called “a lovely gift.”

From October 2021 to June 2022, Sana Akhand lived 30 minutes away from her husband in New York City so she could create the life she’d dreamed of as a young girl, which included establishing a successful career.

Having been married since 2015, Akhand said she felt she was losing her “independent nature” as she fell into culturally-driven gender roles, like what it means to be a wife.

While living on her own, Akhand was able to redirect the time and energy spent worrying about her husband to her own priorities, which resulted in her first book deal. It also helped her realize what she needed in the relationship when they finally moved back in together, including a space of her own where she can meditate, work on fulfilling projects, and just blow off steam dancing.

It’s all too easy to fall into the notion of what a marriage should look like: dinner on the table by 6, trips to Home Depot on Saturday mornings, or binging the same new hot series on Netflix on Friday evenings. It appears that the couples profiled by the New York Times found the experience of living separately as an opportunity to take a step back and focus on what matters to them as individuals as well as challenging traditional concepts of what a marriage should be.

While most of the couples eventually moved back in together, the time apart let them figure out how to make their marriage stronger. Additionally, especially for the women, it allowed them to find their identity that was starting to fade with weekly chores, weekend soccer matches, and daily cooking.

So while financially living separately might not be feasible for many, perhaps a brief hiatus of spending every day together could be just what you need to find yourself again and bring a better version of yourself back to your marriage.

Love is … a battlefield. A mystery. All around you. All you need. There are so many clichés about love, we’d never be able to list them all. Countless songs, poems, and movies explore what makes love grand and sometimes heartbreaking.

But is who you end up with a matter of fate and destiny or something else entirely? What if the odds of your relationship succeeding could be boiled down to mathematical equations? We’d be skeptical, to say the least.

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According to doctors John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, clinical psychologists who’ve studied marriages and relationships for more than 40 years, there’s a mathematical equation that will determine if you’ll stay together with your partner—and it’s surprisingly accurate.

Figuring Up The Numbers

The research began in the ’70s at the University of Illinois and continued at the University of Washington. Researchers in “The Love Lab,” as it was coined, began studying and interviewing couples (hetero- and homosexual) and came up with an equation that can reliably predict (with 94% certainty) the future of a relationship.

In the Gottmans’ new book, The Love Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy, the pair have broken down the data, outlining a multistep process for a better relationship. Professor and bestselling author Brené Brown said, “This book feels so hopeful because it’s direct, it’s really honest, and it’s so actionable.”

Thousands of couples were studied. Researchers assessed their facial expressions, heart rates, blood pressure, skin conductivity, and words exchanged with their partners and noted how many positive and negative interactions occurred.

Out of this research came a “magic ratio.” For every negative interaction during conflict, there needed to be a counterbalance of five positive interactions to maintain a “low-risk” relationship. When the researchers checked back up on couples six years after the study, they found that couples who had a five-to-one ratio or higher during conflict were more likely to still be happily together.

What Does That Mean, Exactly?

So what constitutes a positive or negative interaction? Positive interactions during conflict include expressions of validation and joy. Simply smiling, saying something affirming (e.g., “I understand”), and working together to problem-solve are all positive interactions during tough conversations.

However, Gottman describes certain negative interactions as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These interactions include contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Blaming or shaming the other person, disengaging, and making hurtful comments are all, of course, considered negative interactions.

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The researchers also found that outside of conflict, the required ratio was higher: In everyday life, there needed to be 20 positive interactions for every negative one. Negative interactions are far more impactful and harder to recover from, which is why the ratio is so imbalanced. Accumulating several small positive interactions over time help make a relationship healthier.

What To Keep In Mind

The authors eventually concentrated on one word—kindness.

“The difference between the extremely unhappy couples and very happy couples boiled down to one simple thing: The happy couples were kinder when they spoke to each other,” wrote the Gottmans.

While it may seem like an odd concept (would you even want to keep track of how many positive to negative interactions occur in your relationship?), it’s actually kind of reassuring. Even just starting to take note of your behavior during disagreements and adjusting your reactions accordingly can start to shift your ratio in a positive direction.

It also means relationships don’t require perfection. Conflict is inevitable; this method focuses on managing it rather than erasing it. It’s the way we respond during conflict that really matters.

If worked through properly, conflict can ultimately strengthen your relationship. Responding with empathy instead of annoyance, showing an interest in the other person’s passions, and “turning toward” the other person can help improve a couple’s connection.

So find time each day to give a genuine compliment and emotionally connect with your partner, because it’ll add up in the long run.

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Despite the many amazing medical advances in the last century, women’s health is still shrouded in mystery, misogyny, and misinformation. From sexuality to anatomy, information about women’s bodies (not to mention knowledgeable doctors) falls woefully short. 

The historically male-dominated healthcare system, along with religious and social stigmas against women, plus patriarchal values make it all the more difficult to achieve medical (and social) equity. These factors have resulted in disastrous consequences for women and uterus-owning individuals across the globe. 

Half the world’s population has a clitoris. Still, it remains largely ignored by the medical community. Doctors like Brooklyn-based Dr. Amir Marashi, Founder of Cerē, are hoping to change that. I sat down with Dr. Marashi to learn more about his work and what that change might look like for women moving forward.

Risking His Life For Hymens

Marashi began his medical career while he was still in his teens, working for his father, a prominent surgeon in Iran. Throughout his career, he has seen women’s rights being violated, their sexuality stigmatized, and the doctors who supported them vilified. Women’s health was receiving plenty of attention—just the wrong kind.

In Iran, where women could be murdered for not being a virgin on her wedding night, hymenoplasties (hymen reconstruction surgeries) were a popular procedure to ensure bleeding upon consummation of the marriage. Iranian society widely considered the procedure taboo, so Marashi began performing these surgeries in secret. He witnessed doctors being executed for doing the same. 

“It was a hush-hush procedure,” Marashi said. “It had to be done underground. This and abortion back then were at the same level.”

When Marashi later started caring for African and Haitian patients, he saw the devastating effects of genital mutilation and medical inequity. “To lose part of the clitoris is such a big deal,” Marashi said. “It’s taking their identity away from them. You become a baby-making factory.”  

In the States, he’s witnessed women’s symptoms being ignored by doctors, resulting in worsening mental and physical health. Marashi has met patients whose sexual health was destroyed during routine hip and pelvis surgeries because doctors were utterly unfamiliar with the physical attributes of the clitoris, which was not mapped out anatomically until 2005.

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Un-censoring The Clitoris

“Women’s sexuality is like a second-class citizen,” Marashi continues. “They haven’t researched women’s sexuality as much as they have for men. Look at the clitoris—how many years they blocked and censored the clitoris from every single anatomy book over the last 100 years.”

This censorship of women’s physiology has resulted in an expectation for women to suffer through their symptoms silently—and, if we’re being honest, shamefully. Even the medical term for female genitals is called the pudendal area, coming from the Latin pudendum, or “parts to be ashamed of.” As a result, women deal with heavy bleeding and clotting, pain during childbirth, and sexual disorders with little to no solace.

For menopausal women, it can be even worse. Menopausal research is even scarcer than reproductive research, leaving a significant portion of the population in the dark, unheard and unseen. 

“If it was a man going through any of these things,” Marashi poses, “[think of] erectile dysfunction. How quickly was Viagara approved? (In just two years) Something that wasn’t a medical emergency, they approve it that fast? That’s the problem. We don’t have medical equity.”

So, Marashi and other doctors like him are working to destigmatize and demystify women’s health once and for all.

‘Orgasms Are Good For You’

Marashi described various techniques he has used to restore vaginal and sexual health, including PRP (platelet-rich plasma) injections, sound devices, lasers, and micro-needling. And while Marashi is helping his local communities in New York, this type of healthcare isn’t easily accessible nationwide. 

For people with a uterus who are struggling with a lack of medical therapies, Marashi said it’s critical to take matters into one’s own hands. The most effective way to do it? Orgasm. “When you don’t use it, you lose it. The less the clitoris gets stimulated, [the less it gets] engorged.”

By regularly orgasming, the clitoris remains active and maintains functionality, he said. “If you’re going through menopause, this is something you do for yourself. You have to do your Kegels. Do your masturbation. You don’t like your partner? Forget about them; stimulate yourself. Orgasms are very good for you.” 

And for many of Marashi’s patients, that’s what he recommends—plus a healthy moisturizer. He suggests using organic, food-grade coconut oil in and around the vagina before engaging in sexual activity and for general, everyday moisturizing.

“We always talk about lubricants, but nobody talks about moisturizing. Moisturizing the vagina, especially in menopausal women, is very important,” Marashi advises.

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‘Call Out Doctors’

Reacquainting yourself with your body through masturbation and physical touch can help you reclaim the sexuality and anatomy that the medical community has ignored for so long. He used this philosophy to create a line of sexual wellness devices and products called Cerē. 

The company’s first product, the Lalalena, is a vibrator in the shape of a clitoris (as opposed to the shape of the phallus, which is pretty much ubiquitous when it comes to sex toys).

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But, Marashi adds, it’s also essential to know when to advocate for yourself in the examination room. “Menopausal women need to speak up. Back in the day, nobody cared about breast cancer,” Marashi said. “But there’s so much voice now about breast cancer, which is amazing.”

“We have to do the same thing [with menopause]. They need to be their own advocate,” Marashi continued. “Get a second and third opinion. You need to call out doctors. It’s the era of social media. Insurance tells you to take so many minutes with a patient. Patients need to call them out on that.” 

The more we continue discussing women’s health, from menopause to sexuality to vaginal wellness, the less stigmatized it will become. But that will take persistence, dedication, and time. It’s up to us to continue fighting for medical equity by holding doctors accountable and advocating for our rights to autonomy, happiness, and health.

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Earlier this year, Robyn Delmonte, known as @girlbosstown on TikTok, posted a video reply to a user comment which complimented her red nails. Delmonte used the opportunity to explain what she called the “red nails theory.” The TikTok star believes that men find red nails most attractive because she receives the most compliments when she sports this color.

Thanks to the viral video, the “red nails theory” is taking social media by storm. But is this theory based on fact or fiction? We’ll take a look at the history of nail polish color to find out.

‘Guys Are Attracted To Red Nails Because It Reminds Them Of Their Moms’

The video is a viral sensation, with a whopping 1.1 million views. In it, Delmonte theorizes that men who grew up in the ’90s were surrounded by women wearing red nail polish.

“I weirdly think that guys are attracted to red nails because it reminds them of their moms when they were growing up taking care of them,” Delmonte says in the video. “Or some type of mommy issues.”

If you scroll through the video’s comments, you’ll see that many people share this view. As one TikTok user said, “Older men at my job comment on it the ABSOLUTE MOST.”

Another user even said, “I had red nails and then got engaged.” One TikTok user commented, “My ex was obsessed [with] red nails and had SERIOUS mommy issues so this is a fact.”

Is Red Nails Theory Fact?

But is it a fact? Were men who grew up in the ’90s surrounded by women in red nail polish? Probably not. According to Orly Beauty, red was certainly a popular color in the 1930s-1960s.

However, when more women began entering the workforce in the ’70s, muted nail polish colors began to trend. Going for a French manicure was seen as more appropriate for a professional setting.

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In the ’80s, red nails became even less popular. More people began wearing bolder, neon colors.

In the ’90s, more muted shades of red and purple were popular. The grunge era was underway, which meant that black, plum, and even oxblood were often worn—so candy red wasn’t exactly en vogue.

Although red nail polish has never completely gone out of style, it does seem to be coming back with a vengeance in the 21st century. However, can we safely assume that men today are attracted to red nail polish because their mothers wore the color?

It depends on the age range of the men. If Delmonte, 28, is dating men in her age range, their moms would have most likely worn more muted or darker colors. For people dating men that are in their 50s or older, though, perhaps there is some validity to the “red nails theory.”

Regardless if the “red nails theory” is fact, fiction, or something in between, red has always signified power, excitement, love, and passion. Even so, everyone should choose whichever shade of nail polish makes them feel comfortable and confident.

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When the spark between you and your partner starts to fizzle, it’s a bummer if not entirely surprising. Between everyday stress, hormonal changes, and other external factors, there are plenty of reasons why the heat might cool down.

But what if the cause of fading passion was something altogether different? And what if the issue didn’t really feel like a problem at all? 

In relationships that struggle with codependency and “weaponized incompetence,” what seems like loving behavior can be a real passion killer, according to psychologist and celebrity love consultant Dr. Tari Mack.

Are You His Momma Or His Lover?

Mack discussed these issues on an episode of Louise Rumball’s OpenHouse podcast in the context of Justin and Hailey Bieber’s marriage. I was skeptical at first—how could the romantic woes of beautiful, famous, twenty-somethings have anything to do with real life? But the conversation goes deeper than the Biebers. 

The episode outlines examples illustrating the couple’s dynamics, and celeb status aside, they’re surprisingly relatable. When Justin acted needy and irresponsible, Hailey remained patient, submissive, and doting. She sacrificed her needs to better attend to Justin’s, and took up his responsibilities as her own. 

In these instances, Hailey was essentially part caretaker, part emotional support human, and part wife. Is there anything more romantic than being completely and utterly devoted to your partner? Couple goals, right?

Wrong! The dynamic belies an imbalance that could put an end to romance, Mack said.

Rumball summed it up thusly: “Are you his momma or his lover?”

Enabling Your Partner To Remain A Child

Do you find yourself taking on most of the mental or physical workload throughout the week? Are you in the caretaker role more often than not? How often do you take responsibility for your partner’s actions (or inactions)? 

Patience is important in a relationship, but extending too much patience to a partner who’s unwilling to pull their weight becomes enabling.

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“When we go along with somebody’s bad behaviors,” Mack said, “when we don’t tell them the truth about how we feel—we don’t like something, we’re losing respect for somebody because of what they’re doing, if we don’t let them experience the natural consequences of [not doing their work], we are enabling them.”

In the podcast, she held up the Biebers as examples: “Hailey, like anybody in this caretaker or mom role, is enabling Justin to stay in this child role. It works for him. He doesn’t have to be responsible. Hailey has to be the responsible one.”

Sometimes, partners create this dynamic on a subconscious level. Other times, it’s created from conscious manipulation called weaponized incompetence. (If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “but babe, if I do it, I’m just going to mess it up,” then you know exactly what weaponized incompetence is.) Either way, it’s disastrous for relationships.

Losing Ourselves In A Relationship

“Of course we want to support our partners,” Mack said. “But when we take on the responsibility of reminding and leading the way for somebody to do the work they need to do, we are now stepping over from girlfriend, wife, partner, into a caretaker, into mom. In a healthy relationship, both people are responsible for their own self-care, healing, and growth.”

“We each need to be our own home base,” Mack continued. “When we make somebody else our home base, our safe place, that essentially means we need that person to be present or to be happy with us or to be okay for us to feel okay. And that is a core tenant of codependency. That’s really concerning.”

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It’s also not a recipe for longevity. “It’s not going to last. The woman cannot be the mother, caretaker role for very long before the passion is going to get squashed,” Mack said. Adopting a parental role in the relationship might seem like you’re being a loving, doting partner—but it’s a surefire way to dampen any remaining sparks.

With this in mind, consider the emotions around your fizzling romance. Have you been feeling resentful, burnt out, depressed, anxious, or just noticeably not right? Mack says these are all signs of a codependent, unbalanced relationship finally starting to take its mental and emotional toll.

Finding Another Way

Luckily, even if you find yourself in an unhealthy all-give, no-take relationship, Mack described two big steps to initiate a course correction:

1. Pay Attention To How You Feel.
   “If somebody asks you (for a) favor, consider if you want to do it instead of just saying yes without checking in with yourself,” Mack advised. “Start to get familiar with what’s going on inside of you. ‘How do I feel? What do I need?’ And learn how to give those things to yourself; don’t wait for somebody else to give them to you. When we look to other people for love and validation, we are powerless. We have to feed ourselves the words that we’re looking for from other people.”
2. Set Boundaries.
   Mack suggested saying to your partner: “‘I’m realizing this role is not good for me or either of us, really. I’m trying to get healthier, and part of that means I have to say no sometimes. I have to start taking care of myself.’ If it’s a healthy relationship, your partner will support that because they want what’s best for you, not just what’s best for them.”

“Love should not be transactional,” Mack concluded. “It should be giving and receiving in a natural flow between the two.” And if your partner expects (or demands) otherwise, well, you may have bigger problems than a fizzling spark.

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If someone were to describe a happy marriage, “sexless” would likely not be the first word that comes to mind. According to the Pew Research Center, 61% of adults list having a satisfying sexual relationship as important for a successful marriage. Yet, according to this 2017 study, 15.6% of married participants reported having no sex in the last year, while another 13.5% reported having no sex in the last five years.

Does that mean there are lots of unhappily married couples out there? Well, if you consider data analyzed from Google, then yes. A lot of search terms indicate that people are not having as much marital sex as they’d like. 

For example, searches for “sexless marriage” are three and a half times more frequent than “unhappy marriage” and eight times more so than “loveless marriage.” Complaints about a spouse not wanting sex are 16 times more common than those about a married partner who’s not willing to talk.

But as that analysis also found, people lie and awful lot about their sex lives.

So instead of relying on Google, we reached out to several sex and relationship experts. They had some interesting insights.

The Definition Of A Sexless Marriage

First, it’s important to define what, exactly, a “sexless marriage” is. Ultimately, the definition “depends on the couple’s expectations and beliefs about what is normal sexual activity,” explains Megan Harrison, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of the CouplesCandy blog.

RELATED: Couples Weigh In On How Sleeping In Separate Bedrooms Has Affected Their Relationship

“Some couples may consider themselves to be in a sexless marriage if they have not had sex for several months or years, while others may feel that their relationship is sexless if they are not having sex as often as they would like,” Harrison continues. 

Author and women’s wellness coach Sarah McDugal breaks down the definition further. While a common idea of “sexless” might be fewer than ten times a year, McDugal cites recent scientific research that suggests this is an inadequate definition.

“If sex is defined as the mutual enjoyment of a sexually intimate encounter, the definition of a sexless marriage is drastically altered,” McDugal explains. In research detailed in her book The Great Sex Rescue, she notes the data, “revealed that in some sub-cultures, like evangelical women, there is a 47-point orgasm gap where men always or nearly always experience orgasm. But women orgasm almost 50% less than their male partners.” 

Just as there are many possible definitions of a sexless marriage, there are many reasons couples aren’t doing the deed.

Causes Of A Sexless Marriage

There are many reasons why sex might peter out in a marriage, explains Nicole Hind, an online relationship counselor. Partners’ libidos tend to ebb and flow—and not always in sync with one another. Aging and body changes can make sex painful and unpleasant. Other factors, like sexuality or ongoing trauma, might contribute to disinterest or displeasure in sex. 

Other factors include emotional, mental, or physical abuse or sexual coercion. In these instances, the marriage isn’t healthy for far more reasons than sex alone, McDugal adds. 

But otherwise, most of these issues can be addressed on their own. As Joseph Puglisi, CEO of DatingIconic.com, puts it, “If the sexlessness came out as a result of grief, stress, fear, or lack of attraction—that is, if it was an unconscious effort—the reasons could be reviewed and communicated.”

And while the patriarchal, sex-driven cultural norms we see every day might suggest it’s men who are suffering more in the sexual void, it may not be actually true. According to Dr. Jen Gunter, a California-based OBGYN, it’s often women who report feeling dissatisfied with their marriage’s sexual well-being.

A Healthy Marriage Doesn’t Need Require Sex

So, it’s clearly on everyone’s minds. But the real question is—is it unhealthy?

When it comes right down to it, Hind explains that “a healthy marriage is whatever both people in the marriage decide it is. The main issue isn’t whether or not there is sex; it is if both people are relatively comfortable. Sex doesn’t just mean penetrative sex. There are a lot of options available if both partners are willing to explore pleasure, intimacy, and connection without penetration.”

RELATED: Why It’s Actually Super Normal To Feel Anxious And Sad After Sex

Non-penetrative forms of sexual intimacy include body massage, kissing, and gentle touch. But even relationships without these forms of connection can survive—with some work. “Couples in [this type of] sexless marriage may need to find other ways to express their love and affection for one another,” Harrison explains. “They may also need to communicate more openly about their needs and desires.”

“Being able to share conversation authentically, build a rich connection, and experience non-sexual affection is a wonderful thing in any marriage. And it’s often missing even if there is sex,” Hind adds. “Sex doesn’t automatically equal intimacy.”

How To Know When A Sexless Marriage Is Problematic

The answer to the million-dollar question, “Can a sexless marriage be healthy,” is yes and no. If you and your partner are content without sexual intimacy, then congratulations, you have a healthy, sexless marriage. Pay no mind to what the internet says about it—you just keep doing you. 

But if one of you is notably unhappy (and so long as there are no abusive dynamics present), then the next step is to determine the cause of your dry spell. If it’s emotional or mental, consider therapy—either solo or couples’ counseling. If it’s stress with no end in sight, communicate with your partner as you tackle your responsibilities. 

Sex devices can help with menopause, age, or hormone-related factors. Some are specifically designed for midlife women, like the Tabu. Others are designed for maximum pleasure for both men and women, like the Tenuto 2 from Mystery Vibe. Hormone therapy and other forms of sexual intimacy can also serve as viable solutions. 

When it comes down to it, no two sex lives (or marriages) are exactly the same. The best kind of connections—sexual and emotional—involve give and take, push and pull, and an open willingness to find you and your partner’s perfect “happy and healthy.”

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It’s a narrative that resonates with women across generations—in heterosexual relationships, women typically share a large portion of the household work. Taking care of a home takes teamwork and communication, especially when both people have full-time jobs. So, why is it still so unbalanced?

A French woman named Emma recently turned this complex and common issue into a comic titled Where Does It Go, and it hit on a number of issues in male/female relationship dynamics at home and represented them in an interesting way. 

She starts by demonstrating that women are often painted by their partners (and culture) as doing too much and having too high of standards. For example, that laundry can wait until tomorrow, or organizing that closet isn’t really needed.

Yet Emma explains that women tend to be more proactive with household duties and take care of things before a problem arises. On the flip side, men are typically more reactive and take care of things when there is a problem at hand.

These proactive tendencies in women might be due to the fact that they’re the ones who typically have to deal with the consequences. What’s more, taking care of things before the situation gets out of hand means that things tend to run smoothly—and men often don’t notice or appreciate this. What a conundrum!

In one of the panels, Emma highlighted American researcher and writer Francine Deutsch who says that men often feel entitled to their wives’ domestic services. When women are taking on the majority of the housework, men do not fight to take on an equal share.

The numbers show that in some instances, Deutsch is definitely on to something with her research. According to the French Institute of Statistics, in 2010 women spent 1.26 hours more than men on domestic chores per day.

RELATED: ‘Weaponized Incompetence’ Is The Latest Tactic Men Are Using To Get Out Of Helping Around The House

But given we’re a long way from the 1950s, it’s no longer acceptable for men to be direct about women handling household duties. So, they find indirect ways to resist domestic chores. Emma illustrated this in her comic with some relatable situations.

1. Passive Resistance

On Monday, the man will agree to do the laundry. But by Friday, the clothes are still dirty and no one has any clean socks left. So, the woman ends up doing the laundry herself.

“Oh, you didn’t have to do it! I was just about to!” the man tells the woman.

2. Bad Mood

Another indirect strategy is to be in a bad mood. If the guy grumbles enough while vacuuming and accidentally “hits” the couch too many times, maybe the woman will help him out and let him off the hook.

3. Overdoing It

Another indirect strategy is to overdo it when performing a task, and Emma’s example was about helping in the kitchen.

“You haven’t sliced the onion yet??” the woman asks. “The pan is hot and I’ve chopped up the rest of the ingredients.” In response, the man says, “No, I watched a video online where they say the slices should be 5 mm thick,” as he very carefully and methodically slices the vegetable.

4. Incompetence

If your male partner shows you that he doesn’t know how to properly fold the laundry, you’ll just do it yourself to ensure it’s done right. Right?

5. The Zero Independence Approach

Instead of overdoing it or acting like he’s incapable of doing the task at all, another strategy to avoid household chores is the zero independence approach.

This can manifest in different ways, such as asking you to help him with a simple chore (“it’s easier to make the bed with you”), not understanding how the house is organized (like constantly asking where things go), or asking you to check his work (“is this pasta al dente?”).

What’s To Be Done?

Why are some men so allergic to domestic tasks? As the comic points out, these strategies aren’t always carried out consciously.

Oftentimes, this is the result of upbringing and experience—how their parents were, how they were raised, and things getting done without them having to do it. Because of this, some men need to be trained on how to do their fair share at home. 

However, this does take time to learn and there can be obstacles. The most obvious is that this type of training from women can be seen as nagging. There is no magical solution, but Emma offers possible paths to explore.

If He Says He’s Willing To Help

1. Start by making a list of all the household duties. Include more than just things that need to be cleaned, but any other household duties such as paying bills, scheduling your child’s doctor appointment, or picking up your dog’s prescription food.
2. Divide the tasks, keeping in mind both the physical and mental load each duty requires, and according to personal preferences as much as possible.
3. Commit to doing your tasks, properly, and in a reasonable timeframe.
4. Don’t fill in when he forgets or deflects, this will only reinforce his behavior.
5. Give it time. Like any habit, owning and mastering tasks take time.

If He ‘Doesn’t See The Problem’

Emma makes a few suggestions for those who don’t seem to mind living in filth, those who take their partner’s work for granted, or those who only help out when asked. Some potential solutions she suggests, such as paying yourself for your work or kicking him out, seem like drastic moves for more serious situations.

As she said, there is no magical solution, but the first step should be a conversation. And likely, multiple conversations on the matter. Don’t wait until you’re already overworked and flustered, as he is likely to go on the defense. Instead, write out your thoughts and plan a time when you’re both relaxed to discuss. Try showing him Emma’s cartoon, or look into couples counseling. Breaking years of ingrained behavior takes time and hard work.

Ultimately, Emma realizes these suggestions won’t fix what is a universal problem across the globe. And while individual on many levels, societal and cultural norms are largely at play and hopefully can be changed with future generations.

If you enjoyed Emma’s comic, then be sure to check out her book The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic, in which she brilliantly illustrates this issue in depth.

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Whether it’s racy network television or porn, real-life sex rarely lives up to its on-screen counterparts. On-screen sex is portrayed as effortless, awkward-moment-free, and rabbit-like in frequency and speed. But for many of us, that just isn’t the case. 

Countless factors can disaffect sexual performance and satisfaction, and those factors seem to grow in number as we age. From hormonal libido shifts to erectile dysfunction, sex can get hard (if you’ll forgive the pun). 

Toys and other sex devices are viable solutions, but they can be intimidating, hard to use, or only designed for one person. And that’s where Tenuto 2 comes in.

Geared For Him, But You Reap The Rewards, Too

Sex is all about sharing an experience, so why shouldn’t your toys be, too? The Tenuto 2 from MysteryVibe is the only vibrator that is designed for male and female stimulation. The wearable vibe stimulates the penis to the perineum and the clitoris and vulva simultaneously. 

In other words, it’s a win-win for everyone. And while this groundbreaking device was designed to be worn comfortably during intercourse, it’s also great for solo and mutual masturbation and foreplay. 

But it isn’t just mind-blowing climaxes MysteryVibe was worried about when creating Tenuto 2. Tenuto 2 was made to be safe, effective, and intuitive. The smart app-controlled device is also water-resistant, made of premium silicone, and body adaptable. (And it’s on sale right now—more on that later.)

Totally Customized For Your Needs And Desires

The Tenuto 2’s revolutionary flexible design comfortably adapts to any size, sitting at the base of the penis and around the scrotum. The device has four motors, all of which can be customized for maximum satisfaction.

Tenuto 2

Normally $249 On Sale Now For $212

Want a little more pressure there but not so much there? The Tenuto 2 has you (and your partner, if you have one) covered. You can set your vibration patterns via Tenuto’s 2 smartphone app—create your own or choose from a preset program.

Moreover, the Tenuto 2 features 16 intensity levels. So, whether you need it soft and sweet or rough and rowdy, you’ll be able to find your perfect rhythm. The Tenuto 2 is USB-chargeable and offers up to two hours of playtime (if you don’t get tuckered out before then).

A Non-Medical Alternative For Those Who Need A Little Help In Bed

Does the Tenuto 2 promise mind-blowing orgasms? You bet. But does it also offer other benefits? Most definitely. In addition to more intense climaxes, the Tenuto 2 offers significant clinical benefits for various sexual conditions.

Erectile dysfunction is incredibly common, affecting nearly 30 million men in the US. But oral erectile treatments have their fair share of side effects, ranging from body aches to hearing and vision loss. These treatments are contraindicated in approximately 30% of men with ED—in that case, Tenuto 2 acts as a non-medicinal alternative. 

Vibration stimulation to the penis and pelvic floor is a proven solution for ED and premature ejaculation, resulting in stronger, longer-lasting erections. This stimulation can also help those with delayed or inhibited ejaculation or incredibly low libido. 

Meanwhile, the Tenuto 2 also sends vibrations to the clitoris and labia, maximizing pleasure for you, too. After all, sex is the most fun when everyone is having fun. And the Tenuto 2 makes sure that that’s the case.

Find Out What People Are Raving About

Conversations around sex can seem fairly limited, particularly when it comes to sex in midlife and beyond. Between natural hormonal shifts and unrealistic expectations, it can be difficult to reignite that “spark” once it putters out. 

But thanks to the Tenuto 2, turning up the heat has never been easier. This ingenious device doesn’t replace intimacy with your partner; it enhances it. The shared stimulation brings both parties together for a closer, more satisfying experience. And the glowing reviews indicate just that.

Tenuto 2

Normally $249 On Sale Now For $212

MysteryVibe offers a two-year warranty on your Tenuto 2, and they use 100% secure payment methods. Finally, MysteryVibe uses discreet packaging and premium couriers to ensure your Tenuto 2 gets to you safely and privately. 

The Tenuto 2 is available for 15% off for a limited time only, so make sure to snag yours today. With its high-quality make and materials, proven results, and two-year warranty, the only thing you have to lose is all that time you’ll want to spend reigniting that spark again (and again…and again).

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Good relationships are all about balance—hence the old “opposites attract” adage. The spontaneous and disorganized often gravitate toward pragmatic planners. A naturally shy person might feel drawn to a charismatic socialite. 

Similarly, this yin-and-yang dynamic often translates to joint finances. Money spenders and money savers might seem like an incompatible pair, but it’s a surprisingly common (and successful) match. 

It’s all about taking the right approach to managing assets.

Finding Love In The Illogical

We often classify “savers” and “spenders” as opposites. But in reality, they’re better categorized as complements. These personality types can round out and fortify the other when they work in tandem. 

For example, a saver might prioritize emergency funds and retirement over living in the moment. While they might enjoy the benefits of this foresight further down the road, they struggle to find similar joy in the present. Spenders can help remind savers that there’s more to life than planning for the future. 

Conversely, spenders can jeopardize their future by a lack of planning. Savers help their less frugal counterparts stay grounded and focused. Too much spending and couples can start to drown in debt and stress. Alternatively, too much saving can leave both parties bored, uptight, and unsatisfied. 

These complementary mindsets create a system of checks and balances in the relationship that, ideally, levels both sides out. But since time has a sneaky way of magnifying differences in opinion, it’s crucial for these couples to maintain healthy, open communication.

RELATED: Best Tips For Communicating With A Defensive Person And How To Actually Solve The Problem

Making Money Mash-Ups More Manageable

As relationships progress and each person makes larger emotional and financial investments, the topic of finances can become a point of contention. In fact, money is one of the most common stressors in relationships. But it doesn’t have to be. 
Following these helpful tips (and following them regularly) can lighten the load of constant financial fussing.

1. Be Open With Your Emotional (And Financial) Baggage

We are the products of our upbringing, plain and simple. While we all internalize and act on our childhood experiences differently, the link between then and now is undeniable. Sharing these experiences with your partner is vital.

Money can be a deeply personal subject. Savers might start to feel jilted by constant spenders, while spenders might feel ignored by diligent savers. An awareness of how one’s childhood might affect their money habits can help take some of the personal affronts out of financial differences.

Doing this alone won’t stop financial issues from happening, but it can at least make them more explainable.

2. Have Regular Money Dates (We’re Talking Monthly)

Forget dinner and a movie. If you’re looking to increase intimacy and trust, then you’ll need a money date. A money date is a planned time for a couple to sit down and review all things financial—current assets, concerns, goals, etc.

Money dates should start simple. Assuming you’ve already unpacked all your financial and emotional baggage, it’s best to start with financial beliefs, goals, and concerns. What does each partner value and, in turn, is willing to invest in? What is each partner’s financial risk tolerance? Their short- and long-term goals?

Don’t be so quick to call this convo one-and-done, either. People change, and so do their financial beliefs. Checking in periodically can help avoid larger miscommunications further down the road. Next, it’s time to start budgeting.

3. Actually Compromise On Spending Plans

Creating weekly or monthly budgets and spending thresholds can clear up any money misunderstandings before they cause an argument. Compromise is crucial in this exercise. No one party should leave feeling like they “won.”

Rather, both parties will likely feel vindicated and bummed out for different reasons. This is a natural consequence of accountability and being pushed out of your comfort zone. It might feel strange at first. But eventually, you might come to like this new “normal” better than the old one.

Remember that this is a team effort. Too much responsibility on any one person is a breeding ground for resentment, anger, and alienation. And if you can’t manage to find your footing as a team, then try calling in reinforcements.

RELATED: A Financial Planner Shares The Top Reasons Most People Fail With Their Budget

4. Seek Outside Help

In a perfect world, we would be able to work through communication breakdowns with a little bit of hard work and empathy. But a perfect world this is not, and it’s hard to see the forest for the trees in the middle of a heated debate.

If you and your partner are struggling to find common ground, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. The APA’s latest Stress in America survey cites 72% of Americans feeling stressed about money within the last month. Financial problems don’t make you irresponsible or lesser than—it’s normal.

So, why should financial therapy be any different? This type of counseling introduces a neutral viewpoint to an otherwise volatile subject. An unbiased third party can untangle the emotional from the objective—or even introduce the two whenever necessary.

Finally, it’s important to remember that while money is an important part of life, it’s not life itself. If a couple is committed to maintaining an honest, accountable relationship, then no financial hurdle is too big to tackle together.

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Let’s face it: When it comes to sex and menopause, society gets weird. More specifically, they get silent. Older women’s sexual health is often tossed to the wayside, despite them still being very much interested in sex, thank you very much. 

This is unsurprising given how warped women’s sexual health awareness is at all stages of a woman’s life. And while Tabu can’t solve decades of misinformation and less-than-stellar sex, it can at least kickstart a reawakening moving forward. 

Because, frankly, sex is like most other aspects of life—if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. As its name suggests, Tabu is here to turn the “taboo” topic of mature women’s sexuality on its head.

Sexual Health In Midlife And Beyond

As we age, our sexuality doesn’t disappear—it only changes as our bodies do. Dr. Barb DePree, OB-GYN and menopause care specialist, explains that genitals contain the most concentrated areas of estrogen receptors. Thus, depleting estrogen levels due to age have the biggest impact on the vulva, vagina, and lower urinary tract.

“The lack of estrogen in the bloodstream leads to a decrease in blood flow, causing decreased vaginal lubrication,” DePree says. “These changes can also cause the vagina to shorten and narrow, all of which can result in painful intercourse.” 

Even one painful romp in the hay can be enough to create a negative feedback loop in our heads. Our bodies remember sex as uncomfortable, causing our bodies to tense, which only worsens the pain. Eventually, some women might give up altogether. 

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Hormone and physical therapy treatments are potential solutions, but given the stigma surrounding sex in midlife and the busy schedule of most middle-aged women, these solutions can prove too time-consuming, expensive, or uncomfortable. 

Still, regular sex can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, improve sleep, lower the risk of disease and incontinence, improve body confidence, and help stabilize mood and relationships. To put it simply: Not doing it shouldn’t be an option. So, what is there to do?

A Modern Sexual Wellness Routine

Sexual wellness routines don’t have to be complex, expensive, or invasive. Instead, clinicians and therapists recommend only a personal massager and moisturizing lubricant. These aren’t the gaudy “toys” you’d find hiding at the back of a Spencer’s Gifts. “A massager isn’t a ‘sex toy,’ however playful we might be with it,” says DePree.

“It’s like a hearing aid (‘audio toy’), a cane (‘mobility toy’), or reading glasses (‘vision toy’). [These are] devices that help us mitigate the effects of growing older.” And mitigate they do—using a personal massager about three times a week can bring blood flow back to your vaginal muscles and reverse atrophy or vaginal tightness. 

Of course, not all personal massagers are created equally. That’s where Tabu really starts to work its magic.

Meet The All-In-One Tabu Kit

The Tabu Kit contains a soft-touch personal massager and organic lubricant. The massager is made of 100% medical-grade silicone and can be used externally (for clitoral stimulation—great for improving blood flow) and internally (great for reducing vaginal atrophy). 

The massager is also waterproof and features an optional warming system to further increase blood flow. Its ergonomic handle makes it easy to grip, even for those with poor dexterity or flexibility. And finally, it has three speed settings. Don’t be fooled by the quiet motor, either—the Tabu massager is strong enough to overpower the decreased sensitivity that comes with age.

The Tabu Kit

$145 Shop Now at Tabu

Additionally, Tabu includes an organic, nourishing lubricant jam-packed with heavy-hitting ingredients. The fragrance-free formula is rich in fatty acids and antioxidants that protect against damaging free radicals.

Tabu Organic Lubricant

$39 Shop Now at Tabu

Tabu’s silky lubricant contains pH-balanced, anti-inflammatory ingredients like aloe leaf, peony root, vitamin E, hyaluronic acid, and passion flower. Together, the massager and lubricant help women reconnect with their bodies, sexuality, and pleasure.

RELATED: How Orgasms Can Lead To Better Skin

‘Thanks To Tabu, I Discovered Myself’

Tabu’s founder and CEO, Natalie Waltz, created Tabu after speaking candidly with her mother about sex. The brand’s tag, “use it or lose it,” was a bit of advice Waltz’s mom had to offer the soon-to-be 30-year-old.

“I started Tabu for our moms, aunts, friends, and future selves,” Waltz explains. 

And by the sounds of the reviews, the ladies appreciate it. “Thanks to Tabu, I discovered my sexual self again after many years of celibacy,” one reviewer wrote. “At 60, I am finally learning that knowing yourself will make you a better you whether you have a partner or not.”

The professionals approve, too. “As a therapist, I think this is a good tool for helping clients develop a healthy sense of their body and sexuality,” another customer added. “It is non-threatening, and your booklet presents self-pleasure and discovery in a very positive, normalizing way. Sleek, discreet, and does the trick.”

And finally, the Tabu Kit can be an invaluable tool for those who have experienced hormonal complications due to other medical issues. “I went through treatment for breast cancer a couple years ago,” one reviewer commented. “After going through medically induced menopause, I can’t use anything with hormones. I have tried several different solutions, and this seems to be working.”

The Tabu Kit

$145 Shop Now at Tabu

The Tabu Kit isn’t a hyper-sexualized, male-centric gag gift. It’s an ingenious tool for sexual wellness created by women for women—plain and simple. Get your kit today, and start reaping all the rewards your sexual reawakening has to offer.

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Many of us are familiar with the popular sitcoms from the ’50s and ’60s, from Dick Van Dyke to I Love Lucy. Couples are often shown on screen sleeping in twin beds separated by a nightstand. Though widely accepted at the time, the concept of separate beds gradually shifted as society’s ideas about marriage, love, and sexuality evolved.

By the 1960s, separate beds began to be seen as a sign of an ailing or distant marriage, despite once being the norm. As of today, many people consider separate beds, or *gasp* separate bedrooms, a taboo and outdated practice. 

Yet surprisingly the research and real-life accounts of couples who sleep separately beg otherwise.

What The Research Says

An estimated 61 percent of American adults share a bed, according to one study. This could be due to necessity, such as being tight on living space or not having the funds for separate beds, but the cultural acceptance and even insistence on sharing a bed with a partner probably also plays a big role.

Despite this, research shows that couples who sleep with their spouses sleep much worse. As an example, those sharing a bed with someone who snores have 50 percent more sleep interruptions than those without. As a result, many of those interruptions can lead to resentment, resulting in a strained relationship.

Even though snoring can be a deterrent to a good night’s rest, it wasn’t the only roadblock to sharing a bed. Researchers discovered that couples who have different sleep-wake schedules were more likely to suffer from problems in their relationship when forced to go to bed at the same time. 

In addition to the possibility of putting you or your partner in a wonky mood, some studies have also shown that couples who are out of sleep sync may face problems with sexual desire. 

RELATED: If You’re Not Investing In Your Bedsheets, It’s Costing You More In The Long Run

Ultimately, does this mean cosleeping with your partner is bad news? Not necessarily. 

According to one study, couples who are both asleep and awake at the same time report being more satisfied with their relationships. Is this to say that those with mismatched schedules are doomed? Not if they are aware that moments before and after sleep are essential for healthy relationships. For instance, if one partner goes to bed early, share some time together in bed before going to sleep. 

There has been limited research on the effects of couples sleeping apart, so we looked for real-life feedback from those who have tried sleeping separately.

What Real Life Couples Say

AskReddit posed this question: “Married people who sleep in separate bedrooms—how’s it working out for you?” The overwhelming majority of responses highly recommended the practice.

“It was the best decision we ever made,” one person wrote. “My husband and I are utterly incompatible when it comes to our needs for sleeping. Basically, I need some light in the room and some white noise, and he needs complete darkness and silence. We tried to find a middle ground for years, but there simply wasn’t one. One of us was always cranky and tired.”

“We finally decided to try the separate bedrooms thing and it was absolutely life-changing,” they went on to say. “A lot of people think our marriage is in shambles because we sleep in different beds but we don’t give a sh*t. Our sex life is awesome now because we’re not tired all the time anymore.”

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“We’re not married but we moved in together last September and we always sleep separately unless we have guests to stay,” another responder explained. “We both like our own space and like to stretch out. He snores a bit. I get up earlier for work than him so don’t want to wake him.”

We have a great relationship, we have regular sex, we just don’t sleep in the same room,” they added. “When you’re asleep you’re unconscious anyway so I don’t see why you need to do that with someone else.”

“Wonderfully. I actually sleep now as opposed to feeling anger and resentment at him for sleeping while his snoring would keep me up night after night,” another commenter chimed in. “I asked for 3 years for him to just see a doctor to see if there was anything that could be done. He thought I should just get over it…Therefore he sleeps elsewhere now.”

“He is welcome to come back to our room, all he has to do is make good on his promise to see a doctor that he never followed through on,” they continued. “If we had to share a room I honestly do believe the further decreased sleep would cause me to snap.”

In the end, there is no magic “one-size-fits-all” sleeping strategy, and what works for one couple may not necessarily work for another. Be sure to do what is right for you and your partner, and most importantly, do what makes you happy.

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When it comes to spicing up our relationships, finances are often the last topic of discussion. But according to Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, financial therapist and host of the Mind Money Balance podcast, nothing could be sexier. 

Skip the negligees, ice cubes, and whatever other weird thing Cosmo told you to try in the bedroom. If you want a deeper level of intimacy with your partner than ever, then it’s time to start trying money dates. 

Money dates alleviate stress, align goals and values, and help you connect to your partner. Sure, it might not sound as fun as a Caribbean love cruise at face value, but the money dates will get you there.

What, Exactly, Is A Money Date?

In Episode 91 of the Mind Money Balance podcast, Bryan-Podvin defines a money date as “a planned time to sit down with your money and review important goals.” These designated financial planning sessions can encompass a wide range of topics. But ultimately, the goal is to demystify a topic our society deems “taboo” or “unsexy.” 

Because we are very hush-hush about money as a culture, we tend not to talk about it until we have to. And when we have to talk about money, it’s not usually because we have a surplus. It’s during financial crises—times when it’s notably harder to discuss these sensitive topics.

So, why wait? By planning a specific time to discuss, partners can approach a touchy topic in a neutral environment. Additionally, by keeping the check-ins regular, households can better stay on track with their financial goals.

Values First: What Matters?

Finance includes a wide range of topics, and a money date can, too. However, to keep things as simple (read: less stressful) as possible, Bryan-Podvin recommends starting with values. Then, couples can move on to finances.

Before deciding how to divvy up your money, you first need to know where that money is going. Discussing financial values with your partner is a critical first step. Every financial decision you make will eventually return to these values. Some examples include:

• What would you do if you won a multi-million dollar lottery?
• How do we define financial security?
• What are our lifestyle priorities?

Other value-based questions can include debt and financial risk tolerance and whether supporting your extended family is a shared priority.

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Finances Second: How Do We Maintain Or Get What Matters?

Once these values have been decided, it’s time to move on to finance. Bryan-Podvin recommends sticking with the simplest topics on your first few money dates. Basic spending plans and short-term saving goals are good starting points.

Other potential topics include setting up life insurance, a will and trust, an emergency fund, and reviewing credit scores and reports. Additionally, it’s important to discuss retirement and long-term care goals as a team.

“Don’t try to tackle a bunch of financial topics at once,” Bryan-Podvin advises. “Once you’ve had a few money dates, I typically recommend a quick spending-plan check-in before moving onto another weightier topic like retirement or debt.”

How To Plan Your First (And Second, And Third) Money Date

Unfortunately, if the concept of a money date were effortless, you’d probably already be doing it. But alas, money talks kind of suck—Bryan-Podvin offers several pointers on how to make your money dates as fruitful as possible.

First, plan the time and subject matter in advance. That way, each partner can approach the conversation feeling confident and prepared. Next, keep it short and sweet. Regardless of how many topics you’ve covered, try to keep your date under 90 minutes. After that, we get antsy, irritated, and a lot less conversational.

Finally, be aware of your “orange flags.” Bryan-Podvin defines these as “warning signs that things are getting too heated.” They can look like eye rolls, getting flushed, a constricting feeling, or curt responses. When these occur, it’s best to hit pause and cool down, whether you’re at minute 10 or 80.

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The Benefits Of Monthly Money Dates

While taxes and 401ks might not seem to do wonders for the libido, money dates are more beneficial to your intimacy levels than you might think. According to an AICPA survey, nearly half of American couples experiencing financial tension—about 7 in 10 married or cohabitating pairs—say it’s negatively affected their intimacy. 

Monthly money dates not only strengthen your bond as a team. They also reduce stress and the risk of financial infidelity, which, in turn, fortifies your connection even further. All of this translates to happier days (and nights, too). 

Moreover, money dates can help set the groundwork for other forms of communication. Finances are a tricky topic to tackle. If you and your partner work out a system for something like that, managing other conversations about life, love, and everything in between will be a breeze.

“When you are able to talk to your partner together calmly, compassionately, with kindness, about what you want to do in your relationship and how you will fund those things in your plans—that’s frickin’ sexy,” Bryan-Podvin says. “Nothing says, ‘I’ve got you, babe,’ like a five-year money plan.”

So, go ahead—plan a money date with your boo. You’ll be surprised at its overarching effects on your trust, connection, and intimacy. What could be sexier than that?

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When you have a newborn, everyone’s focus, including your own, tends to shift away from you. Your needs and wants hit the backburner. You want to do everything you can to keep your baby healthy and happy. And that’s mostly to be expected. (Although we highly recommend letting other people take some of the load occasionally.)

One woman (we’ll call her Stephanie) took things way too far when she asked her sister (Mary) to keep providing breastmilk for her newborn when Mary was going through one of the hardest times of her life.

This recent story from the “Am I The A**hole?” thread on Reddit has a lot to unpack. The story features a complicated relationship between sisters, a formula shortage, a new mom, and the heartbreaking situation of a grieving mom.

For anyone who has dealt with a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, this story could be triggering. However, we believe these stories should be told in an effort to reduce the stigma surrounding losing a baby, and all the complicated emotions around the issue.

‘Am I Wrong For No Longer Supplying My Sister Breast Milk?’

On the popular Reddit thread, Mary has asked the community if they agree with her sister Stephanie. Her question is this, “Am I The A**hole for telling my sister I will no longer give her my breast milk?” And, from the jump, she doesn’t sound like an a**hole…at all.

Here’s the situation. Mary recently gave birth to a stillborn baby. Her sister Stephanie gave birth to a “healthy baby boy” the next week. While Mary was producing breastmilk, her sister wasn’t able to breastfeed her baby.

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So, out of the kindness of her heart, Mary offered to provide breastmilk to her sister’s son while she was pumping. (Mary’s doctors recommended she pump for three weeks).

During that time, there was a formula shortage. Mary agreed to pump breastmilk for an additional two weeks when Stephanie couldn’t find any formula. Since the formula has been restocked, Mary told her sister that she would stop pumping. Stephanie then told Mary that her son was having stomach problems from the formula and asked her to continue pumping.

When Mary told her sister that she couldn’t emotionally handle it anymore, her sister responded cruelly. She told Mary that she was “selfish and the embodiment of misery loves company.” Cue the record scratch. Having two sisters myself, I get that the relationship between sisters can be complicated. However, the entitled attitude that Stephanie is displaying is beyond grotesque.

Her sister just went through a traumatic event, and it doesn’t seem like anyone is acknowledging that. Sadly, even Mary’s mom agrees that she should “help out” her sister. Luckily, Mary is getting support from her husband. He believes her sister is “way out of line.”

In the end, Mary agreed to pump for a few more days to give her sister a freezer stash until she can find a better formula for her son. And, Mary even mentions feeling “awful” for not “helping her out more.”

We think this mom is the epitome of kindness and bravery in the face of adversity, and we’re not alone. Support from the Reddit community definitely came through.

Commenters Did Not Hold Back

One commenter agreed that Stephanie should be grateful for all that Mary has done, especially while she’s mourning her own child. “Your husband is right. You shouldn’t be bullied into continuing your milk production and then pumping when this is time for you to grieve. You were kind enough to continue for 2 additional weeks, she needs to be grateful and move on.”

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Another commenter did offer an alternative to Stephanie’s behavior. While she did empathize with Stephanie somewhat, she still agreed that Mary was in no way the a**hole. Societal pressures to breastfeed are high and it can leave mothers feeling like they are “bad moms” if they can’t provide breastmilk.

Stephanie may be dealing with emotions surrounding the fact that she can’t breastfeed, or possibly even postpartum depression, which might be skewing her outlook.

This commenter stated, “When I first had to supplement because I wasn’t making enough I felt like a bad mother, and ironically I feel like we can often be made to feel that way, so maybe your sister is struggling with that decision.”

It’s important to note that there are milk banks for situations like these and sensitive formulas for babies that can’t process certain formulas. This is a situation in which Stephanie should consult her son’s pediatrician to come up with an appropriate solution.

Another commenter simply stated, “You deserve the ability to grieve and move on on your own timeline. The fact your sister doesn’t care about your loss or grief is astounding. I’m sorry she is so self-absorbed and can’t see your pain. I’m sorry for your tremendous loss and am so thankful you have such a supportive spouse.”

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Financial independence is a fundamental aspect of women’s security. Whether it is the ability to sustain oneself financially, have access to money whenever and wherever, or have cash on hand in case of an emergency, a woman’s financial situation is paramount. ‌Nevertheless, the question of how a woman should cast her financial safety net remains controversial for some. 

After her marriage started showing red flags, one woman’s concern prompted her to start planning a rainy day divorce fund. ‌While some found her “get-out fund,” problematic, others saw it as a necessary precaution.  

Divorce Funds Are A Thing

A woman, who we’ll call Amy, has been married to her husband, who we’ll call Kurt, for eight years. ‌She‌ ‌explains‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌maintain fair but separate finances, both‌ ‌contributing‌ ‌equally‌ ‌to‌ ‌bills‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌joint‌ ‌savings‌ ‌account. The couple, however, ‌holds ‌separate‌ ‌checking‌ ‌accounts. ‌According to Amy, after expenses, it is up to them how they choose to spend their remaining funds.

Amy‌ ‌explains‌ ‌that‌ ‌she and Kurt make roughly the same amount of money. ‌In spite of that, Kurt is more inclined to spend his money‌ ‌on‌ ‌expensive‌ ‌hobbies. Amy built a separate personal savings account with her excess funds to serve as a “divorce fund” in the event of a separation. 

According to Amy, she opened the‌ ‌account‌ ‌due‌ ‌to‌ ‌some‌ ‌red‌ ‌flags. “I’m just not sure about my marriage and I feel safer having the ability to leave if things get worse,” she says. “My mom was in two abusive relationships while I grew up and I never want to be in a situation where I feel trapped,” she adds, indicating that such a fund could provide protection.

Despite Kurt’s nonabusive behavior towards Amy, she mentions that they haven’t had sex‌ with each other ‌in‌ ‌five‌ ‌years. ‌Although she mentions that they’re in therapy, the lack of intimacy has caused ‌tension.

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“I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship anymore and I’m not sure how to fix it when he refuses to open up to me,” she shares. ‌Amy‌ ‌says‌ ‌she is giving the situation time but feels better about having a plan in place if things get worse.

Her willingness to outline an exit strategy didn’t‌ ‌sit‌ ‌well‌ ‌with‌ ‌her‌ ‌best‌ ‌friend. Following her confession, they said she was‌‌ ‌‌disloyal‌‌ ‌‌to‌‌ ‌‌her‌‌ ‌‌marriage.

In their opinion, by having a secret divorce fund, Amy has “one foot out the door.” Rather than wait, they suggested she leave now since it would be the kinder thing to do.

Does The Money Really Matter?

Marital success isn’t‌ ‌automatic. ‌Taking‌ ‌your‌ ‌situation‌ ‌for‌ ‌granted‌ ‌can‌ ‌have‌ ‌serious consequences. ‌As‌ ‌Amy‌ ‌mentioned, she did not want to be trapped as her mother once was, a situation that many women face when they become financially dependent on their ‌spouses. 

Is having a divorce fund equivalent to‌ ‌having one‌ ‌foot‌ ‌out‌ ‌the‌ ‌door? While some may think so, others see it as no more complicated than a standard ‌insurance‌ ‌policy. ‌It’s never a bad idea to take responsibility for‌ ‌your‌ ‌financial‌ ‌security. Or is it?

Finances in relationships is always a tricky topic, and often times isn’t split evenly down the middle. If one partner contributes more to bills or a joint savings account while the other is setting aside extra money for a divorce fund, it could be perceived as both deceitful on multiple levels.

It is inevitable that even if one is an expert at keeping secrets, the fund would eventually come to light if ‌divorce‌ ‌proceedings‌ ‌began. ‌As part of a divorce, all assets acquired during the marriage are divided. ‌This begs‌ ‌the‌ ‌question,‌ ‌does‌ ‌the‌ ‌divorce fund‌ ‌money‌ ‌really‌ ‌matter?

What Happens To That Fund If You Ultimately Divorce?

In the end, only you can decide if opening a divorce fund is worthwhile. ‌Despite its ability to provide financial security and autonomy, it is not without its drawbacks. Cash is generally divided as marital property unless proven as separate property, such ‌a‌s a ‌gift. 

In‌ ‌Amy’s case, most commenters agreed that she was in the right for setting aside the funds since it was primarily hers and they had agreed to maintain separate accounts. They did inform her of the fate of her rainy day funds. “In a divorce, I highly doubt he wouldn’t get half of it anyway,” said one commenter.

If‌ ‌you‌ ‌decide‌ ‌that‌ ‌a‌ ‌secret‌ ‌divorce‌ ‌fund‌ ‌will help you sleep at night, you may want to take some of the ‌advice‌ ‌above. ‌Make sure you are familiar with the specific laws of your state with regards to your spouse’s rights to the‌ ‌fund. ‌Account for the amount not being there when you need it and save even‌ ‌more. ‌

In addition, it can be helpful to reflect on why you need the fund in the first place. And, ‌whether your relationship with your spouse needs more attention.

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If anything is certain, people go to Reddit under the oddest circumstances. There was the husband who sneakily invited his mother to go on vacation with his family. Then, there was the husband who hinted at sleeping with his sister-in-law instead of paying for IVF. And, of course, there was the husband who sided with his mother instead of his wife when caring for their newborn. If you haven’t noticed, there seems to be a constant theme. 

A Redditor, we’ll call her Olivia, was recently put into a strange situation that caused her to leave a “couples vacation” in which, it turned out, she was the third wheel. In this story, Olivia and her husband, “Ben” are planning to go on a three-day vacation out of state.

There’s just one problem, though. Ben doesn’t want to go without his BFF, Carl. It seems that three days away from Carl isn’t in the cards. So, what does Ben do? The answer is clear. He should obviously invite Carl on a romantic getaway with him and his wife. 

The Backstory Of ‘Carl’

So, if it’s not evident, Ben and Carl are BFFs. But these guys aren’t teenagers or in their early 20s. They’re in their 30s, an age when family tends to come before friendships and other relationships.

According to Olivia, Ben and Carl “do everything together.” Ben has even called Carl his “nicotine because he misses him and wants to spend time with him.”

And sadly, Carl’s wife recently passed away from cancer. At first, Olivia said that Carl became distant after her death, but more recently Ben and Carl have been spending more time together. Ben brings Carl food and even bought him new clothes.

We aren’t here to say that friendships aren’t important, because they are. And men having solid friendships is great. Friendships are even more important when one is grieving or having a difficult time. And all of this (aside from the nicotine comment) doesn’t sound so strange. That is, until the vacation.

The Vacation From Hell

Olivia booked one room for a romantic beach vacay with her husband, Ben. Because, of course. Why would you book more than one room, or have more than one bed, when you and your spouse are going on vacation? But, Olivia is blindsided when on their way out of town her husband makes a pitstop to pick up Carl to go on their vacation, too.

Ben tells Olivia that Carl “needs” this vacation. According to Olivia, money is tight, and since his wife’s death, Carl hasn’t worked. So, a room for two now becomes a room for three. Olivia doesn’t go into detail on what they did on the first day of their vacation.

But, apparently, she was either tired or just tired of being the third wheel because she states, “I was in bed when my husband and Carl got back, I got woken up by my husband telling me to get out of bed and sleep on the mattress he put for me on the floor and he and Carl would take the bed.” Ummmm. What?!

So, of course, Olivia tells Carl to leave the room. After a short argument with Ben, she gets dressed and goes home. Ben tells her that she’s being “irrational” and even Carl throws in that she’s “making a non-issue an issue.”

We have to side with Olivia.

A Troubled Relationship

A large majority of the commenters on the thread think that Ben and Carl are having an affair. Or, at least, Ben has romantic feelings for Carl. Whether or not Carl knows, we’re unsure. Many comments sounded something like this, “Yeah, this marriage has a third wheel, and sorry to say, it’s not Carl.”

Another commenter noted that in the original post “Olivia” never stated their gender. So, honestly “Olivia” could be “Oliver” and the whole scenario could be explained a little more easily.

One stated, “It occurs to me that OP never stated that they were a woman (unless they edited their post later). It doesn’t change the fact that the husband is sleeping with Carl though.”

If something is going on between Carl and Ben, it is unlikely that Ben is going to willingly fess up. It sounds like Olivia is going to have to initiate some difficult conversations with Ben.

For starters, the deception and total disregard for her feelings should be addressed. We’re also not sure if Ben and Carl finished the vacation on their own or followed Olivia home on the first night. However, when Ben got home he told Olivia that she had “acted abhorrently and disgustingly” and ruined the trip for everyone.

We hope Olivia reminds him of everything he did to make sure the trip was a non-starter from the beginning. Maybe the two can work it out. Maybe not. But, it’s clear that Ben needs to take a step away from his friend if he wants his marriage to work.

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The defamation trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard might be over, but its shockwaves are still rippling through the zeitgeist. While some treated the spectacle as prime-time TV, others cringed at the memories the trial shook loose. 

Team Johnny and Team Amber camps were crawling with armchair relationship experts. Complicated, nuanced snapshots of this couple’s worst moments were dissected on a national scale. All the while, most of us were left wondering: what is abuse? 

Most of us are somewhat familiar with the most obvious signs of abuse, like physical violence and controlling or extremely jealous behavior. Even more subtle symptoms, like gaslighting and love bombing, have recently become household terms. 

But like the messy chaos of Depp and Heard’s relationship, there are often other signs of an unhealthy relationship that go unnoticed. We reached out to the (actual) experts to shed light on the less-talked-about signs of a toxic or abusive relationship.

1. Ignoring Love Languages

One such sign is someone ignoring their partner’s love language. This can look like a partner repeatedly avoiding affection, emotional intimacy, erotic touch, or other needs. (In addition to knowing your and your partner’s love languages, you should also become familiar with your apology languages.)

“When one’s needs continually go unmet, it qualifies as neglect. Neglect falls under the category of abuse, yet it is rarely discussed,” says Dr. Wyatt Fisher, licensed psychologist and developer of Apps for Couples.

2. Creating Financial Codependency

Another form of abuse that often goes unnoticed is financial abuse. Financial codependency occurs “when one partner begins relying on the other’s finances and makes them feel guilty if they express any hesitation,” explains Lachlan Brown, founder and editor of the relationship advice platform Hack Spirit.

Alternatively, financial abuse can also occur when a higher-earning partner uses money to control the lesser-earning partner. Controlling or possessive behavior around money can be a sign of financial abuse.

3. Sex Has Become One-Sided Or A Chore

—or worse, non-consensual. Chris Pleines, a dating expert at DatingScout.com, explains that abnormal sexual behaviors can indicate potential abuse or toxicity. Healthy sexual intimacy involves giving and taking.

“It’s nice to pleasure your partner, but if you always give without being pleasured in return, this would cause an imbalance. It is also similar if one of you regularly takes without providing anything in return. This will build resentment between the two of you.”

Forcing kinks on someone is another form of abuse, adds Katina Tarver, mental health and relationship expert. In this case, the partner “has a set of sexual fantasies, and without giving any thought, they force those on you with a presumption that you will definitely like them.”

4. Swinging Self-Esteem

Swinging self-esteem is another potential red flag, says Debee Gold, owner and clinical director of Gold Counseling. If a partner constantly puts themselves down in front of you, “this is a sign that they don’t believe they deserve anything good.”

“They’re trying to manipulate you into constantly feeling sorry for them,” Gold continues. They’re trying to push you into “making yourself small so that you don’t accidentally offend them or hurt their fragile self-worth.”

5. Using Racial Or National Microaggressions

Some signs of toxicity and abuse are specific to interracial or international couples. Renata Castro, Esq., of Castro Legal Group, sees hundreds of domestic violence victims as an immigration attorney.

“Several times, immigrant men and women don’t recognize small but traumatizing signs of abuse,” Castro says. “They are so used to being discriminated that they don’t associate the behavior with abuse.”

“Being made fun of for having an accent, being ostracized from socializing with others of the same culture, being judged for liking food from one’s culture, these microaggressions tend to rise up to more frequent and painful forms of abuse.”

6. Always Seeming To Ruin Big Events

Life happens—it’s unavoidable. But if your partner seems to always have a crisis during important life events, it might be a sign of an abusive or toxic person. “A narcissist will find a way to make themselves the center of attention,” explains Veronica Weedon, founder of Revival Health.

“Be it a holiday, promotion, anniversary, or something serious, like a death in the family, a narcissist will find a way to overshadow the event,” Weedon continues. “The more important the occasion, the more dramatic the actions will be.”

“By shifting your focus back onto them, they remove your ability to be happy, sad, or grieve. It’s another form of control. Over time, your feelings are no longer your own, as they are always based on what your partner emotes.”

7. Practicing Self-Sensitivity

Finally, Pareen Sehat MC, RCC, considers self-sensitivity to be one of the most ignored (and insidious) forms of toxic and abusive behavior. “Someone displaying self-sensitive qualities will exhibit little or no concern to someone else’s feelings but display extreme levels of sensitivity when it comes to themselves.”

“Self-sensitivity is the worst trait to have, in my opinion. It feels like walking on eggshells with the other person. More often than not, self-sensitive people are harsh in their judgment of others and overly critical of everything around them.”

What To Do If These Signs Sound Familiar

If the Depp-Heard trial taught us anything, it’s that relationships are complex. Indeed, no two partnerships will be exactly alike. If any of these toxic and abusive behaviors sound familiar, that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed to fail. 

However, it does mean that your connection is in need of some maintenance. (And even the healthiest relationships require time and energy.) It’s also important to remember that while abuse is always toxic, toxic behavior isn’t always abuse. 

Open communication, honest dedication, and professional counseling can address toxic behaviors before they develop into full-blown abuse. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, seek help immediately.

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Taking a vacation with a spouse can be a time to reconnect and get away from the everyday hustle. You can have new experiences, learn exciting things about one another, and enjoy just relaxing and just being together.

However, when one person wants to add another person to the trip, things can get awkward quickly. And when that same person disregards every boundary the other has set, the situation can get ugly, fast.

That’s precisely what prompted one Redditor to ask, “AITA for walking out of the airport when I saw my husband’s mom standing there with her luggage?”

A Little Backstory

The original poster, whom we’ll call Sophia, and her mother-in-law don’t get along.

Sophia says that her MIL, whom we’ll call Carol, always behaved strangely towards her. It began with making strange comparisons between them and escalated to full-on imitation, like Carol dying her hair purple after Sophia did. To make matters worse, Carol even blamed Sophia for her botched hair dye, claiming somehow that Sophia was trying to make a joke out of her. So already, Carol sounds like a gem.

Sophia went on to say she saved up to go on a two-week vacation with her husband. As soon as Carol found out, she asked to come along. When she was told no, Carol “threw a fit.” Umm…yikes!

Things went along like that for a while. “She called, texted, sent people to talk to me into letting her come, even threatened to call the police and make some complaint up to get us to stay if she [couldn’t] come,” Sophia wrote.

The (Numerous) Red Flags

This is the first in a long line of red flags for me. The total disregard for Sophia’s feelings is concerning and her boundaries are already being crossed left and right. The extremes that Carol is willing to go to (calling the cops?!) are disconcerting at the least.

It was also obvious from the beginning that the husband wanted his mother to come along. He began to demand that his mother come, eventually giving Sophia an ultimatum. Which is the start of his many manipulations.

He stated that he wouldn’t go on the trip unless his mother could come too. When Sophia “called his bluff,” he relented and said that he would drop it. However, his only “responsibility” for the trip was to book the flight. And, that he did.

Best Laid Plans 

Sophia and her husband make it to the airport to begin their journey. However, Sophia noted that her husband was acting weird. She said it seemed like he was “looking for someone” at the airport.

Her concerns are verified when she finds Carol ready to go on vacation with them, complete with luggage and a ticket to board the airplane. The ticket was, of course, booked by the husband.

Sophia turns on her heels and walks out of the airport, but her husband is right behind her, yelling at her to come back and telling her that she is overreacting. He also tries to play it off like his mom was “already there” so she should just go with it and not ruin the trip.

Even after Sophia goes home, her husband continues to “berate” her and tells her that she’s being “too hard” on his mom. He even called Sophia’s family to tell them she’s “ruined” the trip. Even her family tells her that she should have “sucked it up” and tried to enjoy the vacation.

What’s Next For This Couple?

There are likely several moments in which Sophia could reflect to find out where and when things started going wrong in the relationship. But she definitely did the right thing in refusing to just “go along” with the situation at the airport.

The manipulation and gaslighting that is happening here is frightening, and it’s likely been going on for a while. This may just be the latest circumstance. Luckily Sophia stood up for herself and refused to go on a vacation where she likely would be outvoted and ignored for most of the trip.

Many of the commenters had similar advice for Sophia. Divorce. The top comment stated, “I don’t wanna call the divorce card but … divorce. You told your boundaries, you said no. She crossed it. Your husband told you he would tell her no, he lied. He tried to pin you in a corner by not saying anything and bringing her anyways and got upset [when] you refused to be a part of his little trap?? And then to berate you?? He’s not a good man. He needs to go.”

This sentiment is echoed again and again and for good reason. Secure relationships are where both people feel heard and connected. They should be honest with one another and should feel comfortable expressing their feelings.

Most, if not all of these important issues seem to be missing from this relationship. Oh, they also shouldn’t spend the other person’s money without their consent. All of these things are true for any relationship.

If you are constantly trying to be heard, attempting to pacify the other person, or if you are afraid that your partner is lying and gaslighting you, then it may be time to cut ties. After all, there are other “travel partners” that may be better suited for you. We hope Sophia finds a new one (minus the overbearing mother-in-law), soon.

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Couples should discuss a few pregnancy-related topics before welcoming a new baby. Should we be parents, for instance?

Although these points shouldn’t be taken lightly, and are usually discussed between partners, one husband preferred to consult mommy dearest instead. Mother knows best, after all. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, of course. 

One woman’s story highlights this clearly after seeing a deceptive FB post from her mother-in-law. Worse still, the post was via her husband’s Facebook page about a pregnancy that wasn’t yet official.

The Back Story

A woman, age 23 who we’ll call Katie, recently found out she had an unplanned pregnancy with her husband. Katie and her partner have been talking about whether or not they’re ready to become parents and were on the fence still about having kids.

In order to protect their privacy, Katie asked her husband not to tell anyone about her pregnancy. However, her husband still took it upon himself to inform his mother that they were pregnant. He did not let her know about their apprehension. Rather, when he told her about the news, he merely asked her to remain quiet about it.

Katie’s MIL didn’t take the hint and went on her son’s Facebook page to announce Katie’s pregnancy. Worst of all, she even pretended to be Katie’s husband. 

After learning of the shocking revelation, Katie confronted her mother-in-law on the phone. According to her MIL, she flippantly figured that using one of their social media accounts would not bother them.

Katie, appalled at the clear boundaries crossed, lost her temper with her MIL. Evidently, the argument was so heated that her MIL cried. 

When Katie’s husband found out, he defended his mother, lashing out at his wife for “poor treatment” and “abuse” against his mother. No amount of reasoning that his mother had violated their privacy and was putting additional pressure on them to have the baby seemed to land.

Katie’s husband dismissed her entirely, stating that it was technically his Facebook account and therefore his privacy hadn’t been violated. He felt that the argument with his mother shouldn’t have happened and demanded for his wife to apologize.

Katie refused, but in her post questioned if she may have overacted. Oh boy, the red flags to unpack here!

Who Is In The Wrong?

There was nothing particularly commendable about Katie’s husband’s or MIL’s actions. In fact, the majority of commenters on Katie’s post reflected this sentiment and then some. It’s hard to have clarity when inside a relationship, and many were quick to point out that this may just be the tip of the iceberg.

“Quite frankly, you need to truly consider if you want to have a child with this man, because this behavior (his, and his mother’s) is only a wind-up. It will get worse,” one commenter warned.

“Think hard about whether you want to be tied to this family for the next 18 years. Is your husband going to yell at you and side with his mom every time you disagree about your kid?” another commenter echoed.

As the comment section churned, a new theory began bubbling up that perhaps Katie’s husband was the mastermind all along.

“It’s probably that he definitely wants the pregnancy to proceed,” wrote one user. “[Katie] isn’t sure and he’s using his mother to help force the decision.”

Honestly, we’re not sure what’s worse here: a husband who clearly is not supporting his wife, or a husband who is trying to manipulate her. Either way, this behavior is far from the realm of acceptable.

At the end of the day, Katie is not in the wrong. Her MIL should apologize to her, but she shouldn’t count on it. Apart from having a child with this man, she needs to seriously consider whether or not marriage is going to work with his mother as a third wheel. As the saying goes: Two’s company, three’s a crowd.

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So, you cheated on your boyfriend. You’re probably freaking out and wondering what to do next. Cheating is very damaging to almost any relationship it affects. Even so, there are ways to move past cheating and onto a happy life. Here’s what to do if you cheated.

What To Do After Cheating On Your Boyfriend

It’s like the old saying: breaking trust in your relationship is like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can try to flatten it out again, but it will never be good-as-new. Once you’ve cheated, there’s no undoing it. Even if it’s tempting, in the present moment, pretending it didn’t happen or hiding it will leave you regretting it down the road. It may seem like all hope is lost, but in reality, cheating can help you discover issues in your relationship and find ways to solve them. Every struggle and conflict is an opportunity to learn and grow as a couple. While cheating is definitely not an acceptable course of action, it can help you evaluate how to move forward and improve your relationship.

Identify Why You Cheated.

We know that there are many reasons why people cheat. You’ll need to spend some time figuring out exactly why you cheated. Identifying why you cheated may require some introspection and will definitely rely on self-awareness. Understanding why you cheated is the first step to coming to terms with what happened and how you are going to move forward. If you’re struggling with this, talking it out with a therapist or even a trusted family member or friend can help you process your emotions.

Take Responsibility And Listen

Your partner is likely to need a lot of care and reassurance at this time. Listen to them as they identify and express their needs. Be clear about where you stand with your relationship and why you’ve found yourself in this position. Make sure that you understand the scope of what you’ve done and why repeating it is out of the question. Help your partner understand that you take responsibility for what happened. Be understanding and open to their thoughts and feelings when they’re ready to express them.

Don’t Fear Time Apart

​​There’s a good chance that both you and your partner will be afraid of the relationship ending at this time. The truth is that when tensions are high, it’s not always the best time to process your emotions together. Don’t fear taking time to yourselves to calm down and think about where you stand. According to Nawal Alomari, a licensed clinical professional counselor, “It’s like getting hired for a job that you know you’re not going to do well.” She told Bustle, “Why run yourself through the dirt? Take time to develop your skills romantically.” Even if you choose not to take a real “break,” don’t put pressure on yourself or your partner to get over things quickly. Give yourselves space to heal, talk through things, and process.

Check In On Yourself And Your Partner

We all know that communication is one of the most important ingredients for a successful relationship. It’s also the key to getting through trust issues. Make sure to make a point of staying aware of what you’re feeling like the relationship dynamic shifts. You should also consistently check in on your partner to see how they’re feeling. Sexologist Jess O’Reilly even recommends having monthly check-ins to make sure you both have opportunities to share how you’re feeling without being in the middle of an argument.

Get Help

When you hear “couples therapy,” you probably think of a couple who’s been married for years. In reality, couples therapy can benefit any and every couple. It will also be beneficial for you and your partner to attend therapy on your own to get a grasp of what’s going on.

Can Relationships Recover After Cheating?

Cheating changes your relationship dynamic, and it can be difficult and sometimes impossible to get it back to a place that satisfies you both. Still, just because bouncing back takes work and commitment, it’s not an impossible feat. Some relationships can persevere, and overcoming difficult periods in your relationship can be the key to building long-lasting love. (Just look at how Beyoncé bounced back after Lemonade!).

As painful as it may be, cheating may be an indication that the relationship has run its course. If you and your partner both decide to move forward together, it’s time to get to work repairing your dynamic. You should start by cutting off contact with the person you cheated with. You may want to take it a step further and block them on social media. With this, you’ll need to make a promise to your partner and yourself that you won’t repeat what happened. As you navigate repairing your relationship, don’t be afraid to go to therapy or try new things. The most important part of moving forward is identifying what you both want and being open and honest about everything.

What would you do if you found a hidden camera in your bedroom? Would you immediately call the cops or would you start an internal investigation? Either way, you’d probably go through a lot of feelings. Fear, anger, and confusion would most likely be a few of the intense emotions that you’d feel. 

Well, this is exactly what happened to a woman (let’s call her Nancy) when she found a camera installed in the bedroom she shares with her husband, who we’ll call Mark. Nancy went to Reddit to ask for advice on a very serious situation.

The Set-Up

Nancy starts her story by stating that Mark was recently in a car accident. He’s been bedridden due to a back injury he sustained and Nancy is his primary caregiver. While this situation is stressful enough, Nancy’s mother-in-law has truly been making it a nightmare.

In the beginning, Mark’s mother (we’ll call her Tina), had demanded hourly updates on her son’s condition. A forgotten or late message only ensured a flurry of angry messages from Tina. If that wasn’t bad enough, Tina also insisted on coming over every day, seemingly to point out everything Nancy was doing wrong, refusing to lift a finger herself.

One day, Nancy received a phone call from Tina. On the other end of the receiver, Tina was spewing judgment and hate over Nancy not replacing Mark’s sheets quickly enough. At first, Nancy brushed it off as she was used to weeks of this type of behavior. But it was another phone call that frighteningly put it all into perspective.

The Fallout

Not long after the angry bedsheet call, Nancy received a call from Mark’s sister, telling her that Tina, “installed a camera in the bedroom to see if I was taking proper care of her son.”

Nancy was “stunned” after the bombshell her sister-in-law dropped. She searched the bedroom and quickly found the camera, then called TIna. “She admitted it and said she was just feeling concerned and wanted to make sure her son was being cared for,” Nancy stated.

The two argued, with Nancy rightfully angry about having her privacy violated. In the end, she banned Tina from her home. This obviously did not go over well with Tina. She “went on a rant” about how stopping her from seeing her adult son will make her sick. But Nancy was putting her foot down.

When Nancy talked to Mark about the situation, he told her that she was being vindictive. Plus, he stated if Nancy banned his mom from visiting him anymore, he’d just go live with her instead.

Honestly, this is probably what he should do, and let Nancy live her life in peace. While I’m not sure what injuries he suffered during his accident, unless that’s the cause of his recent behavior, his reaction is ridiculous. Nancy has a right to privacy, and his mother completely violated it. She knowingly broke Nancy’s trust and will have to do a lot to earn it back (if she ever can).

If Nancy decides to stay with Mark a few things need to happen. Firstly, Mark’s mother needs to back off. Mark needs to understand that Nancy has put her life on hold to become his full-time caretaker, and should be somewhat grateful. Another option would be to hire an outside person to take care of Mark so Nancy can have some respite. Or, Nancy could let Mark follow through on his threat to go live with his mom. I think that’s the best option for Nancy, to get away from Mark, Tina, and the whole family.

The Story Doesn’t End There

Nancy made another post on Reddit stating that Mark had claimed marrying her was bad luck. Mark is religious but Nancy’s not, and she said that he’s taken it really far.

“He basically started putting blame on me for every bad thing [that’s] happened to him,” she starts. Everything from losing his job, deaths in the family, a family member going to jail, and lastly, his recent car wreck. “He started repeatedly saying that I brought bad luck upon him and blaming me for all that’s been happening to him and his family. His mom of course agrees 100%,” she stated.

Nancy stated that her self-esteem has taken a hit. She said she feels miserable and she thinks it may have been a mistake to marry him (we think so too). Mark and Tina’s behavior is beyond reprehensible and he needs to understand that his words matter. Hopefully, Nancy will soon come to a decision regarding her marriage. We are hopeful that in the near future, she will be able to rebuild her confidence and self-esteem and live a life free from her terrible husband and overbearing MIL.

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Many people go to great lengths to become parents. If you’ve ever dealt with infertility you probably know that there are several options out there. There’s AI, IFV, IUI, and a slew of other fertility treatment acronyms. There are also open and closed adoptions. And, there’s surrogacy. But, any way you go about it, most routes to becoming a parent (at least in the US) are costly.

Recently, a woman’s post on Reddit showed how some men might use a woman’s desire to become a mother for their own benefit. The original poster stated that she and her husband were going through infertility. They were considering surrogacy and even had a surrogate lined up. While this should sound like good news, the husband’s suggestion to go about things “the old-fashioned way” alerted many commenters to future problems.

Mama Or Auntie?

The poster stated that her younger sister had agreed to be the couple’s surrogate. After her husband “looked into” the cost and amount of time IVF would take, he started making comments about having a child “the traditional way” with the poster’s sister. And, if it sounds like something out of The Handmaid’s Tale, it should, because that’s exactly what it is.

The poster shut down her husband’s suggestion quickly. But, he continued to guilt her stating that she doesn’t “trust him.” The poster has told her husband that she’s uncomfortable going the surrogacy route now. In response, he has called her selfish “for choosing to back out when he still wants to be a dad like he expected” when they got married. She stated that she’s devastated for several reasons but he maintained, “it’s just a quick way for us to have a baby and spare the money and time to use later.”

Not only is the husband attempting to cheat on his wife. But, he’s also making it seem like she’s being inconsiderate. The poster hasn’t told her sister what her husband suggested. (Probably wise.) And, she knows she’ll regret it if she decides to go along with his plan. Infertility is emotionally painful, particularly for the mother. And, choosing surrogacy is a huge decision. Add on a husband who apparently has no moral compass or compassion and things aren’t looking so good for the poster.

Legally Speaking

Many commenters pointed out that technically that the child would be the poster’s niece or nephew and not her child. “Lawyer here, and legally that would be the case as well. Without an official surrogacy contract, the sister can claim the baby as her own, and [the] husband can be on the hook for child support. [You] will have a hard time proving legal rights to the child. This is a terrible idea all around,” stated one legal mind.

Others commented that his suggestion was probably just a ploy to get what he wants. One commenter got right to the point stating, “Sounds like he wants to cheat on you with your sister and is gaslighting you. Sorry if this comment seems harsh but he sounds like he is totally aware of what he’s doing and emotionally manipulating you to do what he wants. Don’t fall for it. Too many red flags here.”

Another commenter queried, “What happens if your sister doesn’t get pregnant on the first try? Get away from this guy.” We hope she does.

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If you’re a mom, you probably know how important those first few hours, days, weeks, months, (ahem, years) are with your baby. And, when you’re a brand new mom and you have this tiny human who relies on you for food, comfort, and warmth when someone tries to come in between that, it’s definitely not a good look for them.

So, when a mom asked Reddit whether she was wrong for not asking her mother-in-law (MIL) nicely to hand over her baby for feeding, commenters had a lot to say. And when you learn the details, it’s obvious that this woman has more to worry about than being “nice” to her MIL.

The Backstory

The new mom began the post by saying she had her baby five weeks ago and her husband’s parents have been staying with them. Off the bat, I’m already overwhelmed for her and she said the same. I mean, sure, having family stay with you can be helpful with a new baby. But when tensions rise, as they can with a newborn, having extra family members around can make things even more stressful.

The new mom stated in the post that her MIL regularly takes the baby and won’t give him back, even when he’s hungry and crying. She wrote, “MIL has a habit of taking the baby and refusing to give him back to me. She’d say I’m deliberately ruining her time with him. My son needs feeding every 2 hrs and she basically makes me beg her to hand him over to me so I [can] feed [him].”

Already, I’m over this MIL who is apparently more worried about her own happiness than her new grandson’s or daughter-in-law’s (DIL) wellbeing, but I digress. Note, if you’re a guest in a new mom’s house you should be helpful. Help with cleaning, cooking, and supporting the new mom. Hold the baby when asked and definitely give the baby back when asked.

It All Comes To A Head

Everything came to a head around 10 pm one night. The grandmother was holding the baby when he started crying. The new mom asked her to hand him over so he could eat, but she refused. It went back and forth a few times (asking and refusing) until the husband chimed in.

He said that the new mom is being a “whiny little girl” who used feeding as an excuse to keep the baby away from his grandmother. At this point, the new mom was rightfully angry. The husband then told her that she needed to ask his mom “nicely” for the baby. The new mom stated, “This had me seething. I meanly told [her] to stop being annoying and overbearing and hand him over to me.” The grandmother only then handed over the baby, looking shocked and hurt, then ran to the guest room.

After the son finished comforting his mother, he entered the bedroom and started yelling at his wife. Ya know, the person who had a baby five weeks ago. He told her that she was disrespectful to his mother, that his mother gives the baby more “love” than she does, and that his mother did nothing wrong. He also told her that the baby isn’t an “object that she owns.” She responded that she’ll go stay with her own parents if his parents stay any longer. And he retorted that “she’s only acting up because she doesn’t want his parents around.”

The Red Flags

So, not only does the MIL not listen to or respect the new mom, but she also plays the victim when she doesn’t get her way. The husband is emotionally abusive, gaslighting, and prioritizes his mother’s wellbeing over his wife and new baby. Although we don’t know all the details, aside from what the poster stated, it seems as though there are also some definite control issues happening.

Refusing to let a mother feed her infant, not only puts the baby at risk, it puts the mother at risk for multiple complications. Postpartum depression or breastfeeding issues, like engorgement or mastitis are just a few. Plus, telling a brand new mother, who is dealing with out-of-whack hormones, adjusting to life with a new baby, and exhaustion, that they don’t “love” the baby as much as someone else is unsettling.

In the comments when someone suggested that the new mom go stay with her parents the poster replied that her husband “wouldn’t allow it.” Not “allowing” someone bodily autonomy is a huge red flag. There are so many problematic issues going on here. We truly hope the mom and new baby are able to get somewhere safe quickly. Resources are available for anyone experiencing physical or emotional abuse.

The top comment sums everything up nicely. “Pack your gear and take [the] baby to your parents. Rethink your relationship as well, who the hell speaks to their wife like that especially after having [a] baby. Protect your mental/physical health at all cost[s].”

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This one’s a doozy, guys. I’ve never seen a Reddit thread “locked because of excessive rule-breaking” but I guess there’s a first time for everything. It’s currently locked because people really felt the need to give the poster advice, and apparently, that’s against the rules. But, who could blame the commenters? There were so many red flags in her post, you’d think you were watching a sports-ball game. (I’m obviously really into sports analogies.)

In short, a woman and her husband are expecting their first child. They’ve been married for three years and have been together for five and they’re both in their late twenties. He works full time and although she used to work, her job wasn’t paying her enough and now she’s a full-time student.

They felt like they were ready to start a family and three weeks ago got a positive pregnancy test. What originally felt like wonderful news quickly turned bitter when the woman’s husband went on an unprovoked rant that included the quote, “You are still expected to cook, clean, and do all the chores every day because how can you be expected to be a mother if you can’t handle a little work.” Gross. And, it gets worse, guys, so buckle up.

The woman then turned to Reddit and asked if she was in the wrong for getting upset after her husband told her she was basically on her own for the duration of the pregnancy. Redditors’ didn’t hold back on what they thought, and you’ll probably have some opinions too.

The Turning Point

The couple was getting ready for bed one night. Like most couples, they have their “before bed routines” to finish before hopping in bed. Honestly, though, it sounds like only she has chores to do before bed. Her routine includes turning off all the lights in the house, and she stated that these are lights that he leaves on. However, this particular night she wasn’t feeling well (pregnant, remember?). Since she was ill, she asked her husband if he would go through the house and turn off the lights. But to her surprise, his response was a definite, “No.” Followed up with, “This is what is expected of you every night.” And, he just keeps winning husband-of-the-year awards. (First, red flag, for those keeping count!)

She decided to just do it since she “didn’t want to fight with him” but he apparently had other plans. When she returned to the bed he told her that things aren’t going to change just because she’s pregnant. The woman said that he wasn’t yelling, but was “talking to me quietly like I was two inches tall.”

After his lengthy rant, she eventually asked, “What are you going to do to help me with all of this?” And his response was typical toxic patriarchal bullsh*t. He said that he works to provide for her and their future children. And, obviously, that should be enough. He ended his monologue by telling her that her mental and physical health doesn’t matter. That it’s her job as a mother to push through, and that if he “babied” her that she wouldn’t be a “good mother.” (Whew, the freaking nerve of this guy.)

She responded to his sexist, gross, misogynistic rant with a simple, “I wish I would’ve known this is how you felt before I got pregnant with your baby.” And, cue the tears. He started crying and then left to go stay with his mother.  

Reddit’s Reaction

Redditors didn’t hold back in the comment section. Many gave the woman advice on what to do now that her husband had shown his true colors. So many pointed out that things would only get worse, and that these were red flags for more, escalated abuse.

They pointed out that should she choose to continue the pregnancy that he would be a nightmare to co-parent with, among other things. Here are a few comments from Redditors.

Redditor Comments

One user stated, “Since he openly admits that his only contribution to raising his child will be financial, it seems like [she] won’t be losing anything by leaving–apart from having one less child to look after.”

Another stated, “Jumping on to say that abuse generally is triggered with changes in a relationship… like having a kid. RUN. I’ve seen too many women endure abuse ‘for my family.’ This is not your family this is your abuser.”

And here’s my favorite comment that sums it up nicely. “You asked him to turn off the lights in the house and this was how he responded. How is he going to respond if you, I don’t know, stop making breakfast because the food smells trigger your morning sickness? What if you need to be put on bed rest halfway through your pregnancy? Or if you have PPD after giving birth? I could see him accusing you of faking it to get out of doing chores and giving you hell for it–or, worse, insisting you push through it because ‘it’s your job.’”

“This is 100 percent unacceptable behavior. Do you want your future child to see this and think this is how to treat a partner? Never mind the fact that they will absolutely pick up on his belief that you should be treated as a completely selfless servant who lives to cater to everyone else’s wants and needs, while no one ever attends to yours. Also, the fact that he literally went crying to his mother speaks volumes about his approach to parenting. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Let him stay at his mother’s. Permanently.”

The Family’s Reactions

Both his mother and sister have told the woman that she’s overreacting and that she’s “broken his heart,” because of what she said. They have insisted that she needs to apologize to him. They know what he said to her, and believe that “all he meant was pregnancy isn’t an excuse to be lazy.”

Her mother, on the other hand, is furious with him and doesn’t think the woman should speak to him without a witness. (Yay for mom!) After an edit to the original post, the poster said she is gathering some things together to go stay with her parents. She also said the commenters have “opened her eyes” to certain issues she may have ignored in the past.

After her edit, we are hopeful that she gets as far away from her (crosses fingers) soon-to-be-ex-husband and finishes her degree. We are confident that whatever she decides, as long as she stays away from him, she will be better off.

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Humans are complicated, chaotic creatures. So, it’s unsurprising that marriage—a contractual, legal binding of two such creatures—is perhaps the most complex human experience of all. On paper, the deal looks pretty good. But it rarely lives up to its original promise. 

Cohabitating with the same person for the rest of your life is bound to have some pitfalls. Sure, you promised to be with each other until death does you part. But that doesn’t mean you have to like them the whole time. 

Author Heather Havrilesky poses this idea in her book, Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage. She argues that hating your husband doesn’t necessarily mean you have a bad marriage. Nor does it have to be a red flag signaling the start of one. 

According to Havrilesky (and married women everywhere), hating your husband is more normal than you might think.

Marriage Requires Amnesia

Spousal tension is as American as apple pie. From the Bundys in Married… with Children to the Kramdens of The Honeymooners, the media has portrayed marriages as largely unhappy since the mid-20th century. Yet, when the New York Times featured Havrilesky’s essay, “Marriage Requires Amnesia,” the backlash was swift and fierce. 

“Do I hate my husband? Oh, for sure, yes, definitely,” Havrilesky wrote. “I don’t know anyone who’s been married more than seven years who flinches at this concept. A spouse is a blessing and a curse wrapped into one. How could it be otherwise?” 

Havrilesky described her husband in not-so-savory terms—at one point likening him to a dirty pile of laundry. But she also described him lovingly. Like the concept of marriage itself, her essay is full of nuance. 

“Marriage is a solution to several problems that creates infinite additional problems. Marriage can cure your loneliness or exacerbate it. Each week is a little different than the last,” Havrilesky wrote. “Love and hate are birds of a feather. I need you. Therefore, I hate you.”

Addressing The Backlash

One week after the New York Times published her essay, Havrilesky returned to her virtual soapbox, this time on Ask Polly, to clarify. The backlash she received showed readers were missing a crucial point. Havrilesky wasn’t advocating for the acceptance of hatred; she was advocating for the opposite.

“My book isn’t about how terrible my husband is,” Havrilesky wrote in her rebuttal. “It’s about how hard it is to be a conflicted mortal chained to another mortal. I’m promoting acceptance of your flawed self, which makes it possible to accept other people’s flaws and the deeply flawed universe outside your door.” 

Havrilesky’s book wasn’t suggesting that all marriages be miserable. Rather, she’s proposing we give ourselves the freedom to feel all the feelings. “Defending your right to feel irritation and impatience and random bouts of misdirected lust is the same thing as defending your right to feel joy.”

It’s within this space, Havrilesky argued, that we get to appreciate the beauty of marriage. “Noticing that you feel rage and hatred and longing and love… that’s what makes you feel more alive. That’s what allows you to not just tolerate, but enjoy bumps and falls [in your marriage].”

Hating your husband doesn’t mean you have a failed marriage or a bad spouse. In fact, it’s a sign that you’re paying attention.

Yep, You Can Hate Your Husband

Marriage can be a joyous, beautiful thing. But it can and often is taxing, unsavory, unpleasant, and riddled with conflict. To deny ourselves that reality is to deny a critical truth about relationships. These bonds are constantly in flux, just like us. 

Accepting this truth opens the door to having more meaningful long-term connections. We allow ourselves to see every part of our partner: the good, the bad, and the ugly. In turn, we allow them to see every part of us. 

This balancing act isn’t just for your husband’s benefit. It’s for yours, too. If we can see our partner’s flaws and weaknesses and still love them, then it stands to reason that we can be loved, too—flaws, weaknesses, and all. Accepting your husband makes accepting yourself a little bit easier. 

Of course, no two relationships are exactly alike. Moreover, this concept doesn’t negate the existence of abusive and unhealthy partnerships. But for otherwise healthy couples, the occasional bout of aversion is nothing to call the divorce lawyer about. 

It might seem counterintuitive at first, but accepting the hatred you feel might just be the thing you need to fall even deeper in love.

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Albert Einstein is known as one of the greatest minds of the 20th century. He is the literal poster boy of genius, and his theories are known all over the globe. What isn’t often talked about is Einstein’s private life, and there’s a good reason why.

Einstein’s professional reputation in the world of theoretical physics is second to none. But at home behind closed doors, he was an absolutely terrible husband. 

Albert Einstein Met Mileva Marić At University

Einstein met Mileva Marić in 1896 when they were both admitted to the physics-mathematics section of the Polytechnic Institute (now ETH) in Zurich, Switzerland. The fact that Marić was even at this school was a huge deal at the time, considering 19th-century college-level math and science programs weren’t exactly female-friendly.

Einstein and Marić were instantly drawn to one another, and they became inseparable. They would spend hours studying together. And some folks are convinced that Marić was just as much of a genius as Albert was–if not more so. Nobody has ever been able to credit Marić for any part of Einstein’s work, but there is substantial evidence that they collaborated.

In August 1899, Einstein wrote to Marić: “When I read Helmholtz for the first time, it seemed so odd that you were not at my side and today, this is not getting better. I find the work we do together very good, healing and also easier.”

He Got Her Pregnant, But Refused To Get Married

According to Scientific American, things abruptly changed for Marić when she got pregnant after a romantic getaway to Lake Como. Einstein was unemployed, so he refused to marry her. Marić would eventually give birth to a girl named Liserl in January 1902, but no one knows what happened to her due to a lack of records.

Meanwhile, Marić was forced to abandon her college studies because the professors purposely failed her. Every time she attempted to take the required oral exams for graduation, they refused to give her a passing grade.

They Got Married In 1903

After all of this drama, Einstein and Marić eventually tied the knot in January 1903. He worked full time at the patent office, while she took care of the home. At night, they would work together late into the evening.

Einstein and Marić eventually welcomed two sons—Hans-Albert and Eduard. And, according to his private letters, Einstein was still sending affectionate cards and letters to his wife up to 1911. But in 1912, everything started going downhill.

Albert Einstein Had An Affair With His Cousin

In 1912, Einstein started having an affair with his cousin—Elsa Löwenthal—while visiting family in Berlin. For the next two years, they corresponded in secret. In 1914, Einstein moved his wife and sons to Berlin when he landed a new faculty position. But the real reason for the move was to be close to Löwenthal.

This was the nail in the coffin for Einstein and Marić’s marriage. He didn’t want to be with her any longer.  But, for the sake of their children, Einstein told his wife they should keep up appearances and stay together. However, she had to agree to some conditions.

Albert Einstein Was A Terrible Husband

Here’s where the story goes off the rails. In the book Einstein: His Life and Universe, the list of Einstein’s conditions that he gave to Marić was revealed. While the list is just next-level insanity, the fact that Marić accepted them is simply mind-blowing. The conditions were:

1. That my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
2. That I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. That my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.
4. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:
5. My sitting at home with you;
6. My going out or traveling with you.
7. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
8. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
9. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
10. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.
11. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

This arrangement only lasted a few months. Marić eventually left Einstein and moved with the children to Zurich. After living apart for five years, Einstein and Marić divorced in 1919–with a clause stating that if he ever received the Nobel Prize, she would get the money (but that’s a whole other story).

Later that year, Einstein married his cousin. Even though he repeatedly cheated on her and made no effort to hide it, they remained married until her death in 1936.

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I was never good at dating. As a serial monogamist, I’ve “dated” a handful of people, and went on to marry my best match. I realize not everyone is so lucky, and dating is difficult. Plus, the world of online dating can be super overwhelming. Many dating apps tend to cater to a younger crowd (think Tinder), but there is a whole world of online dating for a more mature audience.

As someone who is approaching forty quickly, I often think of the classic meme, “I’m almost forty, but I still feel like I’m 20 until I hang out with some 20-year-olds. Then, I’m like ‘no, never mind, I’m 40.’” The same could be said for dating sites. Although, if you’re down for a “chill hangout” or whatever the kids are doing these days, Tinder or Zoosk could be your scene.

But, if you’re looking for someone that you may have more in common with and can hold a conversation with, the sites below are more likely to help you find a partner. (No guarantees!) I mean, if Carrie Bradshaw has taken on the world of online dating on And Just Like That… it’s probably worth a shot. Right?

Whether you are divorced, widowed (condolences, Carrie B.!), or just still looking for the right person to come along, it may be your time to take the plunge. Read ahead for pros and cons for the best dating apps for women over 40.

Bumble

Pros:

• It’s an app that empowers women in their dating life. In an attempt to level the playing field, it’s up to the women to start the conversation (in hetero matches).
• There is an option to see only Verified users, to weed out the possiblities of catfish.
• Although it’s a free app, you can optimize your filters and searches with Bumble Boost and Bumble Premium.

Cons:

• If you match with someone, you only have 24 hours to message them, before you are “unmatched.”
• The app doens’t specifically cater to an older crowd, and anyone above 18 can sign up. However, you can set your filters for specific age ranges. Keep in mind that only people with your age range will see your profile as well.

Elite Singles

Pros:

• The website states that 85% of users have “an above average education.” These are people more apt to be in a professional career, successful, and not living in their parent’s basements. (Fingers crossed!)
• The basic membership option is free and allows you to try out the basic features.
• The Premium membership has more features and uses a staggered subscription which costs less with longer memberships.

Cons:

• To get more out of the app, a paid subscription is likely the way to go.
• On the free version, you won’t be able to view photos and messaging will be restricted. The Mobile App is also only available to Premium users.

Hinge

Pros:

• It uses a Nobel-Prize-winning algorithm to ensure more quality dates.
• The profiles are detailed. With just the free version you are able to add up to six pictures and answer three prompts.
• The app is transparent with no hidden or anonymous likes.

Cons:

• Finding six good quality pictures of yourself to add to your profile could be a mission. I know, because I needed one for my byline and couldn’t find one decent picture. If you have an incomplete profile you won’t be able to send “likes.”
• You’ll have to put in more of an effort to match with someone than just a swipe. Filtering through profiles, sending likes, matching, and messaging could take a lot of time, but ultimately could be worth it!

In the end, there is no one-size-fits-all dating app. And unfortunately, like dating itself, sometimes you won’t strike gold on your first download. But don’t give up! The right app, and ultimately the right relationship, could be just one click away.

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While technology, dating apps, and the internet have certainly made some things about dating easier, it’s made many things more difficult, too. Constant access to everyone and everything can put a strain on communication, which probably has a lot to do with how ghosting became a full-blown dating epidemic.

Ghosting is when someone you’re seeing stops communication with you without formally ending things or explaining why. This can take many different shapes. Some ghosts will slowly start to give shorter and shorter responses until reaching out to them no longer feels worth it. And, some will just vanish into thin air—ceasing to respond or get in touch with you entirely. 

What To Do When A Ghoster Returns

As if getting ghosted isn’t traumatic enough, ghosters are rarely gone forever. Just when you think you’ll never hear from the guy who ghosted you again, he always seems to pop back up—sometimes even years later. What do you do when the guy who ghosted you comes back to haunt you?

1. Remember How It Felt To Get Ghosted

Regardless of how you may feel about the person who ghosted you, it can be overwhelming to hear from them again. Think about how it felt when you first realized you were being ghosted. You may have been shocked because you felt things were going well. Maybe you felt heartbroken. Or, maybe you didn’t even care much about losing this person, but it hurt your self-esteem. Identify how you really felt when this happened, it will affect whether or not you want to engage with him again.

2. Identify What You Want

Once you’ve identified how you felt when you were ghosted, think about what you want moving forward. You might simply want closure. Maybe you want to put an end to this chapter. Or, maybe you want to hear your ghost out and potentially give them another chance. Figuring out what you want will make your next step clearer.

3. Embrace The Moment

One of the most difficult parts of getting ghosted is losing control over the situation. Relationships should have a healthy balance of power, and ghosting removes that. Losing control can cause anxiety, confusion, and even panic. When your ghost reaches out to you, they’re returning the control. Keep this in mind if you start feeling overwhelmed by what to do next or tempted to rush to respond. Take your time, and enjoy the fact that the next move is entirely up to you.

4. Give It Some Time

If you’ve decided that you want to have a conversation with your ghost, you may feel pressure to get back to him right away. There’s nothing wrong with giving it a few days and getting yourself to a place where you feel ready and confident in your decision. Plus, giving him time to enjoy a taste of his own medicine might help him realize that ghosting is not okay.

5. *Crickets*

If you’ve decided that you don’t need anything from your ghost, you don’t have to respond. Responding in any way opens the door for further communication. If you’re over it, there’s no need to complicate things. Don’t give them the satisfaction of accomplishing what they set out to do: hear from you. Not only will they get the point, but it feels so good to imagine them waiting for a response.

6. Hit The Block Button

Not responding puts a halt to the potential conversation, but there’s always a chance of a double text, and it could leave you wondering what might happen next. Blocking him puts a definite end to the conversation and will get him out of sight and out of mind.

7. Unfollow

If you decide to exorcise your ghost once and for all, it’s a good idea to proceed by unfollowing him. Your ghost isn’t as important as he seems; he’s really just some guy. Constantly seeing him on your Twitter feed makes him seem like a bigger deal than he is. If you choose to end the relationship, getting him out of your social media feeds will make it much easier to move on. (And, yes. This means no checking his tagged Instagram photos, either). That’s the ultimate trick to ghost-busting.

8. Call Him Out

There are a few reasons why you may want to respond to your ghost. One reason to respond is to end things formally. He should’ve ended things by being clear and communicative. Now, you have the opportunity to do so. You can tell him it’s over while giving both of you closure.

Another reason to respond is to call him out: Ghosts shouldn’t be able to get away with what they did. Whether you intend to rekindle your romance or kick him to the curb, it’s helpful and cathartic to make him acknowledge what he did instead of treating it like the elephant in the room.

9. Give Him The Benefit Of The Doubt

Let’s face it: dating is hard as it is, but the events in the world over the past few years have made it even harder to connect with others. If you really missed your ghost and find yourself more excited than upset to hear from him, it could be worth hearing him out. Make it clear that his ghosting hurt, but give him a chance to explain his reasons and you may find that things work out for the best.

10. Take Care Of You!

In modern dating, society has made many of us feel that being clear about our needs for commitment or respect makes us needy or overbearing. It doesn’t. It’s normal to have needs. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re asking too much by expecting basic communication.

According to the Pew Research Foundation women and men view their contributions to household chores differently. According to the Foundation’s website, “A majority of women (59%) say they do more household chores than their spouse or partner. While 6% say their spouse or partner does more. Among men, a plurality (46%) say these responsibilities are shared about equally. While 20% say they do more and 34% say their spouse or partner does more.”

This breakdown can, of course, lead to arguments, discontent, and even possible grounds for divorce. Particularly when (typically) men use weaponized incompetence to get out of their share of the work.

But, there are a few things that can help. Aside from hiring a housekeeper, and attending therapy (which we recommend), there are a few household appliances that could help lessen the load.

Welcome To The Future

Okay, so robot vacuums aren’t exactly new or futuristic, but doesn’t it seem like they should be? We can’t help but think we’re living like The Jetsons with our smartwatches, Alexas, and robotic vacuums, but I digress.

These helpful gadgets have improved so much since the first robot vacuum came out in 2002. Plus, robot mops debuted in 2013 and our lives were never the same. (And, DJ Roomba from Parks and Rec definitely holds a special place in our hearts.)

If you’ve been considering buying a robot vacuum and/or mop, there’s no better time than the present. They’ll not only take away some of the workload, but they may even help improve your relationship.

iRobot® Roomba® 694 Wi-Fi® Connected Robot Vacuum

The ingenious iRobot Roomba 694 Wi-Fi Connected Robot Vacuum can be used on both hard floors and carpets and will get into all the nooks and crannies of any room. Compatible with Alexa and Google Assistant, you can control the robot with your voice, an app, or a routine schedule. It will even let you know when the pollen count is high in your area or when it’s pet shedding season and will suggest custom cleaning sessions.

A reviewer stated, “This little workhorse is my favorite, it took minutes to charge and was cleaning my floors like a champ. Pushing-a-heavy-vacuum days are over, I now spend my time doing the things I enjoy. Thank you Roomba, keep up the good work.” ($249.99, Bed, Bath, and Beyond).

iRobot® Braava™ 380t Robot Mop

The iRobot Braava 380t Robot Mop will work on all hard-surface floors including hardwood, tile, vinyl, and laminate. Choose mode “sweep” or “mop” and let it do its thing. The reusable microfiber cleaning cloths will pick up dust, dirt, and pet hair in one pass. The NorthStar® Navigation Cube helps navigate multiple rooms, large spaces, and helps prevent falls from stairs and other drop-offs.

“My iRobot gives me [the] freedom to do all the things I’d rather be doing than dusting and mopping tile floors. I have a cat and fur accumulates fast. I use the Braava every few days and it is a huge time-saver. I call it life-changing because it’s a smart use of technology for tedious household chores,” shared one Bed, Bath, and Beyond customer. ($254.99, Bed, Bath, and Beyond).

bObi Pet Robotic Vacuum Cleaner in Silver

For pet parents, the bObi Pet Robotic Vacuum is the only way to go. While it weighs in at only 6.89 pounds, don’t let its small body fool you. It’ll sweep, mop, and vacuum up all the pet dander and hair your pets can produce. The robotic vacuum cleaner will even dock itself back into the charging station when the battery goes below 15%.

One happy customer wrote, “I got my vacuum about a month ago and I absolutely love it!!! I have two dogs and a cat that shed like crazy!!!! I had vacuumed my living room floor the day before I ran Bobi and you wouldn’t believe the hair it got up!! I have run my Bobi every day since I got it–sometimes twice! Great investment!” ($350.99, Bed, Bath, and Beyond)

Shark ION Robot® RV772 Vacuum

The Shark ION Robot Vacuum comes complete with side brushes, channel brushes, and a multi-surface brush roll that will clean carpets, rugs, and hard-flooring with ease. The sensors avoid damaging furniture or walls and potential falls from ledges and stairs.

“I love having a robot vacuum! This one is very efficient, light, and easy to control with my phone. I truly wish I had bought it sooner!” stated a reviewer. ($279.99, Bed, Bath, and Beyond)

Eye-Vac® Professional Stationary Touchless Vacuum

While vacuums that roam freely are fascinating, they aren’t for everyone. That’s where the Eye-Vac Touchless Vacuum comes in. It’s great if you have small children, pets, or mobility issues, as it doesn’t move around your home. You bring the mess to it. Just sweep the dust, dirt, and hair to the base of the canister and the sensors will suction the mess into the canister.

“I had seen one of these Eye-Vac’s at my hairdresser’s & saw her sweep customer’s hair from the floor into the machine & was really impressed. I ordered mine online & absolutely love the simplicity & ease of use that this machine offers. Just wish I had known about & purchased one years ago,” shared a customer. ($164.99, Bed, Bath, and Beyond).

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Buying a man a Valentine’s Day gift is hard, plain and simple. It seems like most Valentine’s Day gifts are either frilly and feminine or alarmingly, aggressively masculine. 

Your man sits somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. So, why is it so hard to find a gift that does the same?

When in doubt, it might be helpful to look at the stars. Your man’s Zodiac sign could be just the inspiration you needed to find that perfect gift.

Aries: Bold & Competitive-Customized Cornhole Set

$229.99 Shop Now

Your Aries man loves a good competition. He’s bold, daring, and unafraid of confrontation. Sure, cornhole doesn’t sound like the bravest game in the world. Still, a custom cornhole game will help him stretch his competitive muscles year-round.

This cornhole set is perfect for the backyard, patio, big parties, or casual summer hangs. Rest assured that you’ll get just as much use out of this family-friendly gift as he will.

Taurus: Creature Of Comfort–Plush Turkish Bathrobe

$59.95+ Shop Now

Taurus loves all things comfortable. They’re natural homebodies with a taste for the luxurious. This Valentine’s Day, get them something to elevate their at-home experience. This plush Turkish robe is machine washable and unbelievably soft. 

Thanks to its long length and cozy material, he’ll want to wear this luxurious robe year-round. You know all he really wants is a nap; this gift just makes his nap ten times better.

Gemini: A Social Butterfly–Custom Docking Station

$36.65 Shop Now

Help your Gemini man stay organized and up-to-date with a desktop docking station. The personalized wooden stand has space to charge his phone, hold his wallet and keys, and even hang his watches. It’s the perfect gift for a man constantly on (or near) his phone.

For even faster shipping, you can also skip the personalization option. And really, the docking station doesn’t need anything else; the gorgeous finish of the brown or mahogany wood speaks for itself.

Cancer: Moody Romantic–Custom Vinyl Print

$44.99+ Shop Now

Cancer men are deeply in tune with their emotions. They’re usually more romantic than most, which means sentimental gifts are a great option. Gift your man with a custom vinyl print of his favorite song. Better yet, use a song that holds significance for both of you. 

He’ll be touched by your thoughtful gesture, and the print’s versatile color scheme will look great in any room of the house—a win-win.

Leo: Proud & Pampered–At-Home Spa Kit

$54.90 Shop Now

Your Leo man is proud and regal, so why not give him a gift that helps celebrate that fact? Whether he’s a self-care pro or a pampering newbie, your Leo man will love this self-care spa kit. The kit includes aftershave, soaps, salves, steamers, lip balms, and more. It’s also available with or without gift wrap (as a fellow Leo myself, I recommend the gift wrap). 

At under $65, this self-care bundle is an absolute steal. He’ll be using these 100% natural, cruelty-free products long after Valentine’s Day is over.

Virgo: Tedious & Tidy–Zippered Leather Portfolio

$53.60+ Shop Now

Virgos are the go-getters of the Zodiac. If you want to get him a gift that he’ll actually want to use, then go with a zippered leather portfolio. The vegan leather is sturdy and water-resistant, which means your Virgo boo can take this portfolio with him everywhere. Consider it a sketchbook, planner, to-do list organizer, or all three.

Additionally, you can opt to have several design options engraved into the leather. The customization adds a personal touch because it is Valentine’s Day, after all.

Libra: The Philosopher–Framed Sisyphus Print

$52.95+ Shop Now

Libras are constantly battling between what life is and what life should be. These philosophical types are dedicated to studying morals and ethos. They ponder life’s mysteries from a humanitarian perspective. So, get your Libra love something that helps him take things back to basics. 

A framed Sisyphus print reminds the viewer that life is chaotic and often absurd. To try to make it anything but chaotic and absurd is futile. This print might not be as effective as world peace, but that’s not available on Etsy yet.

Scorpio: Odd & Unusual–Black Agate Slice Air Planter

$25+ Shop Now

Your Scorpio man is anything but ordinary, so why would you get him a regular gift? Scorpios love odd, unusual, and unique things. This agate air planter is exactly the type of organic curiosity your Scorpio man will enjoy. 

This beautiful agate slice and air planter can fit on his desk, nightstand, or windowsill. There’s something mysterious and intriguing about it–just like your Scorpio sweetie.

Sagittarius: The Self-Improver–Turquoise Cufflinks

$29.99 Shop Now

Sagittarius is always trying to improve themselves. They live their lives as a series of goals: plan, execute, succeed, repeat. This Valentine’s Day, get your Sag something to take with him all the way to the top. These raw turquoise cufflinks are as exceptional as he is. 

The distinct blue of the raw turquoise adds a pop of color without being too flashy. Meanwhile, the unique shape of the uncut stones keeps the cufflinks from being too stuffy or formal.

Capricorn: The Workaholic–Bamboo Tea & Coffee Thermos

$22.99+ Shop Now

Capricorn men put the work in workaholic. Indeed, these celestial go-getters are obsessed with achievement. They pride themselves on their ability to handle stress. Do they do this with copious amounts of tea and coffee? Sure, but it gets the job done. And you can help by getting him this bamboo tea and coffee thermos.

The 500 mL bamboo tumbler comes with a strainer, cover, and cap. So, whether he prefers black coffee or black tea, he’ll get lots of use out of this reusable thermos.

Aquarius: Distinctly Unique–Heng Balance Lamp

$69.99 Shop Now

Your Aquarius is unlike anyone else you’ve ever met. Their zest for life and curious outlook is inspiring. Yet, it can be difficult to find the right gift for someone so eccentric and unique. Get your one-of-a-kind boo a gift to match, like the original Heng Balance Lamp from Levina Co.

This eye-catching lamp uses a unique magnetic switch design. It provides ambient lighting in an ergonomic, lightweight frame. It won’t be quite as remarkable as your Aquarius himself. But then again, nothing is.

Pisces: The Sentimental Sap–”Little Book Of Us” Memory Notebook

$13.95 Shop Now

Pisces is the hopeless romantic of the Zodiac. As such, they tend to appreciate sentimental gifts more than other signs might. If you’re looking to make your Pisces swoon, then a personalized Little Book Of Us is a great place to start. This gift is as simple as it is easy to make.

The 16-page A5 notebook has space to share memories, trivia, or your favorite things about your partner. Add drawings and photos, or keep it simple. Either way, your Pisces man is going to love it.

For a holiday that’s supposed to be all about love, Valentine’s Day is certainly one of the most stressful. Finding that perfect gift for your romantic and platonic Valentines can seem next to impossible. 

How do you find a gift that accurately represents an abstract feeling? Would they really be happy with just a box of chocolates? Is the only alternative a diamond tennis bracelet?

The answer to those last two questions is: nope. Skip the overdone V-Day gifts and get your honey something she’ll actually love.

Birthstone Candle

$9.99+ Shop Now

Contrary to popular opinion, birthstone gifts aren’t just for birthdays. This handmade birthstone candle is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. The candle is full of gems, crystals, and herbs specifically tailored to her birth month. 

It’s romantic, sentimental, and personal. Moreover, this candle is equally suitable for romantic and platonic giftees. What more could you ask for with a Valentine’s Day gift?

Under These Stars Print

$28+ Shop Now

You might not be able to lasso the moon for your sweetheart, but you can still gift her with stars. This customizable print includes a sky and city map. So, you can capture exact moments in space and time with ease. 

Which moments, exactly? This print’s possibilities are endless. Stick with the classics: anniversaries, wedding dates, birth dates. Or, surprise her with an unexpected anniversary, like the place where you first said, ‘I love you.’

Cashmere Open Cardigan

$130 Shop Now

This year, give her the gift of all-day comfort. Velanio Cashmere’s knee-length open cardigan is the essence of cozy: soft, warm, and roomy. It’s like you’re buying her a giant hug that she’ll still be able to feel after you leave for work.

This cuddly cardigan is an absolute must if your sweetie works from home. Trust me; she won’t want to wear anything else while working long hours at her desk.

Dried Flower Earrings

$16 Shop Now

The flowers you buy her on Valentine’s Day will be dead in two weeks. Why not get her a floral gift that lasts forever? With these dried flower earrings, she’ll be able to enjoy a colorful bouquet year-round. 

The Esther Rose Collection uses real dried flowers. So, your boo’s gift will also be one-of-a-kind. No other earrings will be quite like hers, just like she isn’t quite like anybody else.

2-in-1 Bamboo Caddy

$85.83 Shop Now

If you really want to win on Valentine’s Day, buy her this ultra-versatile caddy and use it. Don’t just wrap up the box and call it a day. Instead, load the tray with her favorite foods and surprise her with breakfast in bed. Or deep clean the bathroom, so it’s ready for her to soak in the tub. 

The bamboo tray features adjustable, no-slip arms, and foldable legs. It also has spaces to hold glasses, candles, cups, and smartphones. She’ll love it, and you can thank us later.

Organic At-Home Spa Kit

$43.20 Shop Now

Speaking of pampering, you can take your bathtub caddy gift one step further with an at-home spa set. After all, you might as well give her some products to use while she’s soaking, right? Every product in this deluxe set is organic, rejuvenating, and primarily plant-based. 

This at-home spa set includes serum, face masks, incense, crystals, and a jade roller. If you were wondering if you could buy all of that anywhere else for under $50, you can’t.

Wood Print Polaroids

$25 Shop Now

When all else fails, it helps to say it with a picture. Photographs make the ideal Valentine’s Day gift. Depending on the photo, it can make a gift extra romantic, sentimental, or downright hilarious. It’s a deeply personal gift that’s sure to make them swoon. 

However, standard frames can be boring–especially if she already has many pictures displayed. Get her a gift of photos unlike any she already has with these wooden polaroid print sets.

Luxury Vanity Organizer

$69.99 Shop Now

Your partner works hard to make sure your life is as easy and organized as possible. Return the favor this Valentine’s Day with a vanity organizer. This understated piece is roomy enough to store full-size products while small enough to fit in cramped spaces. 

Whether for a bathroom, nightstand, or office desk, your sweetie will think of you every time she notices how de-cluttered and tidy her space is. All that extra bathroom counter space? Well, that’s just a little bonus for you to enjoy.

Personalized Leather Journal

$31.71 Shop Now

A well-made leather journal is worth its weight in gold. Refillable journals like these from Left Coast Original are even better. They make excellent, versatile gifts for any giftee. Consider it a sketchpad, recipe book, to-do list organizer, or all three. 

The hand-rubbed leather will develop a gorgeous patina over time. In addition to its fast shipping and refillable paper options, this truly is a gift that keeps on giving.

100% Mulberry Silk Pillowcase

$34.99 Shop Now

Silk pillowcases are a small investment that will help your honey feel like royalty. Not only are silk pillows soft, cool, and durable, they also nourish the skin and hair with 18 amino acids while you sleep. This 100% mulberry silk pillow will pay itself back in no time. 

Match any color scheme effortlessly with four available colors: white, gray, black, and rose. Your honey’s hair will be tangle-free, her skin will be moisturized, and you both will be happy you chose this pillow over (yet another) Wilton sampler.

Finding the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for her can seem impossible. Whether you’re shopping for a romantic or platonic certain someone, everything can seem boring or overdone.

Wading through hundreds of so-so gift options can be overwhelming. If your gift searches are coming up short, then try looking up. 

Humans have been using the stars to find reason within madness for millennia. It stands to reason that it can also help you find her the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. 

Here are the best Valentine’s Day gifts for her based on her Zodiac sign.

Aries: Fierce & Competitive–HBIC Desk Name Plate

$21.99 Shop Now

As the first sign of the Zodiac, Aries is used to being in charge. So, get her a gift that reflects her natural leadership skills with an HBIC Desk Plate. With multiple color options, this tongue-in-cheek decor looks great on desks, drawers, and more. 

No matter where it ends up, your Aries will love her daily reminder that she is, indeed, the head b*tch in charge.

Taurus: Soft & Cozy–Pocketed Sherpa Cardigan

$34.50 Shop Now

Give your Taurus homebody the gift that keeps on giving: a decadently oversized sherpa jacket. The ultra-soft sherpa wool is unbelievably soft and cozy, two of her favorite clothing adjectives. This cardigan also features ribbed trim cuffs and pockets to keep her hands free or warm. 

Taurus is all about comfort. I can’t guarantee they’ll ever want to leave the house after getting this gift, but she will definitely love it.

Gemini: Social Butterfly–LED Desktop Ring Light

$37.61 Shop Now

Help your beloved Gemini put her best face forward with a portable ring light. She can use the 8-inch LED ring light on her smartphone or laptop. Whether on a work call, vlogging, or mastering the latest TikTok trend, she’ll get lots of use out of this versatile gift. 

The ring light boasts a super easy set-up, dimming control, and multiple color settings. Honestly, you might want to go ahead and buy yourself one while you’re at it.

Cancer: Moody Romance–Moon Lamp

$14.40+ Shop Now

The moon rules the Cancer in your life, so why not buy her a gift that celebrates that? This dreamy moon lamp will help your Cancer tune in to her lunar energy. The glowing orb rests on a small, wooden pedestal, making this a great addition to nightstands, vanities, and desks.

The moon lamp comes in four different sizes. Additionally, a remote is included with the two larger models for extra color and light settings.

Leo: Drama & Flair–Abstract Statement Earrings

$10 Shop Now

Leo naturally demands the room’s attention. Still, you can help her get even more va-va-voom factor with a pair of eye-catching statement earrings. These abstract sunburst earrings from The Silver Lunar are like a blast of magnetic sunlight, just like your Leo. 

These earrings are also incredibly light. And considering how Leo prefers to slay all day, long-wear capabilities are a must.

Virgo: The Worker Bee–Handmade Leather Portfolio

$119.99+ Shop Now

Virgo doesn’t usually take help; they give it. If you want to get them a gift they’ll really love, then get them something that will help them continue to be a Grade A boss. A leather portfolio is a perfect gift for a detail-oriented and hard-working Virgo. 

The Leather Warehouse offers six different colors, including tan and coffee brown. Personalize the portfolio with a name or initials. Conversely, you can keep it simple and sleek. Your Virgo will certainly love it either way.

Libra: Kind & Fair–Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Collar Art

$26 Shop Now

For the humanitarian Libras in your life, consider an inspirational RBG print. The minimalist print features five of the late Justice’s collars, including her famous “I Dissent” collar. Libras will love the subtle reminder to fight for justice, fairness, and equality. 

Because when you get down to it, that’s all a Libra ever wants. But since “world peace” isn’t quite as easy to buy on Etsy, this RBG print will have to do.

Scorpio: Odd & Unusual–7 Chakra Gemstone Necklace

$39.99+ Shop Now

Scorpios tend to live in life’s more mysterious corners. They are naturally attracted to the occult, supernatural, and subconscious. For this reason, Scorpios make some of the best giftees. They love odd, unusual, and unique things, like this crystal chakra necklace. 

This necklace combines the metaphysical and internal, two of Scorpio’s favorite subjects. The seven chakra stones will keep her centered and help her manifest her dreams as powerfully as possible.

Sagittarius: The Self-Improver–Retro Style Ultrasonic Diffuser

$55 Shop Now

Your Sagittarius is constantly trying to improve themselves. So, this Valentine’s Day, give them something that will help them along their self-improvement journey. A retro ultrasonic oil diffuser is the perfect blend of holistic, trendy, and functional. 

This eye-catching diffuser holds 500 mL of aromatic oils. Depending on your Sag’s needs, they can use the diffuser to relax, focus, or heal. Indeed, they usually know what’s best; this diffuser will just help them get there more quickly.

Capricorn: The Workaholic–Relaxation Spa Set

$59+ Check Price

The Capricorn in your life is probably stressed out. They also probably won’t tell you that. Rather than wait for them to admit to being overworked (read: they won’t), get them the spa gift set they didn’t ask for but desperately need. 

ComfortSense’s ultra-relaxation kit includes bath bombs, lip balms, face towels, body scrubs, body oil, and more. The kit comes in three calming scents: lavender, vanilla, and eucalyptus mint.

Aquarius: Distinctly Unique–Printable Set of Yoga Mandalas

$22.71 Shop Now

It can be challenging to find a gift as unique as an Aquarius, but these printable mandalas come close. Print Punk Studio offers six brightly colored mandalas available for digital download. Choose between a couple, or get all six for an abstract gallery wall. 

The framing possibilities are virtually endless because you’re buying a digital download and not an actual print. That’s a good thing, too, because Aquarius’s taste is nothing if not hard to pin down.

Pisces: Sentimental Sap–Wooden Heart Photo Album

$21.99 Shop Now

Venus might not rule Pisces, but Valentine’s Day is one of its favorite holidays. This romantic sign loves all things sappy. Indeed, the best gift for a Pisces is a sentimental one. A photo album of pictures and memories is the perfect gift for sentimental Pisces. 

This brown woodland photo album has 14 black pages and one red page. To really make the gift special, swap some photo spaces for index cards with written memories, lyrics, and inside jokes. Your Pisces will be swooning until next February.

Nothing kills the mood quite like shopping for him for Valentine’s Day. Every gift seems overdone, underwhelming, or just not to his taste. As a result, the weeks leading up to V-Day are full of frantic Googling and brainstorming. 

This year, skip the endless Google search and don’t settle for a pair of socks. Spoil your sweetie with a gift he’ll actually love (and might even use every single day).

Custom Whiskey Label

Buying booze can seem impersonal for a romantic partner, but it doesn’t have to be. Some men like to keep it simple. If a bottle of booze is all your boo wants, there are plenty of ways to keep it romantic. One perfect example is a customized Woodford Reserve label. 

The custom labels come in pint, fifth, and half-gallon sizes. Orders ship in one to three business days, making it the ideal last-minute Valentine’s Day gift for him. Cheers to quick thinking!

Wooden Docking Station

Working from home has made optimizing desk space more important than ever. If your hubby’s desk doubles as a dining room table or craft space, then give him a gift to de-clutter. A wooden docking station is as functional as it is thoughtful, and your man will love it. 

This docking station features a dedicated phone charging space and ample room to store keys, glasses, and more. The extra space it clears off of your dining room table is just a bonus.

Personalized Wallet

Your man never leaves the house without his wallet and keys. So, why not give him a wallet worth toting every day? Add photos or text to this custom leather wallet from KSF Leather Craft. The full-grain leather is soft and durable. Over time, it develops a beautiful, natural patina. 

This wallet is also incredibly functional, featuring 12 card slots and a triple fold. With endless customization possibilities and three available colors, you can tailor this wallet to suit your man’s tastes perfectly.

Customized Map Prints

You’d follow your boo to the ends of the earth. But have you stopped to think about where all you’ve already been? If your partner has lived in or has allegiances to multiple cities, then this set of three city maps is the perfect addition to his living space. 

Keep it personal with his hometown, college city, and current location. You could also add some romance by including where you met or got married. These versatile prints come in six different sizes, ensuring they look fantastic in whichever room he chooses.

Star Wars Glassware

Surprise your Star Wars-loving honey with custom Luke and Leia glassware. The wine and shot glasses feature the two characters’ silhouettes and their famous “I love you, I know” exchange. In addition, you can customize the shot glasses with your and your partner’s names. 

A sci-fi twist on his-and-hers glassware, these glasses will go great with Valentine’s Day dinner. It also goes without saying that these will be your official glasses for any and all Star Wars marathons moving forward.

Leather Weekender Bag

Whether he’s on the go or eagerly awaiting the next vacation, your man will love this luxury weekender bag. Texas’s Luxe Range makes these spacious bags with premium quality leather. While this high-end gift is great on its own, you have the option to add custom initials or names.

This weekender bag has two strap sizes, durable rivets, and a shoe compartment for extra convenience. Romantic getaways aren’t included with the purchase of a bag, but they’re definitely encouraged.

Craftsman Soap Co. Beard Care Kit

Who knew how addicting growing out a beard would be? You certainly didn’t, and neither did your hubby. Contrary to popular belief, there’s a lot more that goes into maintaining a beard than simply “not cutting it.” Help your hubby keep his face fresh with an all-natural beard care kit. 

Craftsman Soap Company’s beard kit comes with a bar of soap, beard oil, and a beard care leaflet. Choose from an array of delicious scents, including cedar eucalyptus and campfire. You’re going to be the one nuzzling into it, so you pick your favorite.

Bullet Flower Cufflinks

Finding unique men’s fashion can be difficult. It seems like the general consensus is that every man likes the same, minimally rugged aesthetic. But you know your man is one in a million, so why not buy him cufflinks that reflect that? 

These bullet flower cufflinks are an eccentric combination of masculine, unique, and artistic. The floral design of the expanded bullets is the ideal balance of subtle and bold. Besides, who needs ten pairs of identical cufflinks anyway?

Luxury Poker Set

Elevate his game with a luxury poker set from Sofias Findings. Customize this rosewood box set with either 100 or 300 chips and a custom laser engraving. The set comes with your specified number of chips, two card decks, and dice. 

Both the box and the chips themselves feel heavy and of high quality. I’m not saying this set will make him win his poker tournament with the guys, but it certainly won’t hurt. Either way, he’ll be the lucky one for having received this gift.

Minimalist Couple And Pet Portrait

His two greatest loves are you and his dog. So, why not get him a gift that celebrates both? This minimalist couple’s portrait is fun, sentimental, and versatile. Portraits by Marte can illustrate all types of pets, from dogs to cats to rabbits. This gift is a great way to memorialize your love and pets past and present. 

Moreover, you pay for the digital file, not a shipped print. Not only does this mean shipping times are faster. It also means you have virtually unlimited possibilities on how to use your portrait. Now that’s a win-win-win.

No relationship is a walk in the park 100% of the time. Humans are complicated creatures. As such, our relationships can get messy. 

When a bond takes a turn for the worse, it can be hard to see the bigger picture. Our feelings cloud our judgments. This makes us blind to what is in front of us. 

On the one hand, chronic stress can make us lose sight of the positive. On the other hand, our emotions can make us overlook abuse. 

Toxic behaviors are a side effect of being human. But when left unchecked, these can develop into more significant problems. 

Not all unhappy relationships are abusive. Nor do all abusive ones appear unhappy. Here’s how to tell whether you’re dealing with unhealthy toxicity or abuse.

1. Different Opinion Or Gaslighting?

A disagreement alone is not a sign of abuse. We navigate our lives through the limited scope of our own perception. So, it’s plausible that two people would have differing opinions.

In a healthy bond, both parties can express their thoughts safely. Even if the parties disagree, they can hear the other side without feeling attacked.

The relationship crosses into abuse when one partner gaslights the other. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic in which one person tries to make the other question their reality.

For example, “that’s not how I felt about it” is healthy. However, gaslighting sounds like, “you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

We all can gaslight whether or not we realize it. To avoid gaslighting on accident, use “I” statements that focus on you, not on them.

2. Negative Nancy Or A Bully?

All of us are prone to bouts of negativity. According to Evolution Counseling, some people use negativity as a defense mechanism.

“Negativity is the expression of stagnation and despair, which are the forerunners of the depression apocalypse. Projecting negativity is… a strategy to try to keep depression at bay,” counselor Michael Schreiner wrote.

Constant negativity is unpleasant to hear, yes. But it could be a sign that someone is struggling. It might be hard to be around them. Still, negativity alone does not make an abuser.

Red flags arise when that negativity is pointed at a partner. Belittling a partner is a form of mental abuse. Watch for totalistic negative statements like, “you never do anything right.”

Both vague and direct negativity is worth addressing. But be sure to separate the causes of the two. The former can indicate their poor mental health. The latter could cause your mental health to decline.

3. Insecure Or Accusatory?

Similarly, trust issues can wobble between unhealthy and abusive. The difference lies in how the insecure party reacts and moves on.

We learn from experience. If someone has had multiple partners cheat on them, then they might have trust issues. People with low self-esteem are also prone to jealousy. While jealousy is natural (and complicated) it also indicates a desire to stay committed. If you didn’t care, then you probably wouldn’t get jealous.

However, jealousy becomes unhealthy when it’s used to control. Harmful insecurity looks like one party trying to control another’s actions. It can also manifest as a lack of privacy and respect.

Your partner feeling a little insecure when you talked to that stunner at Starbucks yesterday is normal. Your partner forbidding you from returning to said Starbucks is not.

4. Tantrum Or A Threat?

When we think of abuse, we often think of physical signs. Bruises and cuts are visible clues to a larger problem. But what about when that aggression isn’t taken out on you, but around you?

Anger is a perfectly natural emotion. Childhood, genetics, and our environment influence how often and to what extent we experience anger. Aggression, however, is how we act on that anger. Assaulting someone else is the most obvious form of aggression, but it can also look like destroying property or the aggressor hurting themselves.

Aggressive expression is normal in children. Continuing this behavior into adulthood can be a sign of emotional immaturity. Even if it hasn’t happened yet, it can also be a sign of potential abuse.

If your partner is rough with objects or themselves when they’re angry, then they might need counseling. If your partner is aggressive towards you, seek help immediately.

People can fix bad habits over time with practice. But abusers and the abused require counseling to process and heal from their traumas. Learning to tell the difference could not only save a relationship worth keeping. It could mean ditching one that isn’t and saving your life.

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The CDC website states, “Smoking during pregnancy increases the risk of health problems for developing babies.” The health problems can be numerous. They include preterm birth, low birth weight, and certain birth defects. It can also increase the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) after birth. Not to mention the health problems that can occur in the mother.

So, when a man found his 5-month pregnant fiancée smoking he was rightfully concerned. Okay, he was furious, and he told her so. But, afterward, he consulted Reddit to find out if he was right to be upset or if he was in the wrong for “getting frustrated” about the situation.

The Backstory

The man stated that he and his fiancée were watching a movie when he got up to go to the bathroom. When he returned his fiancée wasn’t on the couch anymore, so he went looking for her. He found her outside on the porch, smoking a cigarette.

She’s five months pregnant (around halfway through her pregnancy) and the couple had previously been trying to become pregnant for about a year. According to the man, the couple was “overjoyed” when they found out she was pregnant. He said he’s “so excited to be a father.”

After he found her smoking he said that he was shocked and didn’t even know that she smoked. He stated that he may have been a little “harsh” in his reaction. His fiancée “screamed” that it was just a “singular” cigarette. But, then disclosed to him that she’s also been having a few shots a week with her friends. She stated that her doctors “haven’t said a word.”

After their discussion, the man claimed his fiancée hasn’t spoken to him since and made him sleep on the couch. When he consulted her sister about the situation, she said it wasn’t a big deal.

Response From Reddit

Redditors overwhelmingly agreed that he was not in the wrong, however, many had differing views on using substances while pregnant. The extremes went both ways, some saying that one should never even look at a glass of wine while pregnant, while others had a more relaxed perspective. However, a majority of Redditors agreed that there were some red flags given that she had been hiding her tobacco and alcohol use.

“It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset by this, but what you should really be asking yourself is what else she is hiding from you and why,” stated one Redditor.

One commenter stated “As for alcohol and cigarettes during pregnancy, why risk it? It’s only 9 months of not drinking and not smoking compared to the entire lifespan of a human–it’s nothing.”

Another commenter said, “You are understandably upset that she’s putting your baby at risk. I’m not sure there’s much you can do if she decides to continue what she’s doing. Go with her to a doctor’s appointment and disclose what she’s been doing. Maybe she’s feeling ambivalent about the baby? You two might benefit from some counseling.”

Another commenter had some worries about the mother’s mental health. “Is this at all in character for your fiancée? If it’s not… please consider there may be some mental health issue going on. Prepartum Depression is not discussed nearly as much as it should be. Can you convince her to schedule a doctor’s appointment that you also attend?”

An Update

At the time of publication, the man has twice added updates. In his second update, he stated that he’s decided to try to get full custody of his child and call off the engagement. He stated that he’s committed to getting her help, though.

In a later update he said that he attended a doctor’s appointment with her and that while the doctor was concerned, they believe the baby will be okay if she stops drinking and smoking ASAP. He also stated, “I don’t think I’m going to call off the engagement anymore, but I’ll still discuss my options with my therapist later today.”

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Weddings can be expensive. Many couples go into debt when they decide to declare their love in front of everyone they’ve ever met. In 2019, before the pandemic hit, a typical wedding cost roughly $28,000, according to The Knot.

Of course, there are other options. You can get married at the courthouse (I did!), have an at-home wedding, or you can even elope. However, if/when you decide to go the traditional route, you may have to pay for the wedding yourselves. Then, you would expect to pay off the wedding with your spouse. You made the decisions together, and you’re in it together. 

But, when things don’t go as planned and one person is left picking up the pieces–emotionally and financially–things can get messy quickly. When one woman was left with horrible options she turned to Reddit to ask if she was in the wrong for selling the engagement ring she received from her ex-fiancé.

The Backstory

Days before the wedding, “Mason” was caught cheating with his ex. The bride-to-(not)-be then called off the wedding. In doing so, she lost thousands of dollars that were non-refundable from the catering company, the venue, and more.

In total, she lost about $20,0000. She had taken out a loan to pay for the wedding. Mason had agreed to help her pay it back as a married couple. However the former bride realized that the longer she takes to pay back the loan, the more interest it will acquire.

When she asked Mason if he would still help her pay back the loan his response was, ”It isn’t my problem you took out a loan you can’t pay back.” After that, he stopped responding to her messages.

When Mason proposed, he did so with a family heirloom engagement ring, worth $25,000. So, when he refused to pay his part of the loan, the bride-to-(not)-be decided to take matters into her own hands. “I told him that if he didn’t agree to help pay it off (I wanted a lawyer involved) that I would sell the ring,” she stated in the Reddit thread. Mason continued to ignore her and told a mutual friend that he didn’t think she’d actually do it. But, after warning him numerous times with no response, she decided that she had to go through with it.

Mason then showed up at her house. He demanded she give him the ring, and when she showed him the proof of sale, he blew up. He called her a “petty b****” and stated that the ring “meant a lot to his family.” Plus, even some of her family thinks she overreacted and shouldn’t have sold the ring.

The (Mixed) Response From Reddit

At first glance, it seemed that Redditors came to the woman’s defense and declared that she was absolutely not in the wrong. However, there were some mixed opinions once you delved deeper into the comments.

One Redditor stated, “I was really prepared to give a different vote, but, if you don’t want to lose a valuable family heirloom, don’t give it to someone and then cheat on them. Also, believe that person the many times they warn you that they’ll sell it to pay for a wedding that had to be canceled due to your own antics… it sounds like you’re so much better off without Mason in your life.”

Many people were shocked that she took out a large loan without more forethought. One stated, “Engagement rings are considered conditional gifts and case law varies by state on whether a ring needs to be returned for a broken engagement. Really though, everyone sucks here because he’s a d****e and you spent $20k you don’t have in a wedding that didn’t happen.”

Some thought Mason got what he deserved and posted something like, “To f*** around is human; to find out is divine.” Hopefully, everyone learned a valuable lesson here. Weddings are mostly overrated, loans can be predatory, and people shouldn’t give away precious family heirlooms–especially when they don’t plan to be loyal.

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While every relationship takes work and compromise, there’s one type of relationship that may need a little bit more help. If you’ve found yourself dating or (gasp!) married to a Man-Child, first, know that you’re not alone. But, also know there is a lot of unlearning that will need to take place. There are also habits that will need to change (by you and your Man-Child) for the relationship to be sustainable. 

Because, eventually, raising a Man-Child, (especially if you have children or other responsibilities) will lead to burn-out. And, with everyone being at the brink of burnout already, anything we can do to lessen our stress is integral.

So, What Is A Man-Child? 

A Man-Child isn’t an ordinary man who might occasionally leave his socks on the bathroom floor. No, he’s a special type of man who no matter how often they’re asked or reminded to complete a task can’t seem to find the time. Honestly, they would never do it–even if they were reminded.

He may spend more time on his phone or playing computer games than he would like to admit. Weaponized incompetence is his go-to tactic when it’s his turn to make dinner, do laundry, or start the kids’ nighttime routine. “But you do it so much better,” is his common phrase when he doesn’t want to engage in a task.

He never takes responsibility, always passes the blame, and is unreliable. He may be stuck in a perpetual routine that was comfortable for him in his early 20s or teens. While he may be charming, he’s also impulsive, horrible with money, and ultimately selfish. And, hygiene? He doesn’t know her.

What To Do If You’ve Married A Man-Child

According to Dr. Jenn Mann, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, there are a few things you can do to help an under-functioning partner. Dr. Mann told InStyle that one way to encourage behavior change is to stop enabling.

She stated that when you end up doing his work for him it just rewards the bad behavior. As hard as it is to ignore the mess, eventually, he will have to do something about it. He will run out of clean clothes, at some point. So, grin, bear it, and don’t give in.

Another way to help make sure your relationship will last is to set clear boundaries, according to Dr. Mann. Setting clear boundaries and expectations for both you and your partner will help ensure no one is confused about their chores and tasks.

Lastly, make sure to acknowledge when he helps out around the house or does something without being asked. A simple “thank you” may help encourage him to continue to be helpful.

If all of that sounds exhausting or too much, that’s okay. There’s always the option to leave. Dr. Mann cautioned against using the threat of leaving as a manipulation device though. “Do not threaten divorce or separation as a way of manipulating him if you’re not prepared to do it. However, if you have genuinely reached your breaking point, divorce or separation may be the only viable option,” Dr. Mann advised.

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Do any of these phrases sound familiar? “If I do that, I’m just going to mess it up,” “Babe, you’re so much better at it than me,” or maybe even “You’re never happy with the way I do it, so why don’t you do it?”

If so, then you might be a victim of weaponized incompetence (WI). This is a fancy buzzword for an age-old concept. Some call it pulling a Tom Sawyer. I prefer the term “lazy, childish nonsense.”

Unfortunately, WI is subtle and can be difficult to spot, especially if you’ve been putting up with it for a long time. While anyone can fall victim to WI, it’s alarmingly common in male-female partnerships. In fact, there’s a good chance you might be dealing with it right now.

What Is Weaponized Incompetence?

Jared Sandberg coined the term “weaponized incompetence” in 2007. This “ritualistic charade…isn’t about having a strategy that fails, but a failure that succeeds,” Sandberg wrote in the Wall Street Journal.

Someone using WI might argue that they’d never be able to do a task correctly, so they simply won’t learn how. They’ll then try to convince you not to expect anything from them.

To be clear, WI isn’t the same as truly not knowing how to do a task. No one is born knowing how to do everything. “To learn something… can be difficult,” Sandberg explained. “But to refrain from learning something requires years of practice and refinement.”

Weaponized incompetence can arise in any environment: professional, familial, or personal. When Sandberg first mentioned the concept in the WSJ, there was a heavy workplace emphasis. 

But as many overworked and unhappy women can attest, this tactic is all-too-common in romantic relationships.

Try Saying It With A Song

There’s a lot of grey area when it comes to weaponized incompetence. Every dynamic is different, so blanket terms can be troublesome. But Artimus Wolz managed to sum it up pretty well in song.

“Girlfriend gave me chores, but I don’t wanna do them,” he sang over a dance beat. “Gotta be a way I can get right through them. ‘Bout to try a brand new form of a gaslight. Gonna make her do ‘em, but first I gotta ask right.” 

Then, he sang the hook that makes women everywhere shudder: “Listen, babe, if I do it, I’m-a mess it up.” During one line, Wolz held a dirty toilet scrubber to a drinking glass and asked, “is this the way that you wash a cup?”

Wolz’s song is satirical but painfully accurate. “You’re joking, but I legitimately worked with a man who washed the coffee urn with a toilet brush,” one user commented. 

“When the Venn diagram between gaslighting, weaponized incompetence, and narcissism is a perfect circle,” added another user. And as the weaponized incompetence hashtag on TikTok indicates, there is a lot of deadweight out there. If you feel like getting depressed, angry–or a fun mix of both–just scroll through that WI thread for a while.

From Lazy Dads To Chronic Slobs

There are thousands of videos of women “joking” about their incapable husbands. But is the joke that funny?

Within that WI thread, women have shared glimpses of the messy kitchen their husband “forgot” to clean. They recounted trips to the store where their man called, frantic, demanding they return home to take care of the kids. Who, exactly, is laughing here? 

Unsurprisingly, the “jokes” from the men are worse. Just take this video, for example, where the “joke” is that his wife won’t have sex with him despite his best efforts. Those efforts, by the way, are dishes and childcare. 

Men are not incapable beings. They aren’t hardwired to be bad at cleaning. Nor do they have a genetic predisposition to laziness. So, why is WI so common?

Overvalue And Undervalue

TikTok user Laura Danger suggested it’s a societal issue. “Society has told us to value money and work,” she explained. “We function under capitalism. We also function under patriarchy.” 

“A patriarchy overvalues masculine tasks and undervalues care tasks. Our society does not value the work that goes into managing a domestic situation,” she continued.

Women have come a long way from the 1950s. Relatively speaking, we have more agency and independence. Before the pandemic, we made up the majority of the workforce. 

Yet, despite this newfound agency, women are still expected to handle domestic duties. WI simply capitalizes on those expectations.

What To Do If You’re Experiencing Weaponized Incompetence

WI is a manipulation tactic, plain and simple. Still, not everyone who uses WI realizes what they’re doing. So, it’s crucial that you be aware of how to identify and stop it. 

“One way to stop a man doing this is to remind him women don’t have sexual feelings towards anyone they view as a child,” one user wrote under Wolz’s parody song. 

In a follow-up video, Wolz danced below a screengrab of another comment. “My husband tried to pass off a chore to me because ‘you know I get water all over the floor though.’ I remembered your song, and I said, ‘so practice,’” the comment read. 

Another potential solution? “Match his energy,” Danger said. “Do a s****y job back. If you thought, ‘if I matched his energy, the kids would suffer,’ your kids ARE suffering. Leave him.”  

Granted, it might be worth talking about first. These familial roles are deeply ingrained in our society. Your man might not even realize what he’s doing. 

But if you bring it to his attention and he refuses to stop, don’t forget that constant manipulation is emotional abuse. It’s not just about dirty dishes; it’s about being a good partner. 

If he’s still unwilling to provide that bare minimum, then we suggest sticking with Laura Danger’s advice: leave him.

Have you ever heard of the hanky code? This system of communication through different colored bandanas, or “hankies,” has been a part of the gay community for decades, signaling sexual preferences and fetishes. 

How Bandanas Were Used To Find Partners

Handkerchiefs were placed in back pockets, a covert way of finding sexual partners during a time when gay men could not be open about their sex lives, or where it was even illegal to be gay. Through the color of the hanky and the pocket it was placed in, users could convey what kind of sexual activities they wanted to engage in and how they would take place. 

Wearing colored bandanas has been a part of men’s wardrobes since the mid-nineteenth century, primarily used by cowboys, railroad workers, and miners. It is thought that the bandanas became part of the gay community in San Francisco after the Gold Rush. The shortage of women at the time led to men dancing with other men at square dances. A man with a blue bandana would take the male lead during the dance, while one with a red bandana danced the female part. 

Where Did It Originate?

The modern hanky code is believed to have begun around 1970 in New York City. A journalist for the Village Voice joked that instead of wearing a set of keys on one side or the other (an underground code at the time to indicate sexual preference), colored handkerchiefs would be more efficient. 

Other sources credit the code to marketing done by The Trading Post, an erotic merchandise department store, in 1971. The store promoted colored bandanas by printing cards listing the various meanings of each color. 

Alan Selby, founder of Mr. S Leather in San Francisco, claims that he created the first hanky code alongside business partners at Leather ‘n’ Things in 1972. The store’s supplier accidentally doubled their order of colored bandanas and Selby and his partners concocted the code in an effort to get rid of the excess stock. 

There is no single standard for the code, with color meanings varying from list to list. Some lists assign a sexual fetish to a handful of colors, while others are much longer and more detailed. 

While the hanky code was once a popular system for finding prospective sexual partners, the internet and a more tolerant society have made it largely obsolete. Along with streamlining the process of finding someone sexually compatible, the internet is much safer, eliminating harassment and violence that gay men face. However, many still wear and carry colored hankies in honor of the hanky code.

It’s a word used to describe unhealthy relationships time and time again, but few truly understand what codependency is and how it impacts those involved. Where does codependency come from? It’s not something only those in romantic relationships experience. Friendships and familial relationships can fall into this category as well. 

To learn how to stop being codependent, you must first understand what it is and determine if your relationships fall into this category. A relationship may be toxic, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s codependent. Learn to recognize its signs and how to end codependency so you can create a healthier relationship with yourself and others. 

What Is Codependency 

Codependency, or what is sometimes called a relationship addiction, is a learned emotional and behavioral condition that prevents people from forming healthy relationships. While it’s natural for people to rely on each other for support, those in codependent relationships have an imbalanced relationship where one relies on the other financially, physically, or emotionally. 

In every codependent relationship, there is a giver who offers the support and a taker. The giver often measures their worth by their ability to support the taker. Problems will usually arise if the taker starts to make decisions that will get them to a place where they no longer need to rely on the giver. The giver will begin to feel inadequate and abandoned. 

A taker in a codependent relationship will often suffer from an underlying issue such as a mental health disorder, drug or alcohol addiction, health condition, or victim of abuse. Both the giver and the taker won’t end a codependent relationship as they fear what will happen to the other person. 

Theresa Ford, Ph.D., LPC of Creative Counseling and Coaching Services, LLC gives a take on codependency. “One way to describe codependency is if your partner has a headache and you take an aspirin. The two individuals are emotionally fused so that they can’t tell where one ends and the other one begins.” 

Where Does Codependency Come From

Codependency is a learned condition that often develops in childhood. When a kid is raised in a home where their emotions are disregarded or punished, it can lead to low self-confidence and shame. When this is combined with taking on adult responsibilities at a young age, codependent behaviors begin to form.

Carrie C. Mead, LCPC describes it best. “Codependent tendencies often develop as a result of dysfunction within the childhood home whereby the child had to care for the parent because a parent was chronically ill or addicted to drugs, for example.” In a society where the conversation has only just begun to explore the concept of generational trauma, it’s important to keep in mind how our childhoods are so formative.

Mead continues with a solid example. “The child then internalizes the idea that their parents cannot function without them and the child develops some pride in being able to care for someone. As an adult, this person now looks to ‘rescue’ their partners. They will be drawn to people who they can help such as an addict. Now each partner depends, in an unhealthy and severe way, on each other. One person is ‘sick’ and one person is the ‘savior’.” Sound like anyone familiar?

What Does Codependency Look Like

To avoid codependent people or determine if you’re stuck in a codependent relationship, you must first know what signs to look for. There are plenty of ways to recognize these behaviors. Check to see if any of this sounds familiar.

Signs of a codependent person:

• a constant need for approval
• self-worth measured by what others think about them
• a habit of dodging conflict
• tendency to apologize or accept blame to keep the peace
• extreme interest in the routine or behaviors of others
• an inclination to ignore the needs of others
• makes or manages decisions for others
• excessive caretaking to the point of being controlling
• take on too much to earn praise or relieve a burden from others
• taking on things they don’t want to so others are happy
• having overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment
• feeling guilty or anxious when they do something for themself
• idealizing others to extreme measures
• regularly trying to rescue those incapable of taking care of themself

Signs you’re in a codependent relationship:

• difficulties recognizing, respecting, and reinforcing boundaries
• inability to make decisions in a relationship 
• having poor self-esteem
• having an excessive sense of responsibility for others 
• you walk on eggshells to avoid conflict 
• feel obligated to check in with the other person regularly
• you can’t make decisions or go anywhere without feeling like you must request permission
•  apologizing when you shouldn’t
• putting them on a pedestal
• you go above and beyond for them even if you don’t want to or you’re uncomfortable
• losing your sense of self
• you can’t seem to find time for yourself 

Here is a common example of codependency in relationships. The giver does everything for an adult who should be able to care for themself. They may be suffering from a weight problem, health condition, mental illness, alcoholism, or drug addiction which the giver facilitates. In this case, the giver finds purpose in being an enabler. 

An example of codependency in a romantic relationship is the giver neglecting self-care, their job, or friendships to be with their partner. The giver invests all of their time and energy into their relationship, leaving nothing left for themselves. They may be manipulated by the taker in the relationship, likely unintentionally. 

How To Stop Being Codependent 

Once you’ve realized you’re in a codependent relationship, there are various steps you can take to break the cycle. One of the first things you should do is learn what a healthy relationship should look like. Signs include trust, respect, support, honesty, and equality. You should feel comfortable expressing your emotions, showing affection, and maintaining your individuality. 

Gain Independence

Take back your independence by getting back into your interests or taking on new hobbies that will widen your circle of friends. Take time for yourself, even if it means spending a few hours walking around a shopping mall or seeing a movie. Self-care is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. Cynthia Halow, the founder of Personality Max, recommends that you should, “find a hobby or interest.” A lot of couples avoid this but Halow points out that, “doing something that you enjoy and take your time will allow you to explore, find yourself, and make your own decisions.” We couldn’t agree more.

Get Back In Touch

Often being in a codependent relationship puts other relationships on the backburner. When you’re trying to get back your independence, it’s essential to reconnect with the important people in your life. These can be old friends, coworkers, family members, or anyone you’ve lost touch with. Halow suggests that you should, “engage in activities that don’t involve your partner.” What does this mean? She explains, “You should also do things alone like, go to the museum, see a movie, or go for a walk daily. Basically, just participate in activities regularly that don’t involve your relationship or partner.” Even taking yourself on a self-date to the movies can be a great step forward.

Learn To Set Boundaries

Boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship. To achieve them, one must encourage honest and open communication. Not only do you need to verbalize your needs, but you need to listen to their needs as well. 

Be Selfish

Being in a healthy relationship is more than just carving out some time for yourself. You need to be selfish at times and turn down the things you don’t want to do, even if it makes someone unhappy. When asked what this might mean, Halow recommended that you should, “stop doing things to your detriment. Put yourself first, be selfish. When something doesn’t make you happy, turn it down or don’t do it. Do more things that make you happy and don’t hurt you or anyone else.” Time to cancel that night out and take more naps!

Seek Therapy

Often overcoming codependency requires therapy. Depending on your specific circumstances, you may want to look into group therapy, family therapy, relationship therapy, or cognitive therapy. Therapy will be different for those who are the giver and those who are the taker in the relationship. All parties will likely require individual therapy in addition to joint therapy sessions to address specific issues in the relationship.

In some families, birthdays are a big deal. Some families lavish their loved ones with gifts and goodies. They make (or order) a delectable birthday cake and have a big party. They might treat their loved ones on their special day or even the whole week leading up to their birthday. In other families, you’ll be lucky to get a card or a “happy birthday” thrown your way. Most families land somewhere in the middle. 

However, one family isn’t feeling the birthday bliss this year. One woman turned to Reddit for answers after she was called “selfish” for refusing to accept her husband’s list of demands during his “birthday month.”

The Back Story

The woman, who we’ll call Kasey, is married to a man who is soon to be 30 years old. The couple share a young son, and both work full time. Kacey stated that despite this, she does most of the housework, pays the majority of the bills, and does most of the caretaking for their son. However, when her husband’s birthday month rolled around, he had a list of “birthday month expectations” at the ready.

A few examples on his list included:

1. He is not to be asked to do any type of chores or clean or cook for a month.

2. He gets to play his Xbox for hours on end without his wife interrupting or nagging him about it.

3. He is not to pay his part of the rent for a month.

4. He gets to go out with his friends whenever he wants.

5. He gets to skip any given workday and sleep in without being bothered to wake up to drive their son to school or do any emergency fixes.

The Wife’s Response

So, like any reasonable person, Kasey asked “are you being serious right now?” Because obviously, this had to be a joke.

“In other words, he wants a month-long vacation and time off from his responsibilities as a partner and as a father,” Kasey wrote. Her husband was adamant that his parents and friends had done this for him in the past, so as his wife “she should be happy to do it.”

She refused and called his requests ridiculous, because (obviously) they are. Also, she stated that they are already struggling financially and that she “needs his help, especially now.”

He responded by “pitching a fit,” calling her selfish, avoiding her altogether, and stating that he’s very disappointed. The gaslighting proved successful, as Kasey pondered at the end of her post if she might be in the wrong.

Reddit’s Response

Overwhelmingly, Reddit was on Kasey’s side and agreed that her response was justified.

One of the top comments read, “Lol if I pulled that s*** on my wife I’d expect divorce papers for my birthday present.”

Another poster got right to the point. “I could see a bday weekend. Maybe. But these demands are idiotic and ridiculous. If he wants to live like he’s single and not a parent he can go be single and not a parent. ‘My parents/friends did it’ doesn’t mean anyone else has to. Also, you are his wife, and therefore neither of those categories matter. You didn’t go too far. At this point, he’d be lucky if he gets a ‘Happy Birthday’ with his attitude.”

We can only hope that Kasey can see that this behavior is toxic, if it’s indicative of how her husband is all the time, divorce papers might be in order.

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Divorce can be a stressful and upsetting time for anyone, but it’s also the time to embark on a new season of life. Letting go of things that aren’t right for us is something to be proud of and eager to jump into. For anyone going through a divorce, new opportunities and the chance to create a life that fits you perfectly are right in front of you. What’s a better cause for celebration than that?

As divorce parties become more popular, there are more and more ways to celebrate the new life you have ahead of you and kick it off with an unforgettable event. No matter what lead to your divorce or what kind of breakup you’re dealing with, you deserve to celebrate all the great things that are coming your way. This occasion marks the end of something that wasn’t meant to be. So, celebrate that divorce! No matter what your party style is, there’s a perfect divorce party in the cards for you. Here are seven ideas on how to throw a divorce party.

1. Throw Your Own Divorce Shower

There are baby showers and bridal showers, so why not divorce showers? If you prefer a laidback daytime party or an event with class, then a divorce shower is the party for you.

Model your divorce shower after your favorite details of baby and bridal showers. Dress up in your Sunday best and serve a mimosa brunch with cupcakes and finger foods. Make a registry for anything you want or anything your ex may have ended up with after the breakup. And, if you like cheesy party games, there are plenty of fun options like Pin the Tail on the Ex. Finish the day off by giving out party favors to your fabulous friends.

2. Have An Un-Wedding

If you can celebrate not being a bride with a divorce shower, you can toast to saying “I don’t” the same way you’d say “I do.” What better way to be proudly unwed than by having an un-wedding? If you want to shout your new relationship status from the rooftops, here’s your chance. We’re taught to believe that it’s time to plan the biggest event of our lives when we become a pair. These days, those rules are out of style. So, plan your dream un-wedding to celebrate loving yourself.

Invite anyone you want to your event, but exclude anyone who feels like an obligation to include. Have an open bar, dancing, and even a fancy cake. Whatever your fantasy wedding would have, that’s how you should design your un-wedding. Not only will this be the best party ever, but party planning will take your mind off the other stresses you’ve got on your plate. So, go try on some outfits and taste test some un-wedding cakes.

3. Focus On Self-Care

Big parties aren’t everyone’s style, and this new time in your life is all about you and what you want. If DJs and open bars aren’t your speed, consider opting for a self-care party. Make an appointment at a spa with your friends for massages, manicures, and facials. You can also have professionals come to you and do spa treatments in your own home.

If a low-key event sounds more your speed, grab some sheet masks and nail polish from the drug store, make a pitcher of cucumber water, and press play on a Spotify spa playlist in the comfort of your candle-lit living room. There’s no right or wrong way to have a spa day; just kick back and relax.

4. Plan A Slumber Party

When was the last time you threw a slumber party with all your close friends? Probably long before you ever considered getting married.

Invite your friends over and do all the things you miss about the sleepovers of your youth and add the perks of adulthood. Pair your favorite takeout with a bottle of Prosecco. Sport your coziest sweats with your cutest slippers. Pop on a movie that reminds you of the excitement of dating in your youth like Pretty in Pink. Or, you can opt for a breakup movie like The First Wives Club. And, when you and your friends are still up chatting at 3 AM, scroll through Tinder together and vote on which way you should swipe.

5. Throw A Reverse Bachelorette Party

Bachelorette parties are all about waving adieu to being single. Now that your bachelorette days are back and better than ever, why not say hello to your best self with a classic bachelorette party?

Put on that tiara and sash and go out on the town with your best friends. Have a laugh at the expense of bachelorettes having their last hoorah, and embrace the chance to reconnect with your single self now that you’re older and wiser. To really get into the spirit of things, don’t shy away from slipping your number to anyone at the bar who you might want to text.

6. Spend A Weekend Away

Is there a destination you’ve always wanted to go to but haven’t gotten the chance? Now is the time to embrace the exciting things about being single—the freedom to run off on a weekend getaway at a moment’s notice.

Grab your most spontaneous friends and enjoy your divorce party out of town. You can buy some plane tickets or take a drive to a city nearby. Out-of-town divorce parties can be big or small; adventurous or cozy. Like any vacation, a good place to start planning is to identify what you’re looking for out of your trip. You can relax by a pool somewhere, become one with nature, or go on a shopping spree. Think of what sounds the most fun and cathartic to you. Choose your destination based on the weekend’s desired vibe.

7. Have A Karaoke Night

After experiencing something emotionally taxing, like a divorce, there’s nothing more cathartic than letting loose and belting all your favorite songs at the top of your lungs.

Rent a karaoke machine or head to your local karaoke bar and sing the night away with all your friends. While there are endless choices of breakup songs to sing, consider choosing songs that make you feel empowered and ready to conquer the world. And don’t sweat it if you’re not a naturally gifted singer—karaoke is all about having fun, not sounding good.

This next chapter of life is going to be your best yet. Cheers to what’s to come, and get started on that party planning!

Coordinating family time during the holidays is anything but holly and jolly. There are countless moving parts, pressure to impress, and holiday traffic to face. 

Add in the stress of being pregnant, and it becomes tinseled torture. But when one expecting mom tried to cancel her Christmas plans, she was met with an unpleasant surprise. Not only was her husband furious, but he also demanded a hand-written apology.

Hostess With The Mostess?

The woman, who shared her horror story on Reddit, works full-time, is six months pregnant, and is the mother of a toddler. Her husband, a 39-year-old, works night shifts three times a week. 

The wife explained that her husband has a large family that gathers every year for Christmas. When her father-in-law died, her husband volunteered to host the holidays. 

“Unbeknownst to me, he sent out invitations for a five-day Christmas celebration to his entire family, which is about 26 members in total,” the woman commented. “I found out by accident and was too shocked to react.” 

Understandably, the woman wasn’t comfortable cooking, cleaning, and hosting 26 people for a week on top of her work and child care duties. The husband, however, was anything but empathetic. 

“I demanded he cancel, but he refused, saying ‘over my dead body.’” She writes. When she sent a mass text canceling the event, “he went off on me, calling my behavior outrageously appalling.”

“He said that I broke his word to his family and made him look small and with no authority,” she continued.

Disrespectful Or Justified?

Despite feeling like the new head of the family, the husband clearly expected his pregnant wife to keep the wheels turning for this week-long visit. Sidestepping this irony, he accused his wife of disrespecting him. 

“He talked about how I disrespected his father and him with what I said,” she said. “He demanded a hand-written apology for canceling the event and for being insensitive.” 

The husband also wanted his wife to apologize for “undermining his authority in front of his family,” (yikes). Even the MIL joined in, giving the woman “a stern talk about how out of line I was for disrespecting my husband’s decisions,” (double yikes).

Even if the husband had offered to host, cook, cater, and clean (he didn’t), the only one disrespected in this situation is the woman in her third trimester of pregnancy. Cramming 26 people in a modestly sized home for a week sounds bleak on a good day. 

The wife refused to apologize, and I (and the rest of Reddit) hope she never does. One user commented, “Is he delusional? A written apology? What are you, his servant? …that’s repulsive.”

Another user offered some great advice for that handwritten letter the husband demanded, “I’m sorry I didn’t see you were a misogynistic a****** sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t rectify that oversight sooner—time to do so. These are divorce papers. Sign them.”

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Naming your children is such a personal and exciting thing. Going through your all-time favorite lists, discussing your choices (or not) with your loved ones, and finding the name that will perfectly fit your child is a fun adventure. 

However, sometimes when you and your partner can’t decide on a name things can get tense. If they hate every name you suggest or vice versa, things are bound to get ugly quickly.

A woman who found herself in this situation recently turned to Reddit and asked what she should do after telling her fiancé that he didn’t get to name both of their children.

Double The Trouble

So, at first glance you might think, yeah, that’s kind of unfair that the woman would refuse to let her fiancé help name their babies. But, that’s not exactly what’s happening here.

The poster is currently pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, and her fiancé has claimed the boy as a “junior.” Meaning the boy would automatically have his first, middle, and last name. However, the fiancé didn’t stop there. He also wants to name the girl after his mother and have the baby girl’s middle name be his dad’s name. So where does this leave the commenter?

Apparently, that leaves the commenter having no say in what to name the twins. So, she did what most people would do and tried to have a conversation about it. “I told him that I didn’t really think it was fair that he got to name the first baby what he wanted and now wants to name the second baby also what he wants. I also said it wasn’t fair that my family gets excluded. He said he really wanted to incorporate at least his mom’s name.”

After that, the fiancé became “visibly sad, upset, and standoffish,” after conversations about naming the babies.

In the end, she stood up for herself and even tried to compromise with her fiancé. “I told him he doesn’t get to name both of the babies what he wants. He got upset about this comment and has been stand-offish toward me. I don’t think that was so awful of me to say but now I’m second-guessing my comment.”

Reddit Responds

Reddit’s response was mostly in favor of the mom, obviously. Several stated some variation of, “Girl you’re growing those babies. You get a say in the name.”

Other posters warned of the plight of “juniors” with cautionary tales of government documentation mix-ups and other issues. One commenter stated, “My husband is a junior. He also grew up in a small town where his dad grew up. Everyone knows him and thinks he’s a troublemaker like his dad. They have had so many issues with insurance, cell phones, jobs, etc.”

Other commenters stated that the lack of compromise was a red flag. One commenter said, “He’s being a bully and needs to learn to compromise if he wants to be in an adult relationship. Things don’t just go his way all the time when it comes to being a co-parent.” Hopefully, the fiancé will learn to compromise before the babies are born.

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A woman in her early 20s is asking the people of Reddit, “Am I The A**hole for not covering shifts of coworkers with kids on Christmas?”

While some people can’t even imagine missing Christmas morning with their kids, there are tons of people in the workforce that miss Christmas, birthdays, and other important events and holidays every year. 

There is a bit more to this situation, and it sheds some light on the dilemmas of working parents and the expectations of their childless coworkers. @u/Caffeinated_Tragedy, whom we’ll call Kristy, is the original poster that faced some backlash at work. She works in healthcare, and her work’s policy is that employees work every other Christmas.

According to the post, Kristy worked last Christmas (the 23rd-26th) and was really looking forward to the time off to relax with her family. Yet her childless status instantly made her a target of her coworkers.

Unfair Expectations

After Kristy’s work’s holiday schedule came out, she stated she was approached by several coworkers with young children who asked her if she could cover their Christmas shifts. Knowing that these same coworkers would likely not cover her holiday shifts in 2022, and not wanting to work three Christmases in a row, Kristy declined. Apparently this didn’t go over well.

“Seeing the annoyance of coworkers when I declined [to switch] made me feel both bad and frustrated. I understand that everyone obviously wants to be with their kids during Christmas, but I want to be with my family too. So I’m wondering… [Am I in the wrong] for saying no to working Christmas if I don’t have kids?”

Reddit’s Response

The people of Reddit were overwhelmingly in support of the original poster. One commenter stated, “You worked it last year and your vacation plans are just as important as those with kids. You did your part and now it’s someone else’s turn.”

Another poster stated that people with kids figure out how to celebrate holidays and start traditions of their own when work gets in the way. “My mom was a nurse and often had to work Christmas day. And guess what… we survived! We still had our Christmas day celebration, just on another day.”

Another commenter suggested tough love for the coworkers giving Kristy a hard time. “You should remember that it’s not OK for them to guilt you about it. They decided to work the same job you did, they just don’t want the same rules to apply to them because they have kids. If they don’t want to have to work Christmas the only real option is to find a place that doesn’t make them or to convince your company to change its policy.”

The Difficulties Of Working Parents

It’s no secret that working parents and mothers, in particular, have a difficult time balancing work and family life. Even throughout 2020 when people shifted to working from home and many schools were remote, working mothers reported burnout and fatigue. Plus, single mothers and those with little to no support held an even heavier burden.

So, when a mother finds a job that provides necessities for their family (i.e. healthcare, a steady income, and some flexibility), they will likely stay at that job whether or not they are expected to work holidays. So, the idea that they should just find a new job is kind of ridiculous. But, in the long run, it could be an option.

Coworkers Shouldn’t Suffer

Seeing your kiddo’s face light up on Christmas morning is magical. However, learning that you won’t be able to see it this year doesn’t mean that your coworkers should suffer. It also doesn’t mean the coworkers with kids shouldn’t ask (nicely) to switch shifts with others. There’s no harm in trying to switch, it’s the audacity to think that your wants are more important than your coworkers.

When someone acts entitled or annoyed when they don’t get their way, all bets are off. It’s doubtful that a coworker would do you a favor at any other time when you take out your frustrations at them, whether it’s a holiday or not. Keeping in mind that people without kids are still people with families, parents, and lives is important.

One commenter put it well, “They had a whole year to plan accordingly. I don’t have any children, but I value my time with family around the holidays. I also have young kids in my family who I enjoy seeing grow up. A coworker’s choice to have kids doesn’t trump others’ desire to enjoy their free time.”

Holdiay Policies

There will always be jobs that require holiday work. And, there will always be jobs, especially in the human services field and healthcare, that require you to be available at all times of the day and night. Holiday pay is a big perk for working during the holidays and some people might even prefer it to the hustle and bustle of the season.

Overall, Kristy is not an a**hole for keeping her holiday vacation and working parents aren’t necessarily horrible for asking her to switch. Keeping attitudes in check and being gracious is ideal though, especially during the holiday season.

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Lucky for everyone, the days of selling women to men for a large cow and six chickens have passed. As such, the idea of monogamy is being challenged on numerous fronts, but especially with the resurgence of non-monogamy. Which begs the question that is on everyone’s lips: What is polyamory? Is it the same as that one show that has five wives? What about the TV show Big Love on HBO? Short answer: no. Longer answer: It’s far more complicated than you might imagine. 

There have been many hot debates on whether or not monogamy is natural for humans. According to the Institute for Family Studies, “Among mammals, just 9 percent of species are monogamous; among primates, just 29 percent are. Humans are a diverse lot, but before Western imperialism, 83 percent of indigenous societies were polygynous, 16 percent monogamous, and 1 percent polyandrous (where women have multiple husbands).”

The numbers do lend the idea that having multiple partners would be more natural for humans. Christy Powell, LPC, owner of Valance Counseling, explains why it’s so difficult for humans to challenge their monogamous upbringing. “These ideas live in our blood because they are in the air that we breathe; they’re hard to see because they are in the very water we’re all swimming in. So when it comes to polyamory, a lot of people get off track by assuming they will just ‘get it’ by listening to a Dan Savage podcast. They don’t understand there’s a whole culture to which they are total foreigners.” 

Polyamory isn’t as simple as you might think, but don’t worry! In this ultimate guide, we’ll explore your most burning questions about ethical non-monogamy and, more specifically, polyamory.

Table Of Contents

• Types Of Ethical Non-Monogamy
• Common Polyamorous Terms
• Common Myths About Polyamory
• Benefits Of Polyamory
• Downsides Of Polyamory
• Different Relationship Styles In Polyamory
• Common Agreements In Polyamory
• Ways To Work On Yourself
• Where To Begin With Polyamory
• What To Avoid In Polyamory
• Non-Monogamy Isn’t For Everyone

Types Of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Polyamory

Polyamory breaks down to “multiple loves.” The dictionary defines it as “involving, having, or characterized by more than one open romantic relationship at a time.” However, the beauty of polyamory is that while the dictionary definition mentions “romantic,” that doesn’t mean all polyam relationships need to be romantic in the traditional sense. However, the ability for all connections to develop into something more, especially romantic love, provides a distinct separation between polyamory and other non-monogamous relationship styles. 

Swingers 

If you aren’t familiar with “the lifestyle”, swingers are couples who “play” with other couples. Typically, emotions with outside parties are not allowed. Swingers show up together, play together (within agreed dynamics), and try to keep a firm delineation between each couple. There are always exceptions to this rule, but this is just a general overview.

Open Relationships

This relationship style can be tricky and downright disastrous if not approached with clear intentions. The most common approach is a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy (i.e., do what you want with who you want, I just don’t want to know about it). Open relationships focus more on physical experiences with people outside the relationship. Having an open relationship that allows emotions to be involved would fall under polyamory.

Also note: not telling your partners about other people isn’t actually “ethical,” so it doesn’t fall under ENM.

Different Relationship Styles In Polyamory

When you step out of the monogamous normative lifestyle, the world opens when it comes to ethical non-monogamous relationship styles, like polyamorous triad and poly quads. Here’s what they all mean.

Triads

This is the most common relationship style for polyamorous people. Triads come in two different forms: a V and a triangle. Just as it might sound, a V is where one person is dating two people, but those two people are not dating. However, they spend a lot of time together and are close friends. The triangle style is where everyone is in a romantic relationship. There’s no right or wrong way to do it!

Quads

As you might imagine, quads are where four people are in a relationship. Like triads, it doesn’t mean all four people are in a romantic relationship, but they’re all closely linked enough to have a relationship.

Solo-poly

This ethically non-monogamous relationship style is where one person lives by themselves and lacks an anchor or nesting partner. There is no one person they put most of their focus on, but instead, they have relationships with multiple people.

Anarchists

Relationship anarchists do not prescribe to the relationship escalator but instead are like wild mustangs, living their own lives however they want. No one is more important than the other, but they also don’t usually entertain the relationship escalator. It’s the ultimate example of autonomy. There are no expectations of time or effort put into a relationship. You can read the relationship anarchy “manifesto” here. Side note: the inherent definition of anarchy means that everyone has their own version of what this looks like themselves. This explanation is general but not definitive. 

Hierarchical

This type of relationship style always has a “top dog” for a non-monogamous person. Whether it’s an open or poly relationship, you have one person that will always come first. This relationship style can cause problems, such as vetoing or ending relationships entirely. 

Non-hierarchical

This approach is all about creating equity in individual relationships, not prioritizing one over the other. Agreements and needs are addressed on a case-by-case basis. To be non-hierarchical means that no one relationship is more important than the other. You can still live with someone and have an anchor partner, but you don’t let one relationship rule them all.  

Parallel Poly

Essentially everyone knows about each relationship, but they don’t spend a lot of time interacting with their metamours. It’s not that they aren’t friendly to one another; they just don’t want to spend a ton of time together, which is valid and acceptable.

Unicorn Hunting

Ah, Unicorn Hunters. There is a significant amount of animosity towards Unicorn hunters, but what are they? Unicorn hunters are usually couples looking to add someone to their dynamic because they only date together. Sometimes it’s just for sex; other times, it’s in hopes of creating a triad. The reason this causes a lot of ire in the non-monogamy community is mostly due to the new person being tossed out when they don’t measure up to the couple’s goals.

More often than not, collateral damage is painful for whoever is “hunted.” Kelly A. shared her experience and, unfortunately, it’s quite typical.

“Years ago, after vetting a couple, I met up with them. They offered me a drink. Halfway through, they offered me another one…and another,” she said. “I ended up doing things I didn’t want to know and remember very little of that evening outside of vomiting repeatedly and them constantly giving me liquor. It wasn’t my first unicorn experience, but it was certainly my last.”

Common Polyamorous Terms

The learning curve to non-monogamy lingo can be steep. Here is a not-so-definitive list of polyamorous terms. 

Relationship Escalator – Monogamous relationships inherently expect things to happen. Meet, have sex, enter a relationship, first times doing things, move in together, get engaged, get married, etc. In polyamory, these “escalators” are done with more intention. There isn’t an assumption you’re in a relationship just because you’ve been on six dates—it’s an actual conversation. 

Does it feel juvenile to say, “will you be my partner?” Maybe, but it shouldn’t. If you have to ask consent to get engaged, why wouldn’t you ask consent to be someone’s partner? Every step to a more intimate relationship should be done with intention, not assumptions. 

Primary/Secondary/Tertiary – These are hierarchical relationship terms. Primary means the relationship that comes first. As the term implies, being “secondary” means to be the “runner up” relationship. Tertiary refers to other relationships that have less power in decisions, dates, time, etc. 

Anchor Partner – This is the non-hierarchical term for a primary partner. This is someone you “anchor” yourself to but isn’t given preferred power over anyone else. 

Nesting Partner – This is another non-hierarchical term, but it means you live with someone. They’re significant but not more important than another person. 

Compersion – Ah, the ever-elusive emotion. Compersion (or to be compersive) means to feel happiness for your partner’s happiness. When they are excited about someone new, and you’re happy for them, that’s compersion. It’s no different than when they get all giddy about a hobby they love, and you love that for them. However, it is not a required emotion, and not everyone experiences it. It’s pretty cool when it happens though. 

Metamour – “The lover of my lover.” This term refers to someone your partner spends time with. You do not have to meet them, but you might be surprised at the kinds of friendship they can bring to your life. 

Kitchen-Table Polyamory (KTP) – There’s no feeling on earth like sitting at a table with everyone you love and appreciate and they all get along. Holidays, family nights, and dinners at home are all enhanced when everyone you love can converse and have a great time. This is the goal for a lot of people but far harder to come by than people realize. It involves being okay with watching your partner be affectionate with others and making space for that in real-time. 

Parallel Polyamory – This is the opposite of KTP. Everyone knows about one another. Maybe they even met once, but that’s the extent of it. 

Fluid bonding – What an odd term, right? This term means that you’re forgoing protection (i.e., condoms or dental dams). This choice is considered an escalator behavior on the relationship escalator. In non-monogamy, it’s a really serious choice and shows an intense level of trust. Even with regular testing, it isn’t guaranteed that no one will get an STI or STD. When you fluid bond, you mutually agree to take that risk. 

Polysaturated – This means you officially have as many relationships as you can handle. 

Comets – These are the types of relationships that come into your life randomly, orbiting in your life for a brief period of time. Example: someone who comes into town every few months. 

Satellites – These are more stable than comets but still on the outskirts of your everyday life. This person could be a friend with benefits you hook up with randomly.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) – You know those overwhelming butterflies that flit around in your gut with someone new? The can’t-eat-can’t-sleep obsession makes you feel like you can take on the world because of this new person? That’s NRE, and in polyamory, it’s greeted with a sense of excitement and dread. 

There is no feeling on this earth like NRE and it’s undoubtedly why Elizabeth Taylor got married a trillion times or why Taylor Swift has a never-ending trove of break-up songs. NRE can rip apart relationships, make you question everything, and make it hard to function in your life. That doesn’t make it a bad thing! The key is to understand that it’s temporary (lasting only up to two years, usually) and that it isn’t a good reason to run away to Vegas and marry someone. 

Vetoing – This is, by far, one of the most traumatizing experiences in non-monogamy, even in open relationships. This situation occurs when Partner A and B have a relationship, and Partner B is with Partner C. Partner A gets so jealous, they tell Partner A to leave C.

This behavior is entirely tied to making someone responsible for your feelings. Almost every single time, the resentment will fester, and more often than not, Partner B will leave Partner A. Forcing your partner to abandon something they enjoy because you don’t like it is the ultimate and toxic form of control.

Common Myths Of Polyamory

Polyamory continues to be one of the most underrepresented and vilified relationship styles out there. A large part is tied to human history and how humans have used monogamy to propel society forward in specific directions. Some of it is property-based. Other reasons are based on religion. Regardless, monogamy has become the accepted norm for most of society, but just because it’s normalized doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. As a result, there are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory. Here are a few!

Myth: Polyamory Is Illegal

No, it is not—technically. While not inherently illegal, most people are socialized to believe monogamy is the norm. Additionally, polyamory is not a legally protected status against prejudice and discrimination. As such, you probably know someone who is, at minimum, in an open relationship, but they haven’t trusted you with this information yet.

Myth: Polyamory Is The Same As Polygamy

No, it is not. Polygamy is the practice of a person having multiple spouses. More specifically, polygyny is the practice of a man having many wives, and polyandry is a woman having many husbands.

Myth: Polyamorous People Don’t Get Jealous

“I could never share my partner, I’m just too jealous.” The number of times I’ve heard this phrase…

This myth simply isn’t true. Jealousy is a normal human emotion and doesn’t just disappear. So many people are hesitant to explore non-monogamy because they’re afraid of their jealousy—and for a good reason. If you’ve ever burned with deep and unrelenting jealousy, you know how uncomfortable it is. People will do anything to rid themselves of the emotion. It’s tied to fear and shame, two of the strongest emotions known to humankind. 

Polyamory doesn’t mean you’re free of jealousy—it means you’re willing to sit with your emotions and discover the source of the feeling. For a lot of poly people, jealousy often signifies there is a need that requires attention. Usually, it’s an unexplored fear of rejection or abandonment. Jealousy is a trench coat for the naked truth. Inside everyone is an experience that we carry with us, coloring our experiences and realities. Polyamory just requires you to find it, acknowledge it, and move on.

Myth: Polyamory Is A Lawless, Wild Land Of Sex

Just like for the general mono lifestyle, some relationships are more about sex. Other relationships lean more platonic. Polyam relationships are no different. That’s the beauty of polyamory: relationships can take any form they need to.

Myth: Polyamory Will Fix Your Relationship

If your relationship is struggling, like possibly heading towards divorce, it’s ill-advised to further complicate an already difficult situation. Adding another person—that isn’t a relationship therapist—will inevitably cause more issues, which is certainly not ideal and could lead to more heartbreak.

This is not to say polyamory can’t enhance a relationship; it’s just not going to fix it.

Myth: Cheating Isn’t Possible In Polyamory

Incorrect. Cheating in a polyamorous relationship is definitely possible. While poly people don’t necessarily set “rules” for their relationships, they do tend to have “agreements.” The most distinct difference is that at least two people must mutually agree for an agreement to exist. There’s also always room for negotiation with agreements.

Here are some examples of how to cheat in polyamory:

• If your partner decides to fluid bond with someone without prior discussion, that’s cheating, even if you know about that other person. 

• If you have an agreement to mention all new potential partners immediately and your partner speaks to them for a whole week before letting you know, that’s cheating.

• If you both agree to specific testing scheduling requirements and/or proof of recent testing, but your partner ignores either/both, that’s cheating.

Myth: All Non-Monogamists Are Greedy

For one reason or another, people believe that one person should be enough for you—more is just greedy. A great example of this mindset is in this opinion piece called, Polyamory is just a sly way to make cheating seem virtuous.

The best response to this is: if you had the opportunity to live the most fulfilling life possible without hurting anyone, why would you turn that down?

Myth: There’s A Limited Amount Of Love To Go Around

A very popular phrase in polyamory is, “love isn’t pie.” Pies can be delved into different slices, but eventually, the slices will disappear. This saying is why some cheeky unknown artist slapped the Pi symbol on the polyamory flag, to show the only Pi that is infinite.

If you’re able to love all of your dogs, why can’t you love all of your people? If you can love all of your family members at once, why can’t you love multiple partners? 

There is only one limitation in polyamory: time. There’s simply never enough.

Benefits Of Polyamory

It’s easy to imagine the cons of polyamory but what about the benefits? For all of its complications, polyamory has enough rewarding experiences to keep people coming back for more.

Less Pressure To Be Everything For Your Partner

Unlike monogamous relationships, polyamory doesn’t require you or your partner to depend on each other for everything. For instance, you and your partner may have incredibly different interests—they love Dungeons and Dragons; you hate it. On a deeper level, perhaps you and your partner have completely different sex drives. Is it fair to ask your monogamous partner to fulfill these needs? Even if it isn’t something they want? The beauty of polyamory is that you can get specific needs met elsewhere, no matter what they are.

New Support System

One of the most beautiful experiences of polyamory is sitting around a kitchen table with everyone you love, eating and drinking, and laughing your butt off. There are enormous benefits on top of that, like cuddle parties on the couch, multiple built-in babysitters, multiple people to give you rides to the airport, and there’s always somewhere there to watch your dog when you’re out of town. When things are really good in polyamory, your metamour will bring you soup when you’re sick. It’s the tribe you never knew you needed but always wanted.  

Lily Bacon, a long-time polyamorist, reflects on a recent experience she had with her metamour. “My polycule has been around in one form or another for about four years now. We do lots of fun social stuff together—board game nights, dinner parties, hot tub hangouts, our annual beach trip. But we’ve also been there for each other in tough times through break-ups, layoffs, and other hardships. Recently, when my house lost power in a snowstorm electricity outage, my metamour invited me to come over and ride out the storm at her house. Having this family-by-choice has made my relationships and my life so much richer.”

Opportunities For Growth

Polyamory and personal growth are synonymous. If you want to succeed in polyamory, you have to be willing to do what they call “the work.” You will fail without a solid foundation of introspection and therapy. Sure, this is terrifying. If growth were easy, then everyone would be better people.

Communication Skills

Communication skills are a must with ENM. All humans struggle with communicating effectively, especially when entering a situation with unresolved trauma, which is phenomenally difficult. How often are we raised not to speak up about our needs and boundaries? However, advocating for both without expecting someone to predict them is vital in ethically non-monogamous relationships.

Downsides Of Polyamory

It Might Need To Be A Secret

It’s common for people with jobs in the government, close proximity to children, or working for corporations that are too controlling to hide their personal lives. You do what feels right and safe for your own experience.

Deprogramming Is Hard

One of the biggest reasons people dip their toes into non-monogamy and quickly exit is the struggle of deprogramming. It can be very difficult to unlearn certain behaviors and concepts when growing up in societies where monogamy is the norm. For example, monogamous societies normalize jealousy in relationships and being territorial over your partner.

Deprogramming from monogamy requires a massive amount of self-regulation by constantly challenging your thought patterns and behaviors—and that is very difficult.

You Could Lose Your Job

Unfortunately, a lot of people struggle to understand the concept of non-monogamous relationship styles. In certain careers and companies, you could be fired. A lot of people hide their relationship style from friends, family, and co-workers for this very reason.

More Relationships, More Heartbreak

Heartbreak is a risk we take when entering any relationship, whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous. All relationships, regardless of dynamic, come to a close at some point. Sometimes those ends are mutually agreed upon; other times, they are unexpected and devastating. Since polyamorous people maintain multiple relationships, they are more prone to experience heartbreak.

New Relationship Energy (NRE)

One of the biggest thrills in life is falling in love. The rush of joy, the anticipation, the energizing flying-high feeling. NRE is why people decide to get married in Vegas. It’s why people decide to move in together quickly. Nothing can go wrong when you’re falling in love because you have each other…except when you have other partners that have needs too. Many poly relationships fail because one partner gets too swept up in NRE and neglects the needs of their other partner(s).

Holidays, Birthdays, And Anniversaries

Believe it or not, joyous occasions can become quite stressful. Sure, the holidays become more expensive when you have multiple partners, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. You’ll have to figure out who you spend the holidays with, especially if your partners don’t want to be around one another. Birthdays get tricky for the same reason. Plus, anniversaries could fall on an event another partner wants you to attend.

The Calendar Can Be A Friend—Or Foe

You might be surprised to know that failure to manage your calendar effectively is another reason people fail in polyamory. Double booking, forgetting important dates, and failure to build in self-care time must be taken into consideration when making plans. Sharing your calendars with those most important to you is an excellent way to avoid these SNAFUs.

Common Agreements In Polyamory

Agreements are normal in non-monogamous relationships. These aren’t rules. Instead, think of them more like general blueprints. Let’s explore some of the most common ones. 

Communication

Are you tired of this point being brought up again and again? Well, that’s kind of how communication works. You talk about something until you’re exhausted, then you talk some more. It’s vital to communicate about everything, from feelings to schedules to other hard conversations that might feel icky. A great way to improve communication is to set aside weekly time to discuss your thoughts and feelings together. Always approach conversations with an open mind and a few deep breaths. It’s important to maintain a neutral openness so everyone feels safe to speak about what’s on their minds. Some examples of what you should be prepared to discuss:

• Scheduled dates
• Your needs
• Your feelings
• Anything else you agree to discuss. This can include sharing testing results from new partners (or quarterly check-ups), communicating if someone is coming over, holiday schedules, etc.

Seven Lee, owner of ATX Poly Coaching, recommends learning how to communicate in a way that is loving and open. “Being able to express where your negative feelings are coming from in a calm, nonviolent manner and asking for or allowing your partner to comfort reassure and support you.” Sure, it’s easier said than done, but anything worth doing is going to take work.

Testing Schedules

Many people looking at the community from the outside would think that STDs might run more rampant, but actually, it leans more towards the opposite. It’s entirely normal for people in non-monogamous relationship styles to agree to get tested every 2-3 months. It’s also normal to trade medical results paperwork before sleeping together as well.  

Unique Agreements For Reconnecting 

Naturally, every relationship is different. The most common agreement is reconnection time and activities. It’s entirely normal to feel a bit worried or insecure when your partner begins to see someone new. Relationships find a way to reconnect before and/or after dates. Sometimes that means sex after a date or just physical intimacy in general. Sometimes it’s cooking a meal, cuddling, making a drink, etc. It’s reasonable to ask your partner for whatever you need to reaffirm the connection.

Where To Begin With Polyamory

Therapy

Therapy is a significant component to self-work, so that’s an excellent place to begin. Luckily, seeing a therapist is a lot less taboo these days. Therapy does not mean you’re broken; it’s completely normal to struggle with things. When you’re just entering the non-monogamy scene or even as you acclimate, therapy can help you sift through the deprogramming struggles that will undoubtedly appear.

So many people use their partners or friends as therapists, but really, they aren’t qualified professionals. Partners, especially, are not good options for cheap therapy. You do not want to cross boundaries by venting about your other relationships. That gets messier than a toddler with spaghetti. Having a neutral support system can help you gain objective perspective with your experiences.

Journaling

Not enough people utilize a journal. Maybe it feels juvenile, or your parents broke your trust by reading your innermost thoughts as a child. However, this is a highly underrated tool to explore your internal landscape. Even if you’re just freewriting, penning down everything in your mind for ten minutes straight, you’d be shocked by the things you’ll learn about yourself. 

Not sure where to begin and free-writing feels too weird? Look up shadow work. There are journals that give prompts or Google will be full of suggestions. Recently, I did some digging about my jealousy issues and discovered it all stems back to my younger sister. That discovery helps me approach my next jealous moment with a better understanding of the emotion. 

Side note: shadow work is for everyone, regardless of relationship style. 

Find A Community

Most big cities have meet-up groups for polyamorists. These can be difficult to find but try Facebook first. Some groups might be invite-only to keep people’s personal lives on the down-low. In this day and age, people can still be fired for not adhering to societal norms. Once you find them though, you should be able to ask all sorts of questions. Some communities have educational resources as well! 

Read Some Books

There are a lot of great resources out there. Three books that come highly recommended are The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Mating in Captivity.

Understand Your Own Needs

One of the greatest mistakes most adults make is assuming their partners will just naturally know how to fulfill unspoken needs. This is incredibly wrong, and you need to remove this belief from your brain immediately. When you’re feeling insecure or upset, it’s entirely on you to dig deep and figure out why. 

For example, say your partner goes on a date to a trendy bar you’ve always wanted to visit. You feel so upset, even though you hadn’t fully communicated that you wanted to go there. It’s your job to go, “Hey, I know I didn’t mention this, but I really wanted to go there. Do you think we can go there together next week?” Being angry at them for not being psychic only hurts your relationship in the long run. 

Be Honest

Some conversations might feel impossible. Maybe a condom fell off, and everyone in your polycule needs to get retested. Maybe you’re escalating with a partner and need to let your other partners know. It could even be as difficult as breaking up with a partner for no other reason than just wanting to move on. At the end of the day, it’s on you to be honest with yourself and allow others to do the same, even if it hurts.

Value Autonomy

Autonomy means that you live your life and your partner lives theirs. You agree to live a life together, but you are not each other’s everything. If they want to go to the movies alone, that’s okay. If they decide they want to have sex with a new partner, that’s okay too. 

When people focus too hard on controlling their partner’s life, it’s always a one-way ticket to toxicity. Unfortunately, in monogamous relationships, autonomy isn’t as valued because that person is all you have. They’re a therapist and hobby partner. For some, even a night apart sounds unfathomable. However, not allowing your partner to have their space is unhealthy.

Autonomy is making sure your partner has space to live their life. Sometimes this leads to breaking up. However, it’s vital to know that most relationships will end one day. Entropy and atrophy are what makes up the universe. When you learn to appreciate a relationship for what it is and not what you need it to be, that’s when you’ll be on your way to enjoying autonomy. 

Emotions Are Temporary

We’ve all been there: a terrible, no good, very bad day that dragged us down into the depths of hell. The feelings were suffocating and all-encompassing. Did they last? No, because the moment passed. Time whisked the feeling away, dulling the impact. The same goes for polyamorous relationships. Your insecurities may spiral when your partner goes a date with a new person. That’s okay! The important thing is to sit with them and know they’ll pass. They could pass as quickly as an hour or maybe last a couple of days. The point is that they pass. Whether good or bad, all things end eventually. 

Be Open To Negotiation

How many of us have declared, “I’m never drinking again!” or “I hate broccoli”. Then you have a good night of beer drinking, or someone cooks broccoli in a way you love. Non-monogamy is similar. In non-monogamous relationships, declarations like “you can never fall in love with someone else” or “you can only see other people once a month” should always be open for future reevaluation. Why would you want to remain stagnant in a relationship style that should always be encouraging growth?

What To Avoid In Polyamory

Oh, yes. There are certainly ways to do ENM wrong. The following things to avoid in polyamorous relationships are usually hard limits. But again, you do you.

Using Polyamory To “Spice” Up A Relationship

This no-no goes hand in hand with unicorn hunters. People are not condiments to your relationship—they are not there for you and your partner to feel better together. Period. 

Cassandra, 32, talked about what her own “spicing up” was like. “I was wholeheartedly, hopelessly, ill-advisedly in love with my partner who told me he wanted an open relationship six years into our marriage…He was all too happy about how his story was developing, but some jealousy issues surfaced when I also found some fun. It turned out he didn’t really want an open relationship with me, and he wanted to be single, though I’m not sure if even he knew that. I wish I could’ve seen that we had completely different stories we wanted for ourselves from the start. I wish I’d been more honest with myself on what I needed and wanted from our relationship. Hindsight sure f*cking is 20/20.”

Using It As A Way To Save A Relationship

If you need outside people to save your relationship, it’s most likely doomed. Every day, couples join the non-monogamous community, hoping to find a way to stay together without focusing on the fires lit in their own home. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Sometimes it can really help a couple, and they also succeed in not treating other people as relationship bandaids. This does happen…it’s rare, though. Sometimes couples enter the community, realize how hard polyamory is, and then exit it. 

Christy Powell, LPC, expanded further by addressing what happens to couples that approach non-monogamy in this way. “As a therapist, the thing I see over and over are couples coming to me six months after a crash and burn. They had opened up with an excited, gold-rush style mentality without anticipating all of the possible pitfalls. What I’d like to see is more intentionality, more respect for the importance of these things. Find a therapist BEFORE you open up or break any hearts, do your homework, move slowly and respectfully—this isn’t your culture, at least not yet.”

It’s worth repeating that other people are not the solution to your problems. 

Indulging In Oversaturation

Okay, you’re dating multiple people…now what? It’s natural to want to dive in and start dating five people, while simultaneously forgetting about other obligations. However, if you do this, things in your life will begin to suffer and you may experience relationship saturation. Dates become double booked and partners feel like you aren’t meeting their needs. It becomes harder and harder to keep up with communication.

Relationship saturation tends to end in heartbreak, so it’s vital to discover and adhere to your limits. Most people max out at 2-3 people, especially if they have a demanding career and/or kids. 

Making Someone Responsible For Your Feelings

As a grown adult, you should never hold someone responsible for your feelings. When a partner does something you don’t like, you a) react some way b) you choose that way to react. Our reactions usually stem from our childhood (thanks, mom and dad!), so most people react from their trauma brain. However, your fear of abandonment is not anyone else’s responsibility. It isn’t even your partner’s responsibility to cater to this fear every day. It’s one thing to ask for reassurance; it’s a whole other thing to request hourly affirmations, so you don’t spiral out of control. Requiring a particular behavior from someone else so that you can avoid certain emotions is not okay.

Non-Monogamy Isn’t For Everyone

Like anything in this world, we all have our preferences, like pickles or the existence of the Oxford comma. You have to find what works for you. Relationship dynamics are lifestyles and some will feel more natural than others. For me, my first polyamorous relationship was literally in Kindergarten but that is the exception, not the rule. Some people marry their high school sweetheart and stay together for 60 years. Other people marry a dozen times, enjoying all of the spices of life. The important thing to keep in mind is that you choose what works for you and do it as ethically as possible. Aim for progress, not perfection.

If you’re looking to broach the subject of opening up your relationship or hoping to veer away from the general binary of dating, ENM can be an excellent option. It’s not without its pitfalls, so make sure to keep reading to learn about some of the pros and cons of ethical non-monogamy.

First, women fought for the right to leave traditional caretaker roles. Then, we fought for workplace equality. Now, professional moms aren’t revolutionary—they’re the majority. 

However, when it comes to working mom appreciation, the patriarchy missed the mark. Because when women wear both hats, it’s expected. But when men wear both hats, they’re heroes. 

One TikTok user summed up this phenomenon perfectly: daddy privilege.

What Is Daddy Privilege?

TikTok user and new mom Chloe Sexton shared her experience with daddy privilege in the most fitting way possible: with a baby on her hip. 

Sexton owns an e-bakery which requires her to visit a wholesale food market weekly. “Last week, my husband had the day off. So, he decided to do it for me. But he also had the baby,” Sexton said in a TikTok post. “I tell you that this man was treated like a hero.” 

“Mind you; those same people see me there every single week. I’m strapped up with a baby or seven months pregnant hauling 100-pound bags of flour in the back of my Subaru. Nothing to see here. Just a woman doing woman things, busting her ass.”

“But my husband,” Sexton continued, “ha! My husband wears the baby, and it’s, ‘oh my god, look at you! Oh my god! You work so hard!’”

Sexton, her baby in tow, leans close to the camera. “He’s not a hero. He’s literally just a father. Just a parent. Doing the same s*** I do every week.”

And that, in essence, is daddy privilege: unequal recognition for equal work.

A Side Effect Of The Patriarchy

Familial dynamics can’t be generalized over an entire population. Some partnerships are truly equal; others are more imbalanced. But Sexton isn’t the only person who’s noticed this trend.

“I just had a C section,” one Tiktok user commented. “And when people call to check-in, everyone asks if my husband is sleeping enough. Not me, though.”

“Men bringing their baby to a meeting: ooh’s and ahh’s all around,” another user wrote. “I brought my baby—got called into the captain’s office and told not to do it again.”

So, not only is this problem common, it’s a logical side effect of patriarchy. “This story really illustrates how reproductive labor has been enforced on and expected of women,” one user commented. 

“Not only are you expected to be fine with not getting paid for your labor, but you’re expected to do it with no help. So much so that people are surprised to see a father actually being a parent. The bar is so low for fathers,” they continued.

Of Course, Others Disagree

To no one’s surprise, plenty of men had something to say about daddy privilege. But to give credit where it’s due, there are lots of dads on Sexton’s TikTok supporting her. However, in a follow-up video, Sexton shared some of the angrier comments thrown her way.

“He is a hero. All dads are heroes, and you can’t change my mind,” one user wrote. “He was kind enough to help you out on his day off.” 

“With his child. That he had. On purpose. With [me]. Who [I] care for. Every day he works,” Sexton replied.

“Men would think you’re a literal hero too if you paid his bills,” one comment read. Sexton addressed this in another follow-up video. “There are so many holes in the sexist bulls**t that you put here that I feel like I should fill them in for you.”

“This little bitty baking business I have now actually floated my family’s income when my husband lost his job during the pandemic and then helped us buy this house.” Sexton continued, “So, maybe lower your voice. Tell me what you do.”

We Have A Long Way To Go

Several international news publications have since featured Sexton and her story. She has also received what she calls “the most hate mail I’ve ever had in my entire life.” 

Some users went so far as to leave reviews on Sexton’s business page. One “customer” claimed Sexton was rude, dramatic, made their daughters cry, and called Sexton a witch. 

“Don’t think she likes children,” the review reads. “Thankfully, her husband was there, and he saved the day!”

As if anyone needed proof that this review was a lie, Sexton’s bakery has no storefront. Moreover, her husband does not work there. Sexton’s experience is one larger than herself. It highlights the still-present imbalance between men and women.

This isn’t just a woman’s issue, either. When people act amazed that fathers are doing their job, it suggests that it was unlikely they could do so in the first place. It implies they’ve accomplished a great feat. 

Not only is this insulting to women, but it’s also belittling to men. A fight for feminist equality also means fighting for men’s rights to be a father without getting a patronizing participation trophy in the process. 

If we want to achieve true gender equality, one of the first steps is doing away with daddy privilege.

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Our society generally agrees that there’s no greater love than that of two soulmates. Forget the “L” word, telling someone they’re your soulmates is a whole new level of intimacy. 

However, some experts argue that soulmates aren’t the end all be all. In fact, they might not even be the most significant relationships in our lives. 

Twin flames are a distinct bond that not everyone gets to experience. But for those that do, their connection will result in unparalleled growth and reward.

What Is A Twin Flame?

Twin flames are similar to soulmates, but they’re certainly not the same. Twin flames refer to our “mirror soul,” or our soul’s other half. 

Elizabeth Clare Prophet, leader of the Summit Lighthouse, first coined the term “twin flame” in the 1970s. Prophet published Soul Mates & Twin Flames, a spiritual relationship guide, 20 years later in 1999. 

“When a soul is created, it is split into two parts,” spiritual teacher Todd Savvas explained in an interview with Brides. These halves are “mirrors of each other constantly yearning to reconnect.” 

“A twin flame is your own soul shared across what appears to be two physical beings,” Savvas continued.  

Soulmates, on the other hand, are bonds that complement each other. The two souls might be similar, but they are not exactly alike. While it’s possible to have several soulmates, we only have one twin flame. 

And like their slightly different bonds, twin flames and soulmates also serve distinct purposes.

Your Twin Flame’s Purpose

“The purpose of your twin flame is to support and help you with your divine mission and purpose,” author Shannon Kaiser told Mind Body Green. “So, often, this type of relationship will reflect your problems and deepest insecurities.” 

That’s because looking at your twin flame means looking at yourself. “Twin flame encounters present a mirror,” Savvas told Brides. “The things you don’t want to deal with, the doubts you have, the inadequacy you see in yourself, will all come up through their presence.” 

As uncomfortable as they might be, twin flame bonds aid in spiritual healing and growth. Twin flames help us release old wounds and remove emotional blockages. As a result, we can find true self-love and, in turn, a deeper love with others.

How To Find Your Twin Flame

We often consider romantic bonds to be the most significant. However, twin flames don’t have to be romantic or sexual. Your twin flame can present themselves as a friend, coworker, mentor, mentee, sibling, or child. 

Essentially, your twin flame could be anywhere. So, how do you know when you’ve found yours?

An Immediate Bond

Having two halves of the same soul doesn’t mean you’ll be identical. Twin flames may differ in general personas, interests, and goals. It’s the core of the individual, the innermost self, that is the same. 

“There is a misnomer that a twin flame completes you,” psychotherapist Babita Spinelli told Mind Body Green. “In reality, [twin flame] relationships are meant to encourage you to be more complete in your own right.” 

In some ways, twin flames often manifest as our opposites. The yin and yang dynamics complement each other because of—not despite—their differences. So, don’t just look for the person with the same Top 10 Netflix shows as you.   

Twin flames will feel like an immediate, indescribable bond. Talking to a twin flame feels like home. You feel relaxed enough to be vulnerable with them right away. In a word, it clicks.

Intense Ups And Downs

Of course, opposites are bound to have some quarrels. You’re twin flames, not superhuman. Because of this, these bonds can be extra dramatic or emotional. 

Moreover, twin flames shine a light on the negative on purpose. Our twin flames reflect our good, bad, and ugly. They flaunt the very parts of ourselves we keep hidden from the world. 

In this way, twin flame bonds are twice the work. Not only are we seeing the other person’s faults, but we also see ours. 

“Your love will be put to a test as you dive deep into your shadow sides,” Kaiser said to Mind Body Green. “All your insecurities will rear up as you start to question yourself and each other.” 

So, despite feeling at home with a twin flame, you might also feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. When it’s good, it’s great. But when it’s bad, it’s the worst. 

It’s important not to confuse twin flames with toxic relationships. The intensity of a twin flame bond is not the same as an unbalanced, abusive dynamic.

You’re Inspired To Be Better

At the end of the day, twin flames will help you, not hurt you. Twin flames “demand spiritual growth,” Savvas explained to Brides, “Without growth, it’s impossible to get past your fears and whatever is holding you back.”

“Twin flame love is incredibly powerful,” Savvas continued. “It serves a distinct purpose. It elevates you to a better version of yourself.”

Still, not everyone has—or needs—a twin flame. You won’t find it by hunting it out. If it’s meant to happen, then it will.

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